(no subject)
DAMNIT! why do i even bother!?....god hes such a FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!...jesus...i wrote him this email on the 24th (which was yesterday) that i wanted to be put out of my misery, and you know how he responded??? with this shit ass answer: "wow....you are so pathetic." can you beleive him!?!?......actually, you know what? you probably do, cause all of you know that hes PERFECTLY capabale of saying shit like that from the way he treated me...but whatever....SHIT! why the FUCK cant i get him out of my FUCKING head?!?! all i think about all fucking day is juan juan juan juan juan....damn it! what the fuck is wrong with me?! look, i know i have OCD but this shit is ludacris! i mean come on! enough is enough Loni! when are ya gonna give up...when are you gonna stop? oh god...now im talking to myself...jesus FUCKING christ! someone has got to stop me...i try to play it cool at school and shit and try not to let people see how fuckin' unhappy i really am...but..they see right through it sometimes i guess...god what the fuck did i ever do to deserve all this fucking pain! what the fuck did i ever do to you! why cant you just leave me the fuck alone!? why am i being tormented and played with as if im some kind of fucking toy? is this some kind of cruel game you like to play? is your mind really that fuckin' twisted? shit...im starting to think that alex and hannah were right..that you dont exist....that you never did...because if you WERE real...no one would have to feel this way...NO ONE...i have nothing...NOTHING to beleive in now...NOTHING and NO ONE to trust...NO ONE to run to for the comfort that i seek...steven you know you cant offer that....alex and hannah...you guys cant offer that either...not even my own mother can offer that comfort....because, i want HIS comfort....i want to run to HIM for HIM to tell me everything will be alright and for HIM to kiss the top of my head and for HIM to tell me that its ok...that i was just having a terrible nightmare and that he loves me and always, always will........but...thats just some stupid fucked up fantasy ive woven together in my lovesick head....itll never be real, no matter how much i dream...no matter how much i hope....no matter how hard i fucking pray.....itll never be real........FUCK! WHY DOESNT SOMEONE JUST KILL ME NOW? WHY DOESNT SOMEONE JUST KILL ME!!!WHY! IM SUFFERING!........why cant i just be put out of my mnisery......it would be heaven sent for someone to do that for me....i would give anything to not have to feel this endless pain anymore....i know no one wants to see me like this....well save for him because i think he takes EXTREME joy in breaking me...i think he likes making me feel this insane torment...i think he revels in causing me this everlasting pain and agony....i think that he never wanted me to be happy again.....well guess what juan? guess what? YOU FUCKING SUCCEEDED! YOU BROKE MY HEART, MY SOUL, AND MY SPIRIT! NOW ALL BECAUSE OF YOU ILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FLY AGAIN! at least thats how youve made me feel....are you happy now? are you happy? i hope your proud of yourself....i hope your proud that you succeedced in killing my spirit..........before i thought that this story never had an ending....but ive realized just now....that ive known the ending all along....hes never coming back.........never.....