Just a very quickie
I'm finally getting over being sick, thank goodness. My temperature's been hovering around normal for about two days now, and today, for the first time, I was actually hungry. And it didn't even hurt to take my pills! I tried to work on Tuesday, but needed eleanor to come and get me, because I wasn't ready and was still to sick and weak to be there. They then told me that they were closed on Friday, anyway, and so I shouldn't come in for the rest of the week. I'm only getting paid for like, 4 hours this week. Wow. A whole $30 maybe. Yay.
I'm very worried about my funds. My cable was turned off yesterday, even though I'd tried to make a payment the other day, and so I made another payment (since the first one obviously didn't go through) and they turned it back on, but I'm not sure if it's still on or if they've turned it off again, since I didn't have enough money to begin with. I'm hoping that my overdraft protection kicked in, and they payment'll stick. There's also the matter of my electricity. I've received a turnoff notice, even though I'd received a notice saying they'd received my payment. I called, since I'd paid this nearly two weeks ago, and it seems that my payment was returned by the bank, so they're threatening to turn off my lights on Monday, unless I can get some assistance from Social Security. I waited on hold for about an hour before I had to pee, so I hung up on Social Security. I'm really scared. This is beyond worried, it's scarified. My brother Jason is unresponsive, and if he doesn't send me money out of my trust fund soon, I'm not going to have any electricity, making my payment to the cable company pointless and rather useless, and it will make me seriously unhappy and mieserable.
When my sister died, many of the people in the science fiction community, as well as her friends, wanted to help me out in some way, since she was really the closest relative I had. Ellie suggested that they start a memorial fund in my sister's name, considering there'd be funeral expenses, etc. A family friend paid for my sister's cremation, and her company paid for her memorial service, so the money was put aside for me into a trust fund, with Jason Killheffer named as executor, his brother Christopher next on the list, and then Ellie's former partner Greg as third. A chain of command in case for any reason someone couldn't handle the responsibility of the fund. I've taken money out of the fund exactly twice: once when it was first set up, and I had absolutely nothing, Jason sent me a whopping $120 to help cover my day-to-day expenses, and once about two years ago, to pay for my apartment because I hadn't had enough time to save anything. Both times he gave me a very hard time, conversations that went something along the lines of "blah blah blah school" and "blah blah blah more responsible". The running theme about the trust fund in Jason's mind is that I should only be using the trust fund for school, even though I've approached him on several occasions about school, with packets and costs and figures and schedules worked out in my head, and have never heard back from him. I called on the 2nd to ask him to send me some money, but I got his wife Maureen instead. I told her a little about my issues--that I was laid off, that I was broke, that I've been sick--and she told me that I should have called them when I first got laid off so they could "prepare for this sort of emergency" and that they can't just drop everything because I need money, since they both work full time, they have two children, they just moved, etc. I didn't say anything, they always know how to make me feel like a complete piece of shit for asking for something that's rightly mine, and she said she'd tell Jason and he'd call me back. I'm still waiting for a call back. I'm planning to call him tonight, and tell him that he's got to do it by Saturday, because if that money's not in my account on Monday, I'm fucked (he doesn't need to know why, but I'm going to say a lot of it has to do with medical bills, which isn't entirely a lie since my pills and doctor visit did not come cheaply). I will also tell him that if he feels that he cannot execute the trust as he said he would since they're oh-so-busy with their lives, well, then he's going to have to turn the trust over to Greg for the next three months. When I turn 25 in February, the money officially becomes mine, and my friend April and I have worked out the best way to use that money. I'm mostly just frustrated, I guess. They're supposed to be my freaking family. They promised to take care of me, and help me, and that they'd be able help me if I needed help. I'm thinking (and I've been thinking about this for awhile now, it's not just because of this) that they thought it would be easier, that I'd grieve and I'd mourn, and I'd get over the fact that my sister had died, that Rob had moved on, and that he was engaged to the girl he'd been cheating on my sister with. I don't completely dislike her, even if I'm still squicked that we share a birthday and that she's only three years older than me when Rob's 39. I object more to the fact that he was with her when my sister went into the hospital. I'm not saying that if he'd been here she wouldn't have died, there's no way to know that for sure, even if I did blame him for awhile, but it's been very hard for me to let my sister go. I'm trying, I make little breakthroughs, but it's so hard. She was my only family, and I loved her almost desperately, and it was hard for me to make the decision to take her off life support, even knowing it was the right thing. Rob wanted me to wait, the Killheffer family wanted me to be sure, and wanted me to stop blaming Rob. Above and beyond, they just wanted me to stop blaming Rob. I'm sure he blames himself, and the deep down inside mean part of me hopes that he has nightmares at night about her. He was the beneficiary on her life insurance (she didn't expect to die, and she "knew he'd take care of me" when she named him, back when I was 12 and still living with the Aunt who only thought of me as a paycheck.), and only shared a little bit with me. He got something like $54,000 out of it. He's paid off his debt, ready to put down money on a house with his fiancee, ready to get married. Even in death, she saved his ass once again. I went up to New Haven for Christmas last year, and was miserable about my guinea pig, who'd died three days before. I think I was mopey all day, with good reason (who likes to bury their beloved family pet on Christmas?), and I was told that they "know [I'm] sad, but that [I] need to try at least to act like I'm happy. [My] sister wouldn't be happy to see me so sad, she loved Christmas."
Um, last I looked, if I wanted to sit outside and mope over my dead guinea pig, I have every right to. At least I went outside to mope, instead of hanging around the family and bringing everyone else down.
I just feel as though maybe they felt I'd be a pet project, but when they realised that there'd be work involved. I'm a complicated girl, not quite as simple in life as they are, and I have no interest in moving to New Haven. But in their quest to make me into them, they're keeping me from the money that is rightly mine. I don't know what else to do. . .I've got to come up with the money from somewhere. If it's sitting there in my fund, I don't see why I shouldn't have it.