Never Had Experienced This Bliss
Never Had Experienced This Bliss
Author : darkestvoices - darkestvoices@livejournal.com
Pairing : Aaron Peirsol & Ian Crocker
Rating : R
Disclaimer : Real people, not so real events, please don't sue me - I'm poor.
Notes : Written for vitawash24 who wanted angst and a first time fic. I hope you like it. I also had to include humidity and iced tea.
Extra Notes : This fic takes place right after Sydney 2000. Ian and Aaron are in college. The title comes from the Better Than Ezra song, Live Again.Also, I would just like to thank onlyseeingdark because I love her. She’s great and she knows why.
Never Had Experienced This Bliss
"Okay?"
Okay? That word isn't even in my vocabulary right now. What words were? I can't quite tell you that either. I don't think I'm okay? but I'm not, not okay? if that's even possible. I make a soft noise of confusion over my current situation but I think he interrupts as yes because he starts to move. In and out.
And again.
And again. It's a strange feeling, having him inside me, but it's not a horrible feeling. With each thrust it feels even better. I don't think I want him to stop, but I know it's going to end soon. He'll come and then I'll come and it’ll be over, but I don’t want it to be.
No sooner than the thought of him coming leaving my mind did I start to feel him buck behind me. He finishes me off after, his hand wrapped tight around my erection.
-
When it’s through, we lay on his bed without a word. I can feel the humid air seeping into the room through his open window. How I wish I could just climb out of that window right now and forget what just happened.
I’m staring at his ceiling, the fan spinning around and around, wishing I knew what to say or think or even feel right now. Surely, I’m going to burn for what I just did. I know it.
I look over at him. He’s out like a light and I’m happy because I don’t think I could stay even if he begged. I feel so dirty and ashamed that I just need to leave.
-
Sliding the key into the lock was the easy part - it meant that I was safe and at home. But it didn’t mean that I was okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.
I’m going to burn for what I just did.
Most of my life was spent in a church, and I can still hear the words in my head everyday. It’s an abomination to God. All homosexuals will burn in hell.
But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to believe that, can’t believe it. It’s tearing me apart inside, trying to get out. It wants to scream to the world, ‘there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me!’ I am who I am and nothing can change that.
But is being gay good? Is it really such a great thing when you’re persecuted for it? Is it really a good thing when you know your own parents will look at you and see nothing but a filthy sinner?
Why does this have to happen to me? Why? I did right by God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed every single day. But then this happens and now I don’t know what to do.
-
I lie in my bed, Bible open. It’s been some time since it’s been read - dust has started to gather on the leather cover. I flip through and it lands in Psalms. I begin to read:
O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my every thought when far away.
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!
I continue to read, the words starting to blur with tears:
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter
seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me,
O God! They are innumerable!
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
you are still with me!
I’m still crying when I finish the chapter. It lifts me up, making me feel a bit better, if that’s even possible.
-
I wake up the next morning, Bible still in my hands. I have no memory of ever falling asleep, but the verses are still in my head like it was just a moment ago that I read them.
The phone ringing startles me from my thoughts. I reach over the side table, knocking over an old glass of iced tea, to answer, “Hello?” My voice is still a bit groggy with sleep.
“Crocker?” It’s Aaron. I really don’t want to have to deal with him right now, but I know I must face him. He must think what happened was a one-night stand or something similar. I did sneak out.
“Morning, Aaron.” It’s all I can muster out. Words elude me right now. I’m scared of what I might say. I’m still conflicted about what happened. Before, during, and after. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression because we still don’t know each other very well but that’s probably been shot to hell. Sure, we talked a bit while in Sydney, but we never became friends. I was shocked to see him here, at Texas this year.
“I think we need to talk.” I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I’m actually surprised it didn’t break into a high-pitched yelp with the quivering I heard.
“I know.”
“Did you-?” He hesitates for a moment. “Did you? Did you want to get some breakfast?”
-
An hour has passed since the phone call, and I’m sitting at the campus cafeteria. It’s nothing special really. Just tables, a salad buffet here, and a hot food line there. Probably like most other colleges and universities out there.
Before I see his face, I see his messy, curly hair walking towards where I’m sitting. He sits down across from me, looking ragged, with a Styrofoam cup of coffee in his hand. He clearly hasn’t shaven or even showered. I think he might have been too anxious, probably more coming here than calling me on the phone.
“About last night, Aaron-“
“It’s okay. I understand.” He cuts me off. “You’re scared. I was too, but I don’t regret what happened. Do you?” His eyes meet mine, searching for his answer.
“I-” I need to find the right words. “No. I don’t regret it.”
“You don’t?” He’s shocked. I shake my head at him. “Why?”
“It made me realize who I truly am.”
end.
Just to let everyone know, yes, I copied verses out of the bible. They are verses Psalms 139:1-6 and 139:13-18. The translation is the New Living Translation if anyone cares to know.
Author : darkestvoices - darkestvoices@livejournal.com
Pairing : Aaron Peirsol & Ian Crocker
Rating : R
Disclaimer : Real people, not so real events, please don't sue me - I'm poor.
Notes : Written for vitawash24 who wanted angst and a first time fic. I hope you like it. I also had to include humidity and iced tea.
Extra Notes : This fic takes place right after Sydney 2000. Ian and Aaron are in college. The title comes from the Better Than Ezra song, Live Again.Also, I would just like to thank onlyseeingdark because I love her. She’s great and she knows why.
Never Had Experienced This Bliss
"Okay?"
Okay? That word isn't even in my vocabulary right now. What words were? I can't quite tell you that either. I don't think I'm okay? but I'm not, not okay? if that's even possible. I make a soft noise of confusion over my current situation but I think he interrupts as yes because he starts to move. In and out.
And again.
And again. It's a strange feeling, having him inside me, but it's not a horrible feeling. With each thrust it feels even better. I don't think I want him to stop, but I know it's going to end soon. He'll come and then I'll come and it’ll be over, but I don’t want it to be.
No sooner than the thought of him coming leaving my mind did I start to feel him buck behind me. He finishes me off after, his hand wrapped tight around my erection.
-
When it’s through, we lay on his bed without a word. I can feel the humid air seeping into the room through his open window. How I wish I could just climb out of that window right now and forget what just happened.
I’m staring at his ceiling, the fan spinning around and around, wishing I knew what to say or think or even feel right now. Surely, I’m going to burn for what I just did. I know it.
I look over at him. He’s out like a light and I’m happy because I don’t think I could stay even if he begged. I feel so dirty and ashamed that I just need to leave.
-
Sliding the key into the lock was the easy part - it meant that I was safe and at home. But it didn’t mean that I was okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.
I’m going to burn for what I just did.
Most of my life was spent in a church, and I can still hear the words in my head everyday. It’s an abomination to God. All homosexuals will burn in hell.
But there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to believe that, can’t believe it. It’s tearing me apart inside, trying to get out. It wants to scream to the world, ‘there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me!’ I am who I am and nothing can change that.
But is being gay good? Is it really such a great thing when you’re persecuted for it? Is it really a good thing when you know your own parents will look at you and see nothing but a filthy sinner?
Why does this have to happen to me? Why? I did right by God. I went to church every Sunday. I prayed every single day. But then this happens and now I don’t know what to do.
-
I lie in my bed, Bible open. It’s been some time since it’s been read - dust has started to gather on the leather cover. I flip through and it lands in Psalms. I begin to read:
O LORD, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my every thought when far away.
You chart the path ahead of me
and tell me where to stop and rest.
Every moment you know where I am.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, LORD.
You both precede and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to know!
I continue to read, the words starting to blur with tears:
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter
seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me,
O God! They are innumerable!
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up in the morning,
you are still with me!
I’m still crying when I finish the chapter. It lifts me up, making me feel a bit better, if that’s even possible.
-
I wake up the next morning, Bible still in my hands. I have no memory of ever falling asleep, but the verses are still in my head like it was just a moment ago that I read them.
The phone ringing startles me from my thoughts. I reach over the side table, knocking over an old glass of iced tea, to answer, “Hello?” My voice is still a bit groggy with sleep.
“Crocker?” It’s Aaron. I really don’t want to have to deal with him right now, but I know I must face him. He must think what happened was a one-night stand or something similar. I did sneak out.
“Morning, Aaron.” It’s all I can muster out. Words elude me right now. I’m scared of what I might say. I’m still conflicted about what happened. Before, during, and after. I don’t want him to get the wrong impression because we still don’t know each other very well but that’s probably been shot to hell. Sure, we talked a bit while in Sydney, but we never became friends. I was shocked to see him here, at Texas this year.
“I think we need to talk.” I could hear the anxiety in his voice. I’m actually surprised it didn’t break into a high-pitched yelp with the quivering I heard.
“I know.”
“Did you-?” He hesitates for a moment. “Did you? Did you want to get some breakfast?”
-
An hour has passed since the phone call, and I’m sitting at the campus cafeteria. It’s nothing special really. Just tables, a salad buffet here, and a hot food line there. Probably like most other colleges and universities out there.
Before I see his face, I see his messy, curly hair walking towards where I’m sitting. He sits down across from me, looking ragged, with a Styrofoam cup of coffee in his hand. He clearly hasn’t shaven or even showered. I think he might have been too anxious, probably more coming here than calling me on the phone.
“About last night, Aaron-“
“It’s okay. I understand.” He cuts me off. “You’re scared. I was too, but I don’t regret what happened. Do you?” His eyes meet mine, searching for his answer.
“I-” I need to find the right words. “No. I don’t regret it.”
“You don’t?” He’s shocked. I shake my head at him. “Why?”
“It made me realize who I truly am.”
end.
Just to let everyone know, yes, I copied verses out of the bible. They are verses Psalms 139:1-6 and 139:13-18. The translation is the New Living Translation if anyone cares to know.