Things Unsaid, Said
Just things I never had the chance to say to A. ::
I wanted you to know - leaving your bed was never my favourite thing. And it was never the easiest thing either (in fact I hated it!) But I couldn’t stay - especially when the boys were there. Random naked chick in the morning would not have been fair to them.
Every time I went to see you it was like jumping off a cliff - but I was always so comfortable once I landed. That was the deceiving part. I should have taken the warning that came with the fear. But it just felt so good to be around you. I always felt so comfortable and so safe when I was with you. Like nothing else mattered - not all the commentary from everyone else.
You were inside me without a condom but felt no connection like that? That’s sick. Almost as sick as how tightly you held me. And how comfortable you said you were, and how you said you didn’t want to let go. Congratulations on all the firsts you had with this naive blonde girl. On all the firsts that she gave up to you so willingly
I still don’t understand how or why you came back so many times when you didn’t have any connection. The sex was not worth it! You had more lovers in the last year than I ever had. Did I somehow make you feel better? Did I make you feel wanted and cared about? Is that why you let me curl up around you, why you blew me kisses and why you called me your girl? Is that why you gave that little speech to Jen? Or why you worked so hard to pleasure me?
I accept that it’s over. Whatever we were doing is over and done. But I still cry over it. I always knew it was nothing serious, nothing with a future. I only wanted a lover for the summer. I wanted you; no complications, no commitment, no travelling, no expectations. Just a little time, and fun. And I wanted to spend it with you. but I don't get to, and I miss it. You.