An Open Apology I Never Thought I’d Make…
First off, why I’m even apologising to you is beyond me. Maybe it’s a weakness in my character, or maybe it’s my guilt complex. The tiny shreds of the "good person" some people think I am? And maybe, sometimes, I really am that person. Who knows.
Anyway, back on track.
I’m sorry that I purposely try to hurt you. I really am. I regret it. It’s juvenile and bitchy as hell. Just plain mean; but hurting you seems to make me feel better, even for a moment. It proves something to me, to rub your face in the fact that there are other people out there, others who don’t play the same games you did. And it almost pleases me to point out to you that they were where you wanted to be. And I like the idea of that those fact might be hurting you.
It also lessens the hurt that I have.
I think, on some sick level, I consider it all payback for when you didn’t listen to the word No. I’ve been trying to even up the score for years now, and imagine, here I am apologising to you. (I wonder if that’s why you always take the hurt I dish out; is it guilt?)
But I need out of this cycle, somehow I just end up more hurt in the end.
I’ve deleted you; name, number and all. I just hope you fade into some smudge that makes me aware, instead of this festering sickness I seem to be stuck with. Wait, this is supposed to be an apology…and I wish I could say I was sorry I ever knew you, but there had to be a point. Looking back I can't really see what reason there was for anything that has transpired between you and I, D2, but I have to hold steady that the ideal that there had to be a reason... if only to teach me something, for the second time.