the black dog
Im sinking. More and more each day. Right into that dark pit of depression and despair. Ive felt it coming, but I foolishly thought that a few days of R&R would help shake it off, like it has before when its hit a few times in the past several years. Nope. Its got its claws dug in this time and it plans on staying for awhile. Ive read a lot of short stories lately and depression has been referred to as "the black dog". Seems legit. But not just any black dog. A dog who was once loved and taken care of. Then one day, the family packs up and leaves without the dog. Just leaving him behind for no rhyme or reason. The dog has no choice but to learn the way of survival all alone, outside. It gets kicked, starved, frozen, deathly hot. It learns the real cruelness and hardness of the world. That what my depression feels like. How it could be accurately described. Im struggling, hurting right now. Im not so good at asking for help anymore, so I scream silently. My despression shows as "laziness". Im not cooking. Im not cleaning. Shit, I barely eating lately.
Yesterday and today Ive felt the full brunt of it. And Ive also felt "the annual arguement" coming soon from my husband. Instead of asking about me, how Im feeling, whats going on, how can I help you, I get yelled at for being bitchy (once in a great while now since Ive changed the last time we had this argument. He pointed it out and I changed abruptly.) How he isnt happy with me anymore and all this other bullshit. Ive pointed out that Ive been trying everything within my meek power to be better and I HAVE changed. He just is really shitty and showing emotion (and flaws for that matter) So everything ends up back to me. He never takes fault for anything and its tiring. He has been moodly a lot lately because of work, so any microscopic thing I do turns into why hes unhappy. I wish he would take more responsibility for himself and his emotions and actions. No, instead he would rather rant rave and yell at me, make me feel like dogshit, then when I point out whys why and whats really what, will he mull it over and realize his faults. Still never asking me whats wrong with me and if Im okay. Even after his verbal slaughter. He does this a lot. He resides in Denial. He also never notices when I make change. He can be completely oblivious and it hurts me because I have no more change left in me. He needs to do it for once.
I havent smoked in months and I found myself grabbing an old pack out of the fridge and going out into the hall of the apartment complex to be alone and smoke. I was enraged and crying and needed something to help calm me down. It worked a fraction but now I have a headache.
I want to clean. I want to cook. I want to sleep and mope less. But this damn black dog is standing on my chest and wont get off. Until then I guess I will just have to put up with the verbal onslaught.
Im all out of fight.