(no subject)
GOD I FUCKING HATE GUYS! How can they seem so nice and so sweet and so unlike other guys and then turn out to be just like all the others? I how can I hate one specifically but at the same time like him so much and want him so bad, even when I'm treated like shit? Don't go leading me on all summer and then when we get back to school fucking leave me hanging and use me. I am just so mad but at the same time I hate myself for ever allowing myself to feel this way about a fucking boy who doesn't even like me back. But even with all this, I'd jump at the chance to be with him. I still want him. Why?!?!?! Why am I not good enough for him? Am I not pretty enough? I'm losing all my self confidence. I don't have any faith in myself with guys anymore, because the first time I think something will happen I just get let down. I want to meet other guys but I judge too much and I hate myself for it. What is wrong with me? I seriously can't even put into words all that I am feeling. I just want to cry all the time. When things get better, I hear from him and my mood changes. Then something happens with him where I feel worthless and like a piece of shit, and I feel even worse than I did before. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID TO MAKE THINGS CHANGE. I was so confident things were going to happen with him a few weeks ago, and now I have almost no hope, but at the same time I always think about the possibility of something happening. I want to give him space and spend time away from him because maybe that will make him realize that he does like me when he can't see me, but then I don't want him to think I just approve of him liking someone else and I don't care if he dates someone else. There's no right answer. I want to cancel our plans, but at the same time I want to keep them. I want to tell him how I feel just so I know how he feels (although I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me) but at the same time I don't want to ruin our friendship. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what I did to deserve this. Sad part is that even if we don't get together in the future, I'll probably always wonder what if. I'm so pathetic and such a loser.