WTF Have I Done????????
You ever have one of those moments where you feel betrayed by someone? But in reality you weren't, because you have no claim to that person or the ties that bind. You ever feel like the whole fucking world is against you? Like you can not breathe? You can not float? You can not crawl? You just can not do any damn thing?
Well, that's where I'm at. I am not doing as well as you all think I am. I'm great at pretending. I'm not as strong as a lot of you tell me I am. I just am not. That's the bottom line. STOP TELLING ME I AM!! I'm great at making the world think I'm just going along with the plan. But in retrospectic....I WANT TO FUCKING BE HAPPY TOO!!!!!!!!! Why do all the people that have done wrong to me, or that have done somethings right to me, but just can not want me for what ever fucking reasons....get to be or deserve to be happy and not me. If these people are truly happy...wonderful! LA TEEEEEEE FUCKING DA FOR THEM!! But what have I done to piss God off, or am I just that horrible of a fucking peron that my boys and I get to be the miserable ones? The only one of the lot I want to truly be happy if I am or not, is Tyson. He deserves to be. Yet, he's the one I feel betrayed by. And I shouldn't. I know that. But I still do.
I know I'm just having a "pitty party for Terri," moment.. but GOD DAMMIT, I want my turn!!! I want to have my moment again. To shine. To be proud of who the fuck and what the fuck I am. I want my stuff from Alabama. I want to be done with that cock suckin mother fucker down there. That's one thing in itself... I don't understand how on one hand I can be so fucking thankful to him for saving me from myself, my marriage, my life, and from Tom. Then in the same breath, hate his utter exsistance. I want to go back to school and get my Massage Therapy license that I started in St. Louis. But I can't, they don't take federal grants at the school down here and fucking Sallie Mae has a stick up her ass and won't lend me anymore money because Tom and I had to do the bankruptcy thing before we got divorced. I want my boys to be happy. I want them to have a momma they are proud of. I want to be happy. I'm tired of settling for semi anything. DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!! I'M DONE WITH IT!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!!!!!
Well, that's where I'm at. I am not doing as well as you all think I am. I'm great at pretending. I'm not as strong as a lot of you tell me I am. I just am not. That's the bottom line. STOP TELLING ME I AM!! I'm great at making the world think I'm just going along with the plan. But in retrospectic....I WANT TO FUCKING BE HAPPY TOO!!!!!!!!! Why do all the people that have done wrong to me, or that have done somethings right to me, but just can not want me for what ever fucking reasons....get to be or deserve to be happy and not me. If these people are truly happy...wonderful! LA TEEEEEEE FUCKING DA FOR THEM!! But what have I done to piss God off, or am I just that horrible of a fucking peron that my boys and I get to be the miserable ones? The only one of the lot I want to truly be happy if I am or not, is Tyson. He deserves to be. Yet, he's the one I feel betrayed by. And I shouldn't. I know that. But I still do.
I know I'm just having a "pitty party for Terri," moment.. but GOD DAMMIT, I want my turn!!! I want to have my moment again. To shine. To be proud of who the fuck and what the fuck I am. I want my stuff from Alabama. I want to be done with that cock suckin mother fucker down there. That's one thing in itself... I don't understand how on one hand I can be so fucking thankful to him for saving me from myself, my marriage, my life, and from Tom. Then in the same breath, hate his utter exsistance. I want to go back to school and get my Massage Therapy license that I started in St. Louis. But I can't, they don't take federal grants at the school down here and fucking Sallie Mae has a stick up her ass and won't lend me anymore money because Tom and I had to do the bankruptcy thing before we got divorced. I want my boys to be happy. I want them to have a momma they are proud of. I want to be happy. I'm tired of settling for semi anything. DO YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!! I'M DONE WITH IT!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF IT!!!!!!!!