Six days and counting...
Well, here is an update on my move to Canada....
The date for my departure keeps changing, which is getting really irritating. Originally, I was supposed to move to Canada in late April. On Valentine's Day, I decided, to hell with this place! I'm leaving now! Now became Tuesday...as in two days ago. I had serious problems finding a ride to Canada, which was very frustrated. Most of my friends have jobs but they don't make very much money and right now I have absolutely no money whatsoever so that was a big issue. You can't drive a car with no gas in it, now can you? There was also the issue of food. Even if we found gas, do we really want to drive up to five hours without being able to stop for food because we have no money? Also, the majority of my friends and I are smokers. Well, no money equals no cigarettes which for a long car ride equals a lot of bitchiness! So that was the main problem and why most of my friends said no when I asked if they could drive me. None of us could afford it whatsoever. Of course, there was also the issue that most of my friends didn't want to drive that far and they definitely didn't want to drive home by themselves. I suggested that they bring someone with them but if we got to my best friend's house too late, I'd have to check with her to see if my driver and their friend could crash for the night before driving back to Michigan. So not only did I have to find a driver my best friend didn't object to, I also had to make sure it was okay if the driver and her friend could stay the night if they had to. Grr, right? Finally, I found someone who was willing to drive me to Rachel's house and money won't be a problem. I decided long ago that whoever did drive me to Canada shouldn't have to fund the trip themselves. I mean, that's just common decency. How are you going to say to someone, "Hey, do you mind driving me all the way to my friend's house in Southeastern Ontario PLUS pay for the entire thing??" Right. Not going to happen, especially if I ever want to speak to this friend again. So I decided that if they were going to be generous to drive me all that way, the least thing I can do is make it worth their while. So with the departure date set for Thursday, (which would have been yesterday), instead of Tuesday, my hunt for money began. However, my driver called me on Wednesday night and asked if it would be okay to delay the trip until later this weekend or possibly all the way until Monday. I one up'ed her. I suggested we wait as long as next Thursday or next Saturday. Why? Well, my hunt for money is not going well at all and it dawned on me that on March 1st, (next Thursday), my disability check will be deposited in my bank account. If I could wait it out that long, ta da! Funding for the trip!! Plus, I can get my hair straightened and dyed, (and let's face it, it needs it!), buy many items I'm going to need there, as well as have money to start out my four-month stay with. If I had gone to Canada on Tuesday, I would have gone there with shitty hair, not all the stuff I need, and no money. Lovely, right? So it makes a hell of a lot more sense to just wait until the end of next week when my check comes in so I'll definitely have the gas money, the food money, the cigarette money, money for my hair disaster recovery, (hehe), money for the need-to-buy-now items, and money for my first few weeks there. Get it???
So there we go...that is my update. I will be stuck in the state of Michigan for yet another week. But that's okay. There are still several people I want to spend time with and say good-bye to before I leave. Yeah, I know, I'm only going for four-months. Or am I? There is still a really large part of me that is considering not coming back in mid-June. Maybe I'll stay for a couple more months...or maybe I just won't come back at all. My home situation is absolutely miserable and I can't stand the thought of having to live here longer. I really really hate it here. I do not get along with either one of my parents at all, my brother will be back in about a month and I really don't want anything to do with him right now, we have absolutely no money, I am constantly being reminded that I'm not wanted here, and every time my disability checks come in, I am forced to give it to my parents to pay their bills! I'm sick and tired of it. They never even say thank you or act the least bit appreciative for the fact I give them all my money even though I don't have to. Well I do. They'd kick me out if I didn't. Did you know that is the only reason they don't want me to leave? I am their primary source of income and they want me to stay so they can have my money. They both admitted that to me. Neither one of them even said they'd miss me, even when I asked them point-blank if they were going to. They will just miss my money and I especially know that to be true when my mom said to me, "How are we supposed to pay our bills?" You want to know my response to that? "I don't care anymore." It is their problem, not mine. I should not have to support them. I only get $415 a month and I have a lot of important issues right now that need that money. They are grown-ass adults with college degrees. If they're having money problems, go get a better job then! She's a substitute teacher and he's a lawyer that doesn't get paid by his clients anymore! Then go do something about it! Why do I have to support you assholes when you've never done a damn thing for me?? Yeah, sure, you paid for vacations, private school, voice lessons, clothes...whatever. But that's not what's important in life. Love and support is but I have never in my entire life gotten that out of them and I never will. They have treated me like shit my entire life and they expect me to be happy to help them out? No! Fuck you! I have helped them with their stupid bills for almost a year and they can't even say thank you. I am shit out of money and everything around here just stands still. We have absolutely no food and I can't buy anymore because I'm out of food stamps and I have no money. So I asked my mom if she'd be willing to go grocery shopping, (I normally have to do it), and she goes, "And what? I have to pay for it?" Um, I've been doing it for six months and because I'm out of money, I'm starving because you guys won't buy food! So yes, you should pay for it! Fucking Christ. So yeah, I need to get the hell out of here and because of the way I am treated constantly, (like absolute shit even though they have to rely on me for their bills), I am seriously thinking about not coming back. I can't afford to move out completely on my own. I have a lot of things preventing that and I honestly don't know if, (outside of being married), if I'll ever be able to get a place of my own. So I'd much rather stay in Canada with people I know love me and actually want me there. No one wants me here and if they do it's for their own selfish reasons. I have only come across one or two people here that are actually upset that I'm leaving because they'll miss me. Because I actually mean something to them. Everyone else doesn't seem to give a flying fuck which is the biggest reason why I am leaving. There are very brief moments where I think, "What am I doing? I can't move to Canada. That's it. I'm calling Rachel. I'm not going." And then I go the entire day without anyone calling me, without anyone visiting me, without anyone IMing me, without anyone emailing me, without anyone sending me a message on my Myspace and I think, "That's exactly why I'm leaving." I'm done with everyone who can sit there and claim they love me but when it comes down to it, they don't give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. Unfortunately, almost every single one of my friends are like that so I'm done. I am leaving. It's sad I have to move out of the United States of America, leave the state I was born in, leave my home for the last 20 years in order to find someone to care about me but that is the world that was created for me. A world where no one wants me around unless I can do something for them and the moment I can't, they can't be found. A world where the people who made an active choice to make you a permanent member of their family rob you blind and spend every second of the day hating you and subsequently making you hate yourself. A world where you spend nearly 24 hours a day utterly alone with no one to talk to except for your fucking cat. A world where you cry yourself to sleep every single night and pray to God death will come because that is the only way you can escape the never ending pain. That's the world I live in. So yeah...I'm leaving. God willing, in six days, I will no longer live here. I will just be a memory for all the people who claimed they cared so much about me and I hope when I'm gone they say to themselves, "God, I wish I would have done something to show her I cared when I had a chance." Well, luckily for all of you, you have six days left. What are you going to do with it?
The date for my departure keeps changing, which is getting really irritating. Originally, I was supposed to move to Canada in late April. On Valentine's Day, I decided, to hell with this place! I'm leaving now! Now became Tuesday...as in two days ago. I had serious problems finding a ride to Canada, which was very frustrated. Most of my friends have jobs but they don't make very much money and right now I have absolutely no money whatsoever so that was a big issue. You can't drive a car with no gas in it, now can you? There was also the issue of food. Even if we found gas, do we really want to drive up to five hours without being able to stop for food because we have no money? Also, the majority of my friends and I are smokers. Well, no money equals no cigarettes which for a long car ride equals a lot of bitchiness! So that was the main problem and why most of my friends said no when I asked if they could drive me. None of us could afford it whatsoever. Of course, there was also the issue that most of my friends didn't want to drive that far and they definitely didn't want to drive home by themselves. I suggested that they bring someone with them but if we got to my best friend's house too late, I'd have to check with her to see if my driver and their friend could crash for the night before driving back to Michigan. So not only did I have to find a driver my best friend didn't object to, I also had to make sure it was okay if the driver and her friend could stay the night if they had to. Grr, right? Finally, I found someone who was willing to drive me to Rachel's house and money won't be a problem. I decided long ago that whoever did drive me to Canada shouldn't have to fund the trip themselves. I mean, that's just common decency. How are you going to say to someone, "Hey, do you mind driving me all the way to my friend's house in Southeastern Ontario PLUS pay for the entire thing??" Right. Not going to happen, especially if I ever want to speak to this friend again. So I decided that if they were going to be generous to drive me all that way, the least thing I can do is make it worth their while. So with the departure date set for Thursday, (which would have been yesterday), instead of Tuesday, my hunt for money began. However, my driver called me on Wednesday night and asked if it would be okay to delay the trip until later this weekend or possibly all the way until Monday. I one up'ed her. I suggested we wait as long as next Thursday or next Saturday. Why? Well, my hunt for money is not going well at all and it dawned on me that on March 1st, (next Thursday), my disability check will be deposited in my bank account. If I could wait it out that long, ta da! Funding for the trip!! Plus, I can get my hair straightened and dyed, (and let's face it, it needs it!), buy many items I'm going to need there, as well as have money to start out my four-month stay with. If I had gone to Canada on Tuesday, I would have gone there with shitty hair, not all the stuff I need, and no money. Lovely, right? So it makes a hell of a lot more sense to just wait until the end of next week when my check comes in so I'll definitely have the gas money, the food money, the cigarette money, money for my hair disaster recovery, (hehe), money for the need-to-buy-now items, and money for my first few weeks there. Get it???
So there we go...that is my update. I will be stuck in the state of Michigan for yet another week. But that's okay. There are still several people I want to spend time with and say good-bye to before I leave. Yeah, I know, I'm only going for four-months. Or am I? There is still a really large part of me that is considering not coming back in mid-June. Maybe I'll stay for a couple more months...or maybe I just won't come back at all. My home situation is absolutely miserable and I can't stand the thought of having to live here longer. I really really hate it here. I do not get along with either one of my parents at all, my brother will be back in about a month and I really don't want anything to do with him right now, we have absolutely no money, I am constantly being reminded that I'm not wanted here, and every time my disability checks come in, I am forced to give it to my parents to pay their bills! I'm sick and tired of it. They never even say thank you or act the least bit appreciative for the fact I give them all my money even though I don't have to. Well I do. They'd kick me out if I didn't. Did you know that is the only reason they don't want me to leave? I am their primary source of income and they want me to stay so they can have my money. They both admitted that to me. Neither one of them even said they'd miss me, even when I asked them point-blank if they were going to. They will just miss my money and I especially know that to be true when my mom said to me, "How are we supposed to pay our bills?" You want to know my response to that? "I don't care anymore." It is their problem, not mine. I should not have to support them. I only get $415 a month and I have a lot of important issues right now that need that money. They are grown-ass adults with college degrees. If they're having money problems, go get a better job then! She's a substitute teacher and he's a lawyer that doesn't get paid by his clients anymore! Then go do something about it! Why do I have to support you assholes when you've never done a damn thing for me?? Yeah, sure, you paid for vacations, private school, voice lessons, clothes...whatever. But that's not what's important in life. Love and support is but I have never in my entire life gotten that out of them and I never will. They have treated me like shit my entire life and they expect me to be happy to help them out? No! Fuck you! I have helped them with their stupid bills for almost a year and they can't even say thank you. I am shit out of money and everything around here just stands still. We have absolutely no food and I can't buy anymore because I'm out of food stamps and I have no money. So I asked my mom if she'd be willing to go grocery shopping, (I normally have to do it), and she goes, "And what? I have to pay for it?" Um, I've been doing it for six months and because I'm out of money, I'm starving because you guys won't buy food! So yes, you should pay for it! Fucking Christ. So yeah, I need to get the hell out of here and because of the way I am treated constantly, (like absolute shit even though they have to rely on me for their bills), I am seriously thinking about not coming back. I can't afford to move out completely on my own. I have a lot of things preventing that and I honestly don't know if, (outside of being married), if I'll ever be able to get a place of my own. So I'd much rather stay in Canada with people I know love me and actually want me there. No one wants me here and if they do it's for their own selfish reasons. I have only come across one or two people here that are actually upset that I'm leaving because they'll miss me. Because I actually mean something to them. Everyone else doesn't seem to give a flying fuck which is the biggest reason why I am leaving. There are very brief moments where I think, "What am I doing? I can't move to Canada. That's it. I'm calling Rachel. I'm not going." And then I go the entire day without anyone calling me, without anyone visiting me, without anyone IMing me, without anyone emailing me, without anyone sending me a message on my Myspace and I think, "That's exactly why I'm leaving." I'm done with everyone who can sit there and claim they love me but when it comes down to it, they don't give a flying fuck about anyone but themselves. Unfortunately, almost every single one of my friends are like that so I'm done. I am leaving. It's sad I have to move out of the United States of America, leave the state I was born in, leave my home for the last 20 years in order to find someone to care about me but that is the world that was created for me. A world where no one wants me around unless I can do something for them and the moment I can't, they can't be found. A world where the people who made an active choice to make you a permanent member of their family rob you blind and spend every second of the day hating you and subsequently making you hate yourself. A world where you spend nearly 24 hours a day utterly alone with no one to talk to except for your fucking cat. A world where you cry yourself to sleep every single night and pray to God death will come because that is the only way you can escape the never ending pain. That's the world I live in. So yeah...I'm leaving. God willing, in six days, I will no longer live here. I will just be a memory for all the people who claimed they cared so much about me and I hope when I'm gone they say to themselves, "God, I wish I would have done something to show her I cared when I had a chance." Well, luckily for all of you, you have six days left. What are you going to do with it?