Coagulation : Part Three & Four
3. Kyuhyun
Geng’s leaving. Through the proverbial grapevine it came, the news that the odd one out was gone. He could still hear Zhou Mi breathing heavily on the other side of the phone, a sort of wistful sighing that Geng was gone. Kyuhyun couldn’t bring himself to feel quite the same, to muster that same kind of sadness, because in spite of everything, he and Geng had never gotten along very well, and it didn’t really affect him either way that he was going.
He remembered the day the SM managers had told the group they were forming a special subunit to break into the Chinese market, Super Junior Mandarin, and when the members were named, Kyuhyun couldn’t help thinking he would be the leader. He knew how it went, he knew that the oldest was always the leader, it was just how the industry worked, but God. How badly he had wanted it, how hard it had been to hide his disappointment, how utterly devastated he was. He had sat in front of his mirror that night, practicing saying Kui Xian but the words Super Junior M leader sat, like a festering open sore in his mind, unspoken.
Finally, he’s going to be gone. Through the proverbial grapevine it came, the news that Super Junior M would need a new leader. It was sort of ridiculous how Geng had always belonged but had never felt accepted in the larger group, whereas Kyuhyun had just sort of found his niche of acceptance but never quite felt like he belonged. He had been the extra one, the guy they had tacked on at the end when it just seemed like he would fit, but somehow, he was dissatisfied. He liked being part of SJ-M, but he sometimes resented Geng for being the leader. It’s ‘cause you’re the oldest, a petulant Kyuhyun had thought.
And the worst part was, Geng had never taken that position seriously. He was always goofing off at concert rehearsals, texting Heechul and playing pranks on Siwon, and it had taken everything for Kyuhyun not to bark at him to do his freaking job. And when promotions rolled around, Geng and Mi were the ones running around smiling at the camera and telling the people of China that SJ-M loved them, and Kyuhyun had felt murderously jealous that he wasn’t with Mi doing those things.
For the first time in a long time, Kyuhyun allowed himself to picture himself as the new leader of Super Junior M. It felt good.
4. Leeteuk
Another one is going, going, gone. Like it was possessed by phantoms, the rumor mill began to spin and the antis were circling, waiting to strike. God, being the leader entitled so much pressure, so much stress to keep the group together, to make sure things like this didn’t happen. But it was happening, and Leeteuk had never been the best of friends with Geng in the first place, and it was just happening too fast, and Leeteuk couldn’t stop it. He felt helpless, like he had screwed up as a leader, let his brothers down, and this was the aftermath.
He remembered the day he had received the email that he was going to be the leader of a “new super group” and that there would be 12 members. He recognized a few of the SM trainees, noting that the quiet Chinese one was part of the debuting group. It was a great moment, the epic pay-off after so many years of busting his ass to dance and sing and just be what SM wanted in an entertainer. And it had been incredibly easy to get along with the other members; they were a family from the start, and Leeteuk remembered that he hadn’t dared to imagine a day when his family would break.
Soon, they’ll be finished. Like it was possessed by phantoms, the rumor mill began to spin and the antis were circling, waiting to strike. Pretty soon, he was going to have to, with the rest of the members, face the bureaucratic bullshit that always came with these situations. He was going to have to say bye to Geng and know that it would be for a damn long time, but worst of all, he was going to have to pick up the pieces. He knew they’d all be hurting, because it wasn’t just Geng, it was everyone leaving, leaving, gone. And then Super Junior would be nothing, and without Super Junior, Leeteuk wasn’t anything. He was insignificant.
So he rehearsed a long, complicated speech in front of his dressing room mirror, hoping to catch Geng before he ran off somewhere, words like sacrifice and selfishness rolling off his tongue. But when he finally stepped outside, the only thing he could think of to tell Geng was that he was going to tear the group apart and that was too much and Leeteuk needed the group because it meant something solid, something grounding him to the company, something keeping him whole. Don’t take that away from me.
PARTS 5&6
Geng’s leaving. Through the proverbial grapevine it came, the news that the odd one out was gone. He could still hear Zhou Mi breathing heavily on the other side of the phone, a sort of wistful sighing that Geng was gone. Kyuhyun couldn’t bring himself to feel quite the same, to muster that same kind of sadness, because in spite of everything, he and Geng had never gotten along very well, and it didn’t really affect him either way that he was going.
He remembered the day the SM managers had told the group they were forming a special subunit to break into the Chinese market, Super Junior Mandarin, and when the members were named, Kyuhyun couldn’t help thinking he would be the leader. He knew how it went, he knew that the oldest was always the leader, it was just how the industry worked, but God. How badly he had wanted it, how hard it had been to hide his disappointment, how utterly devastated he was. He had sat in front of his mirror that night, practicing saying Kui Xian but the words Super Junior M leader sat, like a festering open sore in his mind, unspoken.
Finally, he’s going to be gone. Through the proverbial grapevine it came, the news that Super Junior M would need a new leader. It was sort of ridiculous how Geng had always belonged but had never felt accepted in the larger group, whereas Kyuhyun had just sort of found his niche of acceptance but never quite felt like he belonged. He had been the extra one, the guy they had tacked on at the end when it just seemed like he would fit, but somehow, he was dissatisfied. He liked being part of SJ-M, but he sometimes resented Geng for being the leader. It’s ‘cause you’re the oldest, a petulant Kyuhyun had thought.
And the worst part was, Geng had never taken that position seriously. He was always goofing off at concert rehearsals, texting Heechul and playing pranks on Siwon, and it had taken everything for Kyuhyun not to bark at him to do his freaking job. And when promotions rolled around, Geng and Mi were the ones running around smiling at the camera and telling the people of China that SJ-M loved them, and Kyuhyun had felt murderously jealous that he wasn’t with Mi doing those things.
For the first time in a long time, Kyuhyun allowed himself to picture himself as the new leader of Super Junior M. It felt good.
4. Leeteuk
Another one is going, going, gone. Like it was possessed by phantoms, the rumor mill began to spin and the antis were circling, waiting to strike. God, being the leader entitled so much pressure, so much stress to keep the group together, to make sure things like this didn’t happen. But it was happening, and Leeteuk had never been the best of friends with Geng in the first place, and it was just happening too fast, and Leeteuk couldn’t stop it. He felt helpless, like he had screwed up as a leader, let his brothers down, and this was the aftermath.
He remembered the day he had received the email that he was going to be the leader of a “new super group” and that there would be 12 members. He recognized a few of the SM trainees, noting that the quiet Chinese one was part of the debuting group. It was a great moment, the epic pay-off after so many years of busting his ass to dance and sing and just be what SM wanted in an entertainer. And it had been incredibly easy to get along with the other members; they were a family from the start, and Leeteuk remembered that he hadn’t dared to imagine a day when his family would break.
Soon, they’ll be finished. Like it was possessed by phantoms, the rumor mill began to spin and the antis were circling, waiting to strike. Pretty soon, he was going to have to, with the rest of the members, face the bureaucratic bullshit that always came with these situations. He was going to have to say bye to Geng and know that it would be for a damn long time, but worst of all, he was going to have to pick up the pieces. He knew they’d all be hurting, because it wasn’t just Geng, it was everyone leaving, leaving, gone. And then Super Junior would be nothing, and without Super Junior, Leeteuk wasn’t anything. He was insignificant.
So he rehearsed a long, complicated speech in front of his dressing room mirror, hoping to catch Geng before he ran off somewhere, words like sacrifice and selfishness rolling off his tongue. But when he finally stepped outside, the only thing he could think of to tell Geng was that he was going to tear the group apart and that was too much and Leeteuk needed the group because it meant something solid, something grounding him to the company, something keeping him whole. Don’t take that away from me.
PARTS 5&6