Coagulation : Part Five & Six
5. Kangin
Forgive me if I don't care. It was a mean thing to think, rude and callous and hurtful, but Kangin couldn't bring himself to look anything more than somber when Leeteuk got the news and collapsed on the floor in front of him. It wasn't like he and Han Geng were the best of friends; yes, the guy was nice and yes, he liked him, but it didn't mean anything that he was leaving. It should have meant a little more, and his heartstrings tugged insistently when he saw Leeteuk completely fallen apart, but it wasn't enough.
It was hard to feel much of anything lately, and it scared him a little bit. He was constantly frozen, constantly battering the apathy that punched him in the stomach when he woke up in the morning and kept him up all night when he tumbled into bed. It was almost painful, the crippling feeling of just not giving a fuck whatsoever. It was enough to make him want out, to say goodbye to everything and just escape into a little bubble where he didn't have to be Kangin, the Super Junior member, but he could be whoever he wanted to because no one would know him.
Sometimes you meet people, and sometimes they go away. It was some variation of an old saying, Kangin thought, or maybe it wasn't. It didn't matter anyhow; it was right, and in this case, with Geng, it was truth embodied. And now Leeteuk was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and all Kangin wanted to do was reach out and hug him, just hold him, and whisper that everything was going to be okay, but it wasn't. It could never be okay. The foundations of their carefully built image were starting to crumble, and they were all falling as rapidly as comets to the floor.
Now Kangin was pushing the door and bolting out of the room, his hand pressed over his mouth to keep from screaming words he'd regret, words like I don't care and I want out and I just want to feel. I just want to feel.
6. Han Geng
I thought I needed you guys, but I don't. The words froze on his tongue, cold and searing at the same time, as if daring him to say them, to spit them out and not want to take them back. It was a slippery slope, to cut off all of his relationships, to slice through them with a metaphorical knife, but wasn't it easier this way? Wasn't it easier not to love or to feel or to want or to care because in the long run, there was nothing to reap. There was nothing to hold at the end of the day, and Geng just wanted to walk away from it all, hands untainted.
He was tugging a suitcase behind him now, the burly security guard grunting as he struggled with Geng's luggage, and when he reached the front door, a car was waiting for him. As he piled in with all of his carry-ons and duffel bags, he could almost feel everyone in the building staring up at him. And foolishly, he looked up, sating his almost childish curiosity, and found to his utter horror that not a single person was looking. It hurt, and Geng wouldn't admit it to anyone but himself that he felt crestfallen. Not even Siwon was looking for him, that utter look of hope and wishful thinking etched on his too-perfect features. Not even Heechul, the grimace of betrayal wrinkling every inch of his face.
Let's just stop trying to make this work and say our goodbyes.
Forgive me if I don't care. It was a mean thing to think, rude and callous and hurtful, but Kangin couldn't bring himself to look anything more than somber when Leeteuk got the news and collapsed on the floor in front of him. It wasn't like he and Han Geng were the best of friends; yes, the guy was nice and yes, he liked him, but it didn't mean anything that he was leaving. It should have meant a little more, and his heartstrings tugged insistently when he saw Leeteuk completely fallen apart, but it wasn't enough.
It was hard to feel much of anything lately, and it scared him a little bit. He was constantly frozen, constantly battering the apathy that punched him in the stomach when he woke up in the morning and kept him up all night when he tumbled into bed. It was almost painful, the crippling feeling of just not giving a fuck whatsoever. It was enough to make him want out, to say goodbye to everything and just escape into a little bubble where he didn't have to be Kangin, the Super Junior member, but he could be whoever he wanted to because no one would know him.
Sometimes you meet people, and sometimes they go away. It was some variation of an old saying, Kangin thought, or maybe it wasn't. It didn't matter anyhow; it was right, and in this case, with Geng, it was truth embodied. And now Leeteuk was curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, and all Kangin wanted to do was reach out and hug him, just hold him, and whisper that everything was going to be okay, but it wasn't. It could never be okay. The foundations of their carefully built image were starting to crumble, and they were all falling as rapidly as comets to the floor.
Now Kangin was pushing the door and bolting out of the room, his hand pressed over his mouth to keep from screaming words he'd regret, words like I don't care and I want out and I just want to feel. I just want to feel.
6. Han Geng
I thought I needed you guys, but I don't. The words froze on his tongue, cold and searing at the same time, as if daring him to say them, to spit them out and not want to take them back. It was a slippery slope, to cut off all of his relationships, to slice through them with a metaphorical knife, but wasn't it easier this way? Wasn't it easier not to love or to feel or to want or to care because in the long run, there was nothing to reap. There was nothing to hold at the end of the day, and Geng just wanted to walk away from it all, hands untainted.
He was tugging a suitcase behind him now, the burly security guard grunting as he struggled with Geng's luggage, and when he reached the front door, a car was waiting for him. As he piled in with all of his carry-ons and duffel bags, he could almost feel everyone in the building staring up at him. And foolishly, he looked up, sating his almost childish curiosity, and found to his utter horror that not a single person was looking. It hurt, and Geng wouldn't admit it to anyone but himself that he felt crestfallen. Not even Siwon was looking for him, that utter look of hope and wishful thinking etched on his too-perfect features. Not even Heechul, the grimace of betrayal wrinkling every inch of his face.
Let's just stop trying to make this work and say our goodbyes.