Kind of had my heart drop

[sweetrainbowgrl]

I just got off the phone with my Guinny and it was soo great talking to her, but I stay of course again way too long on the phone with her. We were having problems at first with me sounding like I was under water! But then I called the house so it sounded better than before! She was gettin ready to go out with friends and startin her night and here I was just doing my normal cleanin for the day. As we talked I was talkin about her coming home, and she got in the subject of the studio I was tellin her I was gonna get awhile ago, but I said well not yet, we are going to have to find somewhere else because that one fell through. And well she said something that kind of did I guess make my heart drop....About the whole living together type thing. I mean yes we do love one another but its just that I donno I was under the impression that if I stay where it is that Iam at it will just bring distance towards us. As in that we are going to be states away from one another still when she gets home on the 4th of April from Madrid, so I wanted to make sure we will have a place when she gets home. And she went on to say that she will be most likly stayin in CT for the summer and then in school in the fall, with Claudia (her last semsters roommate), which isn't something she wants but that is how things have to be. And that she didn't wnat to move in with one another for now...and also that the distance doesn't seem like a bad thing as of now. That she doesn't want to end up in the long run hating me....and that she doesn't want things to move too fast. Which I do understand this whole thing yes, but you see, we now have been aprt for something of 5 months, and will be for now if I don't get money to see her, for another 4 more months until she gets in to DC. Which for all the people that don't wanna do the math will be 9months....this distance is killin me baby!!!!!!! yes it will make things better for when we do finally see one another but it also is hurtin me like you couldn't imagen...I guess and I am also thinkin about how things will be once she is back in DC with Claudia who doesn't really feel to comfortible with the whole gay thing, and well its hard to be affactionate towards my girl when her roommate kind of makes us feel all werid..but it doesn't happen that much. Or maybe its just me who feels all werid? Who knows...I just feel that maybe I was gettin my hopes too much up about her wanting to move in together? Or that I might be able to see her over the summer?
All I want to do is just curl up in her arms and lay and just be....but I guess I can't have that? It also seems like I can't manage to have a lot of things....I am comin now to this conclusion about a million of things! I hate it!
One day I will smile again.......(At least I am keepin my hopes up right?)