Where do we begin, the rubble or our sins?
Hey Lord.
Where should I begin? I don't even know where to start in describing the way I've been feeling. This has been a hard season. And before this season, another hard season, and before that... I'm weary, and I often feel washed away by the anxiety I feel. And when I break from the strain of the anxiety, I swing into apathy and depression.
It is hard not having a home right now. It is hard to be waiting on our future. It is hard to have so many filthy [metaphorical] closets that just won't close, so many unresolved issues lurking just out of sight, ALMOST out of mind but not quite. So many ghosts.
Our Caring for the Heart study has been good and helpful, but it has also given us a lot of negative things to focus on which are hard and seem to be lending a negative flavor to the week. I'm having a hard time being positive. It's been going on for awhile, since before the study. I just feel scorched. I feel suspicious and paranoid and dry, and it is hard to view anything with gladness and not suspicion, or resentment.
It's hard to be washed away by anxiety and not have a safe haven. I guess I should count Jeff and our comfortable temporary home and our families and Charlotte and our health and wealth... But they can't make me stop being anxious. I don't know how to turn it all off, to let it all go.
I remember seasons of my life where I trusted you and found Sabbath and was very blessed by it. I don't trust you now, and it doesn't make sense to expect blessing from you. I wish I could trust you and find peace with you. Hopefully someday. This journey isn't over, and I hope I find home with you again someday.
In the meantime... this entry feels dumb. I feel removed and stiff. I feel restless. I don't know how to communicate everything. I don't know how to ask for the things I need or how to pray for Jeff and Charlotte.
I wish you would come find me. I don't know how many times I've prayed it, but you still don't seem to come. Are you a rescuing God after all? If I didn't feel so heart-brokenly abandoned by you, everything would be easier, and I would be a better person. Now, I feel so limited by the pain I feel from you. I feel bitter and betrayed, and it contaminates my outlook on the rest of my life and relationships.
Won't you come? Why don't you come? Where are you?
Love,
Melinda
Where should I begin? I don't even know where to start in describing the way I've been feeling. This has been a hard season. And before this season, another hard season, and before that... I'm weary, and I often feel washed away by the anxiety I feel. And when I break from the strain of the anxiety, I swing into apathy and depression.
It is hard not having a home right now. It is hard to be waiting on our future. It is hard to have so many filthy [metaphorical] closets that just won't close, so many unresolved issues lurking just out of sight, ALMOST out of mind but not quite. So many ghosts.
Our Caring for the Heart study has been good and helpful, but it has also given us a lot of negative things to focus on which are hard and seem to be lending a negative flavor to the week. I'm having a hard time being positive. It's been going on for awhile, since before the study. I just feel scorched. I feel suspicious and paranoid and dry, and it is hard to view anything with gladness and not suspicion, or resentment.
It's hard to be washed away by anxiety and not have a safe haven. I guess I should count Jeff and our comfortable temporary home and our families and Charlotte and our health and wealth... But they can't make me stop being anxious. I don't know how to turn it all off, to let it all go.
I remember seasons of my life where I trusted you and found Sabbath and was very blessed by it. I don't trust you now, and it doesn't make sense to expect blessing from you. I wish I could trust you and find peace with you. Hopefully someday. This journey isn't over, and I hope I find home with you again someday.
In the meantime... this entry feels dumb. I feel removed and stiff. I feel restless. I don't know how to communicate everything. I don't know how to ask for the things I need or how to pray for Jeff and Charlotte.
I wish you would come find me. I don't know how many times I've prayed it, but you still don't seem to come. Are you a rescuing God after all? If I didn't feel so heart-brokenly abandoned by you, everything would be easier, and I would be a better person. Now, I feel so limited by the pain I feel from you. I feel bitter and betrayed, and it contaminates my outlook on the rest of my life and relationships.
Won't you come? Why don't you come? Where are you?
Love,
Melinda