Milk
Hey Lord. Saturday. I just finished listening to an NCC podcast about being a baby Christian suited to milk versus growing into a mature believer who can stomach solid foods (i.e. truths/paradigms).
The guest speaker - Joel-Somebody - described being angry with you and going through a season of not communicating with you, even while maintaining his Christian facade. I can relate. I realized about two years ago that I was really angry towards you, feeling like you had abandoned me.
Things have evolved a bit since then. Instead of the breakthrough of love I've hoped and prayed for, my anger has settled into apathy and distrust. Coupled with the undermining things we've learned about the Bible's forgeries as well as the brain's ability to mimic "God" experiences, I feel serious doubts about most of the basic tenets of the Christian faith. Are you there? Have you ever been there?
Is relationship with the magnificent Source of all things possible? Desirable? Perhaps the selfish attitude underlying all of my faith pursuits thus far - How can I be blessed? How can I be safe? - has no legitimate place in the real workings of the universe. Perhaps it is simply, "Creation is yours, everything in it." It feels so much colder, more pragmatic. True, but lonely. I was hoping for a warm home, but maybe you are the mighty stars twinkling in a distant sky. Maybe life is not about finding a God where you can rest your head, but rather accepting that resting one's head is a small and temporary need in a brief flicker of life. That the flicker of life is the gift, and the warmth of love and joy are unimportant. There is some peace in being inconsequential...
But my gut fights it. I saw that sweet, tiny bird lying dead in the tangle of netting in our garden, and I am so filled with aching. DO you care about the fall of the sparrow? DID you attend it during its suffering? Was its miraculous life ended by fluke or our negligence, not some perfectly orchestrated scheme of yours? Can a beautiful vessel of life flicker out without consequence?
Lord, I want the comfort of being close to you, but maybe that's a baby Christian desire. Should I worship you as Creator, but not Father and Friend? Are you only transcendent, not immanent?
I am so reluctant to leave you but too disillusioned to pretend that things are the same. Where should I go? Give me wisdom and revelation.
What I want is peace and answers. To feel comfortable and certain. But I suspect the older I get, the more elusive the black and white truths. Help me to live in the tension without losing faith, without losing heart. Enjoying the unknown instead of dreading it.
Help me. I am certain of so little. I feel on the verge of losing faith completely.
I love you and am grateful for my flicker of life. It is blessed, and I thank you.
Love,
Melinda