(no subject)
ive been feeling better.ive been telling myself its all ok. it lasted for a day.i dont know what it was but when i was at jays i just lost it and i tried so hard to keep it under control. i didnt want to move, i didnt want to talk, but i tried. when everything inside of me was just hurting so much and i was trying so hard to not start crying infront of everyone. finally i had the strength to leave without balling my eyes out. it lasted until i pulled out of the drive way.but atleast i was in the company of no one other than myself and my fast asleep son. my emotions are on one hell of a ride on one hell of a roller coaster. i really want to just crawl into a corner and cry and pretend the world around me is just melting away.i talked to a friend on the phone today and it helped a little, to an extent. later it just all got to me, and i dont know what im more upset about right now. i feel horrible and i feel like ive let people down when i know its not my fault. tasha said "just know god did this for a reason" and i cant help but think horrible things why he would put me through so much pain and heartach? right now, the corner is screaming out my name. im trying so hard to not push myself away from people and seclude myself. being alone right now seems so inviting.