Trying to get me back to ME
It never fails, Life. When its good its good but when its bad man is it bad. Ive been through worse yet some things are different. I find myself not being as sad but more so angry. The counselor said that anger is only a manifestation of other symptoms like my sadness,anxiety,loneliness, dread,worry, just to name a few. The months on the boat just helped justify the millions of reasons why this whole life isnt for me. Doing things that dont make sense and waking up everyday without a sense of purpose meanwhile going to bed exhausted without a sense of fulfillment is not the life i want for myself. I have always wanted more, always dreamed of more. My parents always tried to bring me down from the clouds they say i lived in because apparently i dream too much. But how can your dreams be too much? Granted it took me years to realize exactly what those dreams were but now that i have them i cant fathom the idea of not following my heart. Having the friends i have back home who support those dreams is more than anyone person can ask for. But life never goes as planned and you never know who will walk into it and mean so much to you. This person who out of nowhere ran off with my heart is everything i felt i had missed for years. I finally had someone i enjoyed seeing everyday and then some. They understood my military life, they worked hard and valued the meaning of friendship as much as i did. Laughter cured it all for that brief moment, and in those moments we were infinite. But again life happens, circumstances change and we all make choices that will lead us down our path and we can never be certain if this path includes such wonderful people or if they just were meant to change you and that was the extent if their role in your life. We can never have those answers. All we can do is live, breathe, laugh and love in the moment. Cherish and hold on tight to those we love and pray that when that inevitable time comes, that time if Change, that somehow we can still keep a grasp on them. That even though things change, things get hard, feelings are hurt, distance grows, that when you see them again, you can share even the smallest sign of affection between yourselves. Something that tells you that YOU mattered just as much to them as they did to you. Through the years I always am grateful and feel nothing but blessed to have such wonderful memories and experiences, even if they made me cry, ill never regret any of them. All those that have loved me and whom I loved, have had a helping hand in creating who I am today.
I may not be at my best, but i know what happiness feels like and I want to wake up every morning trying to get myself back to it.
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