Ansky
At exactly 11pm on June 21, Ansky decided to end her life by jumping off the 11th floor of Sofitel. Ate called me at 9am the next morning to tell me about it. All I could remember was feeling my heart stop and sobbing my heart out the next second and Dan hugging me quietly. It was a weird mixture of feelings...guilt, sadness, nostalgia, love, regret... It was just so strange that at the exact time of her utter despair, I was on the other side of the city being utterly happy, watching Kung Fu Panda in bed with Dan. I knew she was depressed. The last time I saw her in person, Pseudo was home 2 years ago and we were eating dinner. And she was just really quiet, not telling jokes, not drinking beer, just smiling at us and appearing content with our presence. After that, there was a lot of hearsay that she was depressed, and she flunked the bars and she was already starting to take anti-depressants. I know that we haven't been catching up for the past couple of years but I can't just help but feel like such a failure as a friend. I knew about it and I didn't do anything just left all the dirty work to her new friends. I love Ansky with all my heart. She adopted me in high school when I was in limbo. She boosted my confidence to lead me to think that I can be anything. I remember tagging along with her during her shopping sprees, buying 6 P1k Chippie shirts and a P6k DKNY chiffon skirt in one go. I remember memorizing the dance steps to Chambawamba and it's a Beautiful Life and that Montell Jordan stint that we did in her debut, wearing skimpy hot pants. I remember talking to her on the phone for hours, sleeping over in her house and messing around with her drum set and eating siopao bread with cheese. I remember laughing so hard together that we almost peed in our pants. I remember going to Hong Kong with her and Jacque, Abby and Nyo, taking silly pictures of ourselves in Planet Hollywood. I remember us passing Ateneo and spending the 1st and last year of our college lives together as "barkada". She ordered me my first beer, a Superdry and dragged me to Mars and Limits and god knows where else. She was just so carefree and uniquely funny and so loving. The things she has done for me are endless and indelible. I wouldn't be me without her. Last night I was staring up at the sky and just silently screaming I'm so sorry... I didn't know...I wish I could have done better as a friend the way she's been good to me for all those years. Wherever you are, just please, please be happy.