-*You Light Me Up And Then I Fall For You...*-
-Hey kids. Meh its been a little while since an entry, but I feel the urge to write + Ive got plenty to discuss, so why not get right to it? Lets go...
Work: Why not start with this? So lets see. Ive gotten more hours at Chuck E. Cheese since school is officially out for basically... everyone. I closed on Monday which kinda sucked, but I got a smile card from Walter + $10 for a tip so that was ok. This weekend Im workin 6-close both Saturday + Sunday nights. Meh whatever. Not a big deal. Anyways Im still hoping for that promotion. I think I have the most hours of any Team 1 Showroom person for this week so thats really good. Anyways well see what happens. Moving on...
Target: Not much to say about this. Dan had an interview at Target too on Monday. We both havent heard back yet. I know that both Colleen + Katie Richardson just got hired there. Colleen does overnight stocking + I think Katies a cashier. They said itll take 5-7 days to find out. Well as of today (Ill say that today is Wednesday, even though its actually Thursday at 3am lol). Anyways todays the 5th day, so I have 2 more days to wait out + then well see if I got it. Its not that big of a deal for me to get or not get the job. Its only for extra money + to do something in my spare time from Chuck E. Cheese. Otherwise Im alright with my other job. No problem there. K moving on...
Adam: Well ladies + gentlemen, its official. Me + Adam... its done. I mean we were never going out, but I basically broke it off earlier today. Last night he called + wanted to chill + I really didnt wanna see him + go "chill" at his house. I told him Id call him a half hour later... But I never did. I went to Dans house + we played old school Nintendo games instead. Anyways Adam didnt call so I was pretty sure he understood. Today we talked online + I let everything out. I told him about how I felt disrespected + how I wanted to be treated equally. I told him that we both knew we werent right for each other, but we were both in denial. Wed fight + attempt to talk about it, then "solve" it afterwards. But we never solved anything. We only ignored it. It was a vicious cycle (as I said in my last post lol). He seems to think that Im not gonna be able to handle if hes with another girl + I see them together if we all (our group of friends since we have a lot of the same friends now) hang out. I know itll be tough, but Ill get through it. I know he would have to deal with the same thing if he saw me with another guy, but I usually keep friends + "more than friends" people separate, unless my "more than friends" guys are friends with my usual group of friends. Anyways, I talked to my mom about it. She thinks Ill be fine in dealing with it. She thinks its HIM who will have the problem. I dont know if I agree with her yet, but only time will reveal what goes on. I know Ill miss Adam + Ill still love him. Basically 2½ years of my adolescent life doesnt just magically disappear like that. Hell always be in my heart, but merely not to the extent like he used to. Ill probably still see him with my group of friends + Ill attempt to talk to him. + who knows what will happen along the ways of life? If we happen to run into each other again + something clicks, Ill tell ya when it happens. In the meantime, lets move on...
Dan: Ha whenever Dan reads my xanga he loves to have a bigger paragraph than any other topic. Sadly I dont think hell get that today since I have a lot to say about a lot more stuff. Sorry. I forgot to warn you to get pretty comfortable. Itll be a long read... as usual. No surprise there. Anyways Dan + I have a new passion... Running together! lol On Saturday I ran while him + Ricky worked on Dans sprinting + threw the football around. Then on Monday after his interview we went running again in the blistering heat. I have a sunburn on my shoulders from it + really bad tan lines from my tank top, but it was worth it. Part of the time we talked too, + it was just great. I love spending time with Dan. Although I consider him just a friend (at least right now I do), I LOVE his company + how we can just laugh about the stupidest things. I know he cares a lot about me, as I do him. I think he wants to be more than friends though + Im not ready to take that step. I want my freedom (at least for a few months) + then maybe well see how things go. But Im not romantically attracted to Dan. Not to mention I think it would make our amazing friendship a little odd. But again well see. Ill keep ya posted. Moving on... O ya + by the way Dan owes me $10. If you wanna know why, just ask + Ill tell ya. Ok NOW moving on...
Lia: I have a new good friend. Her name is Lia. She wrote about me so now I wanna write about her. (Lia I hope you dont mind :-\) Anyways me + Lia started actually talking through Xanga. Ive known her since middle school + we both were in the band together. We were 2 smart girls that were made fun of + unpopular due to our intelligence + possibly our looks. (I wasnt very pretty + Lia wasnt very skinny... omg no offense at all Lia!) Anyways in high school, the only time I really saw Lia was in homeroom. Some days she wouldnt be there. I didnt pay much attention I guess. I figured she had moved or was sick or something. Then almost all of sophomore year she wasnt there either. Again I figured she just had moved. Then after I heard she had been sick + had gotten her GED, I wondered about her a lot. I realized that Im not alone if I wanna get a GED. I know this girl is really smart like me, but its ok if I dont like school + get a GED. It doesnt make me any stupider or less of a person. She commented on one of my entries in my xanga when I was feeling really depressed + unmotivated. She said she wanted to help me. So I started talking to her through emails + then it became IMs. I told her I wanted to chill with her since we seemed to have a lot in common. I wasnt sure where she lived but she had moved to Rehoboth (a few towns away), so she was still within driving + "chilling" distance lol. So this past Sunday me + Lia met at the mall after not seeing each other for about 1-1½ years. We spent 2 hours walking around + just talking about everything imaginable. Then we went mini golfing. I beat her but thats ok. It was a good day for me. Then we went to Friendlys + had water + Diet coke. We talked about another girl who had an eating disorder in our school + we werent sure if she was back to not eating again. I dont know. Anyways then it was time to take Lia home. lol We got lost on our way to her house about 3 times haha, but then we got it. I met her dad + he gave me directions back + that was our day spent together. I really loved it. The conversation was flowing + I learned a lot about her + that we have tons of stuff in common. + it was so nice to spend time with a girl. I know that sounds weird but I have tons of guy friends since I feel that its easier to get along with guys than girls. Many girls are superficial about things so I really hate that. But Lias not like that. Tonight we went + saw Fever Pitch in East Providence. Then we went to Gregg's + ate. Ive never been there before but it was really good. I had a chicken sandwich + this AMAZING piece of chocolate cake with peanut butter chips. The proceeds for the cake went to the Hasbros Childrens Hospital so I wanted to get that. It was called "The Giving Cake" + I thought the idea was really creative + generous. I love when I do nice things for people. It makes me feel so good inside. Maybe thats why I love being nice at work. I love when people + kids say "please" + "thank you". Its great. Anyways back to Lia. So Lias going on vacation starting on Friday + wont be back until next Friday. Shes going away to Georgia with her dad. So to you Lia, I wish you a safe + fun trip. Ill miss ya + Ill talk to you when you get back. Muah! Hope you enjoyed my story. Me + Lia will continue to get to know each other + become better friends (I hope lol). Ill keep ya posted. Continuing...
Kealer: Lately Ive chilled with my friend Kealer a lot. Hmm now what to tell ya so that you become familiar with him? I havent known Kealer too long, compared to my other friends I guess. I met him about last year. Ya. Actually Ive been friends with him for longer than some people but whatev. Anyways Kealer used to be known for his huge fro, but he got it cut off the day of graduation but after the ceremony. I used to semi-like him around last July cuz I remember I was with him on the 4th of July last year. Anyways ever since Kealer got rid of his famous hair... well hes gotten much cuter. I mean he still has the same face + personality + everything, but that haircut REALLY helped. He has nice both eyes + his bodys alright. At times he can sound pretty stupid, especially since he talks reeeeaaallllllyyyy sllllooooowwwwlllly + draaaaaags out every word lol. But otherwise hes a chill kinda kid. By the way his real names Mark... But NO one (besides his family) ever calls him that. Anyways lately Ive been chillin with him. I dont know if its just because he usually isnt busy or for other reasons. Kealer says I can always come over to swim, so after long days at work or just out somewhere, I stop by to swim for about 1-1½ hours + just relax in the pool. Its soooo refreshing. + Kealers really different 1 on 1. He doesnt act as stupid (usually lol) + he seems more of that nice caring guy. Not to mention when we watch tv or a movie he loves to cuddle. hehe Its really sweet + its a totally different side of Kealer than I usually ever see. Now Im not really sure if hes just 1 of those guys that needs something to hold on to, or if this is a special "thing" that hes got for me. Hmm... Wish I could find out. Lets just say Missy might have a little crush... hehe. *stupid girlie giggle* Heh Ill keep ya posted...
Kelli: Hmm. What to say about Kelli... Now recently Kelli posted a big entry + discussed any feeling she had towards me. Now dont worry. I read EVERY word, just like I do to all of my subscriptions, even if theyre long + somewhat boring. This 1 I didnt find boring, especially since it was mostly focused on me. So she said I could go bash her on my Xanga. Now I could do that but Im not gonna because a) I dont feel the need to go express anger on this journal, especially since its a personal issue between me + Kelli, + b) Im not mad at her. I did find a few things she said sort of hurtful, such as "you're pretty preoccupied with yourself so you don't have time for other people." + "and if i told you this, ha. you'd hear it but you wouldn't, just like with everything else." + "look forward to maybe hearing from you before i'm 60." Besides those things, I was able to identify with what she said I suppose. Alright in the case of Kelli, I KNOW Kellis busy. I have a lot more free time compared to her, especially when school was in session. Kelli has a demanding job as a CNA, she babysits, she has younger sisters + a younger brother to take care of, + she plays soccer. Now thats a LOT! Along with school when it was still in session. She works very hard for things + I truly admire her for things. When I posted about Kelli last time, I didnt mean to bash her at all. I dont know if she took it that way or not. I just meant to say that I missed her + that I wasnt sure if she wanted to hang out anymore. But mostly it was that I missed her. Now I dont think Kellis bad or anything. It was good that she got things off her chest. The reasons I dont call are because I fele like I will bother someone who is busy + I hate to bother people because Im really bad at interpretting when people are annoyed or bothered. So when I didnt call Kelli, it was merely because I thought she was busy with her job or finals. It wasnt to cut her off or anything. I think she has some very good ideas + insight about things. I wasnt trying to not listen to her when she told me to go back to school. It was just something that was really difficult for me + the solution wasnt that simple. Just going back to school was an issue for me. Not only did I not want to, but I had a mindset that I knew I wasnt going to + I knew I didnt want to be there. I wanted to accomplish + overcome it, but other things needed to be taken care of first. + now that Im feeling happy + healthy I feel like Ill be able to take night school in the fall at Mansfield High School + Ill be able to get my high school diploma. Anyways back to Kelli. Kelli, I apologize if you thought that I said I didnt wanna be your friend. Of course I want to be. I didnt know you thought I was preoccupied with myself + that I didnt value our time. Of course I did. I loved spending time with you. It was time to be a girl + be sane + have someone understand me. It was boy talk but it was also about life in general. I know you were risking your time + Im sorry if you really were worried about it. I just really loved talking to you. I didnt know you thought I only took from our friendship. I mean I supported you through everything. I really dont know what else I could have done. If you think I was just taking rides or something Im really sorry. That wasnt my intention. It was only because I really wanted to spend time with you. But now that I drive I guess that wont be that big of a deal. + of course I care that you took your time + risked things for us. If you had gotten in trouble or a fine, I wouldve felt horrible + probably would have paid at least ½ of it since I asked you to drive me. Im sorry if you think I didnt care. I dont know what else to do to show you I do care. I mean this is all I can say. I miss you a lot + wanna see you soon. I went to your CNA graduation + sat with you after surgery because I wanted to. Youre my friend. I know youd do the same for me. I took you to NYC. I knew wed have an awesome time + share amazing experiences that we could remember for so long. I knew wed both love it + our friendship would grow from it. I hope you read this whole thing, just like I read your whole entry. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Kel, youre still an awesome frine even if we have had time apart. + I understand that you were just getting things off your chest. Im not gonna take much (if any) offense to it. + if I dont have plans this weekend (which I mostly do. I gotta close work both Saturday + Sunday. Friday I already have plans). However I can call you either Saturday or Sunday afternoon sometime about making plans for next week. But maybe Ill wait for you to read this + comment or something. I dont want you to be mad when I talk to you. But I hope youre doing well, + Ill talk to you soon. Ok Im done with that...
Food/Weight/Nutrition: I feel like a big hypocrite when I type about this. Only a few weeks-1 month ago, I was typing about how much I wanted to help those who were anorexic/bulimic. But now Im acting like 1. The sad thing is... I dont really wanna stop since I feel like its working. Im at my lowest weight that Ive been at in a while. Im not as repulsed by my body as I used to be. My abs are even coming through! Its nice to see. I know theres so much more improvement to be done though. I want it to be perfect by my standards... + I really dont know what those standards are. However lately Ive been eating... a little. Sunday was my moms birthday dinner. Me, her + my dad went to the Blackington Inn to eat. I hadnt really eaten in like 3 days so I splurged + ate. First I had tons of bread, then stuffed mushrooms, then a Caesar salad, then my chicken parm with angel hair pasta, + then some delicious chocolate cake. Needless to say, it went right through me. I weighed, I think, 2 lbs heavier after I ate all that. Then I did sit-ups that night + ran the next day with Dan. I worked most of it off. Wasnt too bad. Monday on my break I had some fresh fruit + vegetables from the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese. Omg their watermelon + cantaloupe are absolutely delicious! So juicy + mmm... My mouth is watering as I think about it. It was soooo good. I had some mushrooms, carrots + tomatoes too with a little Lite Ranch for salad dressing. It was all so good. Tuesday I had a handful of potato chips + a sip of Vanilla Coke at Dans house + then a banana when I got home. Meh that was fine. + today (last night lol) I ate with Lia. I havent weighed myself since before I ate last night + Im scared to. Im scared what the numbers will say. I havent done my sit-ups yet. I havent gotten to run yet. Right now my dads in the shower so I cant go weigh myself now. Im just scared. *sigh* If the numbers have gone up, its only more motivation to lose, right? But then I feel down again. I remember its only fewer calories to consume + more calories to burn. Then youll be on your road to perfection. Youll succeed. Youll be better. Thats what I wanna be... Better. The best person possible in every way. I know I wont please everyone, but first I wanna please myself. Once I do that, Ill feel comfortable in how I look + feel. + then comes more confidence. I have some, more than a lot of people I think, but I want more. I dont want to be cocky. Ill never be cocky. But I do want my body to look good. Ill do what I can. I will be successful this time. Nothing will hold me back. Oh + Lia + I discovered that my BMI (Body Mass Index) is 22.6. On a chart it says that thats healthy. You can go here to check your own BMI. It says that I am normal. Well I guess thats ok but I know I can do better. Next time I wanna take a body fat percentage thing so Ill know how much fat to lose. Any recommendations for sites (Lia thats more or less a question for you lol)? Anyways my bodys getting better + Im trying to keep it up. Ill keep ya posted still...
Therapy: Today (ie: yesterday, which is Wednesday) I had a therapy appointment. Its my second 1 + I like the lady. Shes really nice. Her name is Dr. Zee. Heh funny name huh? Anyways shes really understanding + stuff. I told her + my mom today that I dont really feel like I need to see her at this point in time, especially once a week. So we made another appointment for next month, just to check up on me + see if my meds are helping me + see if Im healthy... etc. Since I didnt have much to say today regarding school things or whatnot, we basically chit-chatted about friends + my goals for school + what I did/didnt like that was going on in my life. I told her that some of my friends didnt really seem to understand my reason from dropping out (no no Im not meaning only Kelli... not at all). Adam had told me that I wasnt depressed... that I was just lazy. Eric didnt seem too happy. Kelli didnt either. Anyways Dr. Zee said that some people dont really understand depression, especially if theyve never experienced it firsthand or with a family member that is depressed. Her + my mom also mentioned that Tom Cruise had made a hegative comment about Brooke Shields being depressed + that caused a lot of controversy. Anyways Dr. Zee said she wishes depression could be a thing that every person had for a day, just so they could see what it is like. Wow. After I thought about it, I couldnt agree with her more. People always seem to understand something they never used to understand once it happens. So if some of my friends were depressed like me (besides Dan), maybe theyd understand why I wasnt able to finish school or get off the couch or stop just sleeping all day. Itd make more sense. Damn... I really wish that. I wonder what people would think then. Itd be nice to know. Just give that some thought, people. I wanna hear your views...
Chris: Not much here. I just still miss him a lot. Cant seem to get him outta my head. I dont know if I ever will... :-\
Guys: Ive decided that for now, Im not gonna have any committed relationships until I find a guy that I think is really perfect for me, like possible husband material. In the meantime Ill just scout the area, go on dates I guess, see whats out there. I have no doubt in my mind that my dream guy is NOT in North Attleboro, or even in Massachusetts. But Im hoping hes out there somewhere. Hopefully well be able to find each other at some point in time. I would give ya the rundown of the perfect guy in my eyes, but this entry is getting too long as it is. Ill save that for next time. Ill also save a list for what I need + want to do this summer for next time too. Moving on...
Week/Weekend Plans: Today (Thursday) = Going to Six Flags all day with my Leaders Club. Am supposed to "wake up" by 8:30am but I figure Ill just stay up alllll night since its 6:28am right now lol. Friday - Day: Maybe something with Kealer. Running with Dan (since I cancelled yesterday). Evening - Mini golfing + chillin with Derek (havent seen him in sooo long. Yay!) Saturday - Afternoon = I dont know. Evening = 6-close at work. Sunday - Afternoon = I dont know again. Evening = 6-close at work. Hehe not really an eventful weekend. Whatever. At least Ill be makin money... right? K next...
Random Stuff: My Leaders orange bracelet (that Sam Kravitz made... miss her) broke while I was on the computer tonight. The weird thing is I only see 1 orange bead on the floor down here + I cant find all the rest or the string for it. It broke once before but I fixed it. But now I dont know where it is. My wrist feels empty without it. If Im in luck maybe she can make me another 1... I hope. Anything else... I drive really fast I noticed. + then I hate to get behind slow people, especially that actually go the speed limit lol. Going the speed limits SO overrated these days lol. Thats why I LOVE the highway. You have 3 lanes to choose from + usually everyones going a different speed (expect during rush hour when the average speed is like 35 mph). I speed a lot on the highway. + I notice it too cuz it takes me SO much quicker to get to Chuck E. Cheese. Ha yes. Oh + 1 more thing. I realize that I have been told to shorten my entries since they lose attention. Hmm... Well my response to that? I usually do all my typing in 1 sitting so I dont need to keep updating every single day. Not much changes that much in a day that is THAT interesting to read. So if you wanna read it all, go ahead. If you wanna read parts of it, then go ahead. If you wanna read none of it then fine. Im not gonna persuade you to. I mean I know Im an impatient person, but I read EVERY last word of every persons xanga or livejournal entry, even if it doesnt seem that interesting or I cant relate. Its just nice to keep up with people + how they are. Sometimes surveys can be a pain in the ass to read (lol thats RIGHT Colleen hehe), but I even read those. Not because Im bored but because I like to see how people respond. So if you dont wanna reas my entries then dont. Your choice. Its not a very big deal to me what interests you + what doesnt. This is mostly for me to get my feelings out. I like to share my feelings so fine. Anyways my last point is that I NEED a shower right now + should go get ready for my nice long day at 6 Flags! Yay! In the mean time, enjoy yourself + the sucky summer weather (sucky for now... its been raining here). Ill try + update sometime soon enough. ttys* Lata kids!-
love always,
~*Missy*~
ps... I put new User pics + a new background Xanga pic. Like em? I do. Tell me what ya think! Bye! (:
...Why cant you see youre the one that I belong to?...
... And I know things can't last forever.
But there are lessons that you'll never learn.
Oh just the scent of you, it makes me hurt.
So how's it you that makes me better...*