Hm..subject..?
I just got home from hangin out with Justin. Great day, but he woke me up hahaha. I thought I was supposed to call him, he thought he was just supposed to come get me after he dropped his sister off at school. Anyways, we got food and stuff and then went to his house...had fun...and picked Lisa up and then we all made nachos and watched The Omen. WHAT a DISAPPOINTING movie. I felt so cheated. I was really really mad that it was such a waste of time haha. But we all had fun anyways..
I was all happy and stuff. Then like when I got closer to home...as usual... I started getting all depressed. Like... I was thinking about all the bs my family has put me through...and all the bs apart from that. It's just really depressing haha.
And I told Justin...like I'm typing it now...every time I am on my way home...every inch closer that I get to my house...just makes me want to get further away. I hate it, it's the most ominous feeling I know. It's like everything just gets darker the closer I get. It's almost freaky. I know it's just from all of the memories, but I honestly feel like...it's also the place... I really think it has an affect on me somehow. I feel so trapped when I'm here...and so so pathetic...so so hopeless/helpless. This place has some sort of dark cloud surrounding it. Have you ever felt like someone is watching you...staring at you...observiing your every move...waiting to pounce on you...ruin your life if it's not already ruined? I feel like that every time I'm in my room...like there's something outside of my windows...something looking in from the outside. Thinking about what my best weakness is to use against me. Somehow...I don't think I'll ever not feel that way when I'm here...even if I was on the best terms ever with my family and totally content with my life.
.... and then I just think. A home..is supposed to be inviting, welcoming. It's supposed to be a place you want to go to...a refuge. At least my idea of what a home should be is. And I never had that..never will have that. I want it so bad it hurts...I want a family so bad IT HURTS.. I especially ache for a father....a "daddy"... you know the types...the ones that actually love their daughters...will hold them when they cry...and comfort them.. will help them through things...not strike them when they're already down. That kind of father that you want to kiss on the forehead because you love him so much and tell him you love him. *I want to be the daddy's girl I never could be...the ones I read about.* I want that kind of love. I'll never have it...I keep thinking I've accepted it...and then it just hits me...the pain of realizing that I'm empty in that sense. Someday...I'll get over it.
The thought of my dad using the threat of taking away my car keys and driving me to work instead of letting me do it myself if my room isn't 100% perfect at any given time he decides to walk upstairs...is also looming over my head....it's like he still controls me. And the only thing that still ties me here...that still allows it. Is money. I hate it.. I wish it weren't an issue. If money had no weight on why I'm here. I'd be gone so fast they couldn't say good bye...they couldn't even blink. I just...want to be gone. I want to start over...somewhere different...with different people...with everything. I want...what I can't have...and I feel so so so so so so so trapped and I don't know if I will ever break free. I don't know...there's so many I don't knows in my life right now it's kicking my ass haha.
ALRIGHT enough of the emo and depressing journal entry... I'm just going to end this now... I'll keep up to date as much as possible.
BTW I'm going to try to get a different job...one that wont wear me out as much.
I was all happy and stuff. Then like when I got closer to home...as usual... I started getting all depressed. Like... I was thinking about all the bs my family has put me through...and all the bs apart from that. It's just really depressing haha.
And I told Justin...like I'm typing it now...every time I am on my way home...every inch closer that I get to my house...just makes me want to get further away. I hate it, it's the most ominous feeling I know. It's like everything just gets darker the closer I get. It's almost freaky. I know it's just from all of the memories, but I honestly feel like...it's also the place... I really think it has an affect on me somehow. I feel so trapped when I'm here...and so so pathetic...so so hopeless/helpless. This place has some sort of dark cloud surrounding it. Have you ever felt like someone is watching you...staring at you...observiing your every move...waiting to pounce on you...ruin your life if it's not already ruined? I feel like that every time I'm in my room...like there's something outside of my windows...something looking in from the outside. Thinking about what my best weakness is to use against me. Somehow...I don't think I'll ever not feel that way when I'm here...even if I was on the best terms ever with my family and totally content with my life.
.... and then I just think. A home..is supposed to be inviting, welcoming. It's supposed to be a place you want to go to...a refuge. At least my idea of what a home should be is. And I never had that..never will have that. I want it so bad it hurts...I want a family so bad IT HURTS.. I especially ache for a father....a "daddy"... you know the types...the ones that actually love their daughters...will hold them when they cry...and comfort them.. will help them through things...not strike them when they're already down. That kind of father that you want to kiss on the forehead because you love him so much and tell him you love him. *I want to be the daddy's girl I never could be...the ones I read about.* I want that kind of love. I'll never have it...I keep thinking I've accepted it...and then it just hits me...the pain of realizing that I'm empty in that sense. Someday...I'll get over it.
The thought of my dad using the threat of taking away my car keys and driving me to work instead of letting me do it myself if my room isn't 100% perfect at any given time he decides to walk upstairs...is also looming over my head....it's like he still controls me. And the only thing that still ties me here...that still allows it. Is money. I hate it.. I wish it weren't an issue. If money had no weight on why I'm here. I'd be gone so fast they couldn't say good bye...they couldn't even blink. I just...want to be gone. I want to start over...somewhere different...with different people...with everything. I want...what I can't have...and I feel so so so so so so so trapped and I don't know if I will ever break free. I don't know...there's so many I don't knows in my life right now it's kicking my ass haha.
ALRIGHT enough of the emo and depressing journal entry... I'm just going to end this now... I'll keep up to date as much as possible.
BTW I'm going to try to get a different job...one that wont wear me out as much.