(no subject)
I had a nice, long, sobbing blowout at my dad this weekend.
It felt good to get even more of my emotions out, but at the same time, I feel like I'm continually screaming at a deaf-man.
It's so heart-breakingly frustrating.
I'm still not over the divorce 100%, and I really don't like who my father's become.
He's now sarcastic, stingy, hard-hearted, and he's much more distant. I'm still so angry at his behavior. SO angry. Even after three years, I'm still not over this whole thing. I know it's a process, and it will always be an issue I need to meditate on, but it still crushes me.
I spent last night Youtube surfing, which lead me to watch couples telling their parents they're pregnant, which was so beautifully depressing for me. Seeing such loving, happy couples still together, getting the happy news, together, supporting and loving together...I'll never have that with my parents. Weddings, births, holidays...all separate, all going to be uncomfortable. Holidays now are obviously separate, and it can really fucking suck. My dad wouldn't even fly out to CA to watch my sister graduate from vet tech school. He went instead to Florida with Her, where his rental car got broken into when they were at the beach, and had a bunch of stuff stolen. Karma is a bitch.
I really let my dad have a go at it. Some things I've said before, some not. I don't remember everything I said. I love how he is hesitant to help me out of a financial situation, but loves to spend money on going to the Grand Canyon, Wyoming, NYC, Bermuda with his chicky-boo (the affair partner, who is a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE role-model for her girls) and her young kids. He'll be going back to NZed with her in the next few months. I haven't been since I was 7. It burns that he'd rather spend time with her than with me. I feel so replaced, so alone when he does things like this. The Grand Canyon was our family vacation a couple of times when I was little, how shitty is it that he took here there? Very fucking shitty. Sure, he takes us out to dinner, but half the time, She's there. Dinner is nothing compared to a fun, family vacation. He blatantly seems to only want to spend any kind of money on himself and her. What a cozy, warm-n-fuzzy feeling.
Here I am struggling my ass off, and he's so goddamn reluctant to help. And he's sarcastic about it, to boot.
Fuck-fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck.
I'm FUCKING angry. I'm feeling sad, frustrated, alone, abandoned, replaced, disappointed over all this still. Dammit.
It felt good to get even more of my emotions out, but at the same time, I feel like I'm continually screaming at a deaf-man.
It's so heart-breakingly frustrating.
I'm still not over the divorce 100%, and I really don't like who my father's become.
He's now sarcastic, stingy, hard-hearted, and he's much more distant. I'm still so angry at his behavior. SO angry. Even after three years, I'm still not over this whole thing. I know it's a process, and it will always be an issue I need to meditate on, but it still crushes me.
I spent last night Youtube surfing, which lead me to watch couples telling their parents they're pregnant, which was so beautifully depressing for me. Seeing such loving, happy couples still together, getting the happy news, together, supporting and loving together...I'll never have that with my parents. Weddings, births, holidays...all separate, all going to be uncomfortable. Holidays now are obviously separate, and it can really fucking suck. My dad wouldn't even fly out to CA to watch my sister graduate from vet tech school. He went instead to Florida with Her, where his rental car got broken into when they were at the beach, and had a bunch of stuff stolen. Karma is a bitch.
I really let my dad have a go at it. Some things I've said before, some not. I don't remember everything I said. I love how he is hesitant to help me out of a financial situation, but loves to spend money on going to the Grand Canyon, Wyoming, NYC, Bermuda with his chicky-boo (the affair partner, who is a HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE role-model for her girls) and her young kids. He'll be going back to NZed with her in the next few months. I haven't been since I was 7. It burns that he'd rather spend time with her than with me. I feel so replaced, so alone when he does things like this. The Grand Canyon was our family vacation a couple of times when I was little, how shitty is it that he took here there? Very fucking shitty. Sure, he takes us out to dinner, but half the time, She's there. Dinner is nothing compared to a fun, family vacation. He blatantly seems to only want to spend any kind of money on himself and her. What a cozy, warm-n-fuzzy feeling.
Here I am struggling my ass off, and he's so goddamn reluctant to help. And he's sarcastic about it, to boot.
Fuck-fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck.
I'm FUCKING angry. I'm feeling sad, frustrated, alone, abandoned, replaced, disappointed over all this still. Dammit.