i'm crazy for lovin' you...
So it's official: Marshall and I are no more. I mean, I knew it but we actually "talked things over" today. After hours of crying, talking, smoking, crying some more, we settled with our decisions. It was one of those awkward moments where we want to be friends and act like everything's okay but then we say something that causes us to break down and cry in each other's arms all over again. I haven't been able to listen to any slow song by myself without getting teary-eyed. It makes sense, though; he and I both know he couldn't trust me the same way, especially whenever I wanted to go out and drink. Talk about tearing a person up inside; just fuck with someone's head enough and you'll live to regret it. In this instance it was the fact that we both wanted things to work out but we knew it would never be the same. For a minute he suggested we just take a "break" but I think we realized that's probably not possible at this point. Now every time we hang out I'll be afraid to hang out with him in front of anyone else, which makes sense, seeing as not many people break up with someone then hang out with them like, 2 days later as if they've been friends the whole time. It's really a hard position to put your friends in, those poor, innocent bystanders. For now I guess I'll just try to forget about him, but it's so hard. He laid in my bed, bawling uncontrollably and making my sobbing worse for a good 2 hours, frustrated at where his life was going. Here he's been such a good friend to everyone he knows and loves, yet when he asks them for advice they just give him some bullshit answer. I totally remember when I had those sleep-deprived, drunken, I"m-such-a-failure fits and would be really depressed for as long as a week, but I always got over it. I'm very worried, though, for him, just because he thinks so deeply and isn't strong enough to dig himself out of something he'd rather let eat at him forever. I wish I could help but I don't know what to say or do anymore. I want to be friends so badly but I know I can't be selfish and expect him to do things like ravish me with his 8.5-inch twice-pierced cock . (sorry, I know that was too much information for some of you, but size matters to me)
And get this: I heard that Alyson ran into Jason Lee at the DMV and told him something having to do with me and told him to tell Marshall she needed to talk to him before he considered moving in with me. Granted, I have no idea when this could have happened, nor do I have any clue what would possess her to say shit like that. Moreover, I don't know why I'm only hearing about this now, for the first time! I don't know anymore. I've never wanted so much to escape the place I'm in, despite everything I may have going for me. It's all just fucked up.
To make matters even worse, Kevin and I have been getting a lot closer lately. I've kissed him on 2 occasions (<~sp.?) now and yet right when I have an opportunity to do anything with him I withdraw and apologize for nearly ruining our friendship. There has to be a reason we keep coming back to each other, though. He keeps calling and I keep answering, and we continue to hang out all the time and drink together and call each other some more, and it's starting to get ridiculous. You know, that point where all your friends are just like, "oh for the love of God, will you two just hurry up and fuck?!" But I really don't want to hurt him. I love hanging out and being friends and knowing that he'll be there the next day, laying in bed, anxiously awaiting my wake-up call. He's so damn cute, and smart, and fun to be with, I don't know why I suddenly suck at being an available, single girl. I can't be the platonic friend without wanting more. And I thought being in a relationship was hard, try being out of one. who knew?
And get this: I heard that Alyson ran into Jason Lee at the DMV and told him something having to do with me and told him to tell Marshall she needed to talk to him before he considered moving in with me. Granted, I have no idea when this could have happened, nor do I have any clue what would possess her to say shit like that. Moreover, I don't know why I'm only hearing about this now, for the first time! I don't know anymore. I've never wanted so much to escape the place I'm in, despite everything I may have going for me. It's all just fucked up.
To make matters even worse, Kevin and I have been getting a lot closer lately. I've kissed him on 2 occasions (<~sp.?) now and yet right when I have an opportunity to do anything with him I withdraw and apologize for nearly ruining our friendship. There has to be a reason we keep coming back to each other, though. He keeps calling and I keep answering, and we continue to hang out all the time and drink together and call each other some more, and it's starting to get ridiculous. You know, that point where all your friends are just like, "oh for the love of God, will you two just hurry up and fuck?!" But I really don't want to hurt him. I love hanging out and being friends and knowing that he'll be there the next day, laying in bed, anxiously awaiting my wake-up call. He's so damn cute, and smart, and fun to be with, I don't know why I suddenly suck at being an available, single girl. I can't be the platonic friend without wanting more. And I thought being in a relationship was hard, try being out of one. who knew?