Aug 07, 2006 15:22
Last night I was just sitting on the computer, doing nothing as usual, and the random thought of my dad popped into my head. Automatically I ran to my phone and looked at the date, which was the 6th. I had forgotten the three year anniversary of my dad's death which was on the 3rd. I felt like a terrible person, how could I have forgotten something as important as that? I don't even think I did anything thursday besides work that night, which is even worse. So I went in my room and just started crying.. I listened to the message I have saved from him which only made me cry more.. in the message he asks if I would allow him to write me a letter because his head has been "clean" for 3 weeks, and he also speaks of his final aunt who passed away and how it is only him and my other aunt left in the original family.. then after that he says the part that kills me.. "I miss you so much, I can't wait to see you and hold you. I guess that's hard to believe after all I've done." While I listen to that part over and over again all I can think is, I miss YOU so much, I only wish that I could see you and hold you one more time. But that's not possible, I'll never see him again. I'll never be able to hold him and feel his strength and his warmth. So after I got a good cry in I decided to go to sleep. Before I fell asleep I was thinking about that letter that he wanted to send me. I never got a letter and he never mentioned it after that message. As I'm lying there trying to fall asleep a random memory flashes into my head. When my sister was old enough to only want money on Christmas, my dad and I used to make little treasure hunts around the house so she would have to work to find the money. I only remember one time and one place where we hid the money, I don't remember any of the other locations or any other times we did it. My dad used to have that famous "Footprints" picture in a frame hanging on his bedroom wall, and we hid the envelope with the money in it behind the picture, and the clue was something like "where many footprints lie" or something like that because we assumed she would automatically think of the rug. So as soon as this memory popped in my head I started to wonder why, and I thought maybe, just maybe he hid this letter for only me to find. That memory was a special memory between only the two of us, and for that memory to just pop into my head while I was thinking of the letter I never received seems too odd. The only thing is that I don't know if my brother even kept that picture or anything for that matter. The house is so completely different that I don't even get a tiny feeling of sadness when I walk in, it's as if it's a completely different house and my dad and I never had so many memories there. After I thought about this memory and the possibility that my dad had hidden the letter, I fell asleep. While I was sleeping, I had a dream. In the dream, my mom had seen my away message and knew what was going on. I woke up in the dream only to find a letter from my mom that had another letter behind it. My mom's letter was apologizing for keeping the letter for so long, and that she thought I was finally ready to read it. It was the letter my dad had written me. There was also a photo album filled with pictures throughout my life with my dad and things like that. I looked at the photo album before I read the letter, and I woke up before I ever reached that point in the dream. This letter is a complete mystery, and I only wish I could solve it. Maybe that huge hole in my life would be partially filled if I did find it. Maybe he never even wrote it. I don't know. I'm just so messed up and lost and I don't know how to fix it. I thought maybe something like that letter would help make life make a little more sense.