should i tell my husband
that i was thinking of letting go this weekend? that's stupid to do though, because i didn't let go. i suffered in silence like i do. it's just a lot harder than i thought to kick the thoughts that have so persistently been in my head for over a decade. he can understand that because i know he sometimes feels the same way. that's scary and i know how badly i would feel without him here and i understand he would feel the same way. but man, the idea of drifting away and letting go of everything in this world sounds so nice.
i have goals. i would like to be healthy and thin and beautiful. i would like to have a baby or two. i would like to have a more rewarding job where i feel like i am helping people instead of bringing them more bad news. i would like to run a marathon (ha!).
but more than anything i want to stop having to fight my sadness. everyday is a fight to the finish to stay chipper and positive in a world full of rudeness, and arrogance and hate. don't get me wrong-- the actually "world" is wonderful and needs protection and has done nothing wrong to me. it's the people in it i can't stand to be like anymore.
i am guilty too. that's what makes it so hard.
i have goals. i would like to be healthy and thin and beautiful. i would like to have a baby or two. i would like to have a more rewarding job where i feel like i am helping people instead of bringing them more bad news. i would like to run a marathon (ha!).
but more than anything i want to stop having to fight my sadness. everyday is a fight to the finish to stay chipper and positive in a world full of rudeness, and arrogance and hate. don't get me wrong-- the actually "world" is wonderful and needs protection and has done nothing wrong to me. it's the people in it i can't stand to be like anymore.
i am guilty too. that's what makes it so hard.