The district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn out their lights
Everyone I ever think is worth anything turns out to be a waste of everything.
That's pretty much the theme to my life, though in saying it, I'm really drawing upon the last two people I put even the slightest bit of effort into. And even then, only one of them really counts. Because with the last one, I was bad, and I did things I shouldn't have, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I wasn't bothered by the fact that I was untrustworthy and unloyal, I was bothered by the fact that I didn't feel bothered about my unfaithfulness. Weird how my brain works. So I suppose, that in that case, I was sort of trying to sabotage it anyway.
It's hard to write things out when I'm speaking in code, out of some stupid fear of someone having access to my private thoughts. Because this journal is, of course, all about my innerworkings, and my own pretentiousness in thinking people actually want to read it.
Long story short in plain English. The last two boys I put any time or effort into ended up being an absolute waste. When I say that, I really only think it's true of the first one. The most current one, well, I cheated. More than once. And I didn't feel very guilty about it. I felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty. And that sort of worries me. Regardless of whether I felt guilty, that was obviously a way of trying to sabotage the whole thing anyway. So I cheated, and it was fun, and I was waiting and waiting for regret to kick in, but it never did, and to me that means that I never did and never was going to care enough to have any remorse. And if you want to date a train wreck, it's no loss on my part. You go backwards, I go forwards. And if you want to act like a five year old, that's ok too. I have my immature moments but at least I don't stay stuck in them.
The first one...ever since him I've been wishing "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a documentary, not a movie of sheer fantasy. If he could be erased from my memory entirely, I would be a much happier person.
When people tell you from the beginning that they're total whack jobs, you should really take that into consideration, instead of believing that it's wholly part of the image they're trying to create for themselves, and just trying to make you think they're a brooding, crazy in the head James Dean type. He was no James Dean, but crazy-in-the-head more than applied.
Unfortunately for me, if a guy isn't at least mildly insane, I have no interest whatsoever. The more skeletons in the closet, the more attracted I am. It would hardly surprise me if I ended up marrying a man who spends half our marriage in a mental institution.
That's pretty much the theme to my life, though in saying it, I'm really drawing upon the last two people I put even the slightest bit of effort into. And even then, only one of them really counts. Because with the last one, I was bad, and I did things I shouldn't have, and I didn't even feel bad about it. I wasn't bothered by the fact that I was untrustworthy and unloyal, I was bothered by the fact that I didn't feel bothered about my unfaithfulness. Weird how my brain works. So I suppose, that in that case, I was sort of trying to sabotage it anyway.
It's hard to write things out when I'm speaking in code, out of some stupid fear of someone having access to my private thoughts. Because this journal is, of course, all about my innerworkings, and my own pretentiousness in thinking people actually want to read it.
Long story short in plain English. The last two boys I put any time or effort into ended up being an absolute waste. When I say that, I really only think it's true of the first one. The most current one, well, I cheated. More than once. And I didn't feel very guilty about it. I felt guilty that I didn't feel guilty. And that sort of worries me. Regardless of whether I felt guilty, that was obviously a way of trying to sabotage the whole thing anyway. So I cheated, and it was fun, and I was waiting and waiting for regret to kick in, but it never did, and to me that means that I never did and never was going to care enough to have any remorse. And if you want to date a train wreck, it's no loss on my part. You go backwards, I go forwards. And if you want to act like a five year old, that's ok too. I have my immature moments but at least I don't stay stuck in them.
The first one...ever since him I've been wishing "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a documentary, not a movie of sheer fantasy. If he could be erased from my memory entirely, I would be a much happier person.
When people tell you from the beginning that they're total whack jobs, you should really take that into consideration, instead of believing that it's wholly part of the image they're trying to create for themselves, and just trying to make you think they're a brooding, crazy in the head James Dean type. He was no James Dean, but crazy-in-the-head more than applied.
Unfortunately for me, if a guy isn't at least mildly insane, I have no interest whatsoever. The more skeletons in the closet, the more attracted I am. It would hardly surprise me if I ended up marrying a man who spends half our marriage in a mental institution.