Breaking Inside
Since the incident with 10th grade the other day with my co-teacher intervening, I've been so jaded it's not even funny. The classes have been so out of control and I felt like I was losing control...and yet, I didnt care. I really didnt. It was kind of like there was something within me that just stopped being so "passionate" about making sure the students learned.
Well, today, Mariette wanted to talk to me. Again. Oh boy. She told me this after school, so I was like, ok, we can talk. I knew it prolly had something to do with how the last couple of days have been going. So she kicks everyone out of the room, and I'm thinking it's just going to be me and her, when in walks the principal, Mrs. Marko! I'm like, why the hell doesnt she tell me it was going to be like a real meeting meeting with the principal. I just wanna freakin' slap her. Just let me know. So we three sit down. And basically Mrs. Marko expressed to me that Mariette has informed her about how I'm having difficulties with class room management and they both wanted to encourage me. They again threw out the whole "we think u would be great teaching middle school english" bullshit...blah, blah, blah. I smiled and looked pretty through that whole charade. Then Mrs. Marko expressed to me that they dont have a lot---actually, they dont have any---substitute teachers right now. One teacher is going to be on maternity leave because she's been having fainting spells and she's about to give birth. Other teachers have had to go on jury duty, etc. etc. So basically, they were wondering if I would be willing to consider being a substitute teacher---actually, a floating sub teacher---which would mean I would be subbing all different grades depending on who was out on which day. All during this time, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, are they telling me that I wont be teaching high school English anymore?' And yes, that's basically what they were saying. Mariette mentioned how they didnt want any teacher to feel stresssed when dealing with high school, blah, blah. She also said that what worried them about was how alot of the kids in my class were getting low grades and not enough assignments were being given. Whatever. I'm trying my best. Mrs. Marko said that some of my students were complaining to her and Mariette about how they're lost in the class and they dont know what's going in the book, etc. Mind u that I am prolly the biggest reviewer of material in the world, plus, I am always around after school at least an hour after classes end AND I always ask the kids if they understand and if they have any questions. So u know what, the kids that are complaining are prolly the ones who dont do any work and who always wait till the last minute.
They have basically already replaced me for next year with another teacher. She's been doing trial classes with the middle school English classes and now she's going to be coming in the next weeks or so and doing some lessons with high school. Mariette and Mrs. Marko said that she's going to be the high school English teacher next year, so that scratches me out from the picture for high school. So if I were to come back next year, it would not be teaching high school English. They told me how grateful they are with having me here and how much of a blessing I have been in terms of establishing some stability for the kids and relieving some of the staff from English lesson responsibilities and they think I'm doing a great job. I think they're sincere, but u know what? The main point of the meeting was to lean me towards becoming immersed with middle school and being a sub teacher. I wish they would have just told me straight up. I told Mrs. Marko that I'm going to need a little time to think about it, but that I would get back to her. So basically, I'll prolly have high school for another week or so and I'll have a job with middle school and subbing if I choose to waiting in the wings.
Quite frankly, all through the meeting, I had one thought running through my head: Start looking for other jobs, Kanika, right now. I really am getting so jaded about education now. Like, all of this pressure is not even pressure, it's nonsense. I'm trying my best. I think there is so much history with a lot of the kids and the teachers that it's so hard for me to truly break the ice. The year is more that three quarters done and all I'm trying to do is finish this damn year with the kids. SO honestly, I think I am prolly gonna take the sub position for now, look for a full time job, and then quit subbing when I Get a job. Teaching is just really something I dont like. I can honestly say that now. All of the previous education jobs I have had have been building up to this point, and I have come to my breaking point. I'm tired of education related jobs. Honest.