Another loss
How come the answers we want the most in life are the ones that will never come? Throughout our whole lives, our parents have ingrained in our heads - for one trivial reason or another - that life is not fair. But only now, at 22 years old, am I really starting to understand the magnitude of truth this statement holds. I think the biggest question we can ask about life is just simply WHY? Why do things happen the way they do? People like to say that everything happens for a reason, but ya know what? I think that's complete BULLSHIT. And I want to know the real reason WHY. I don't understand... and God, I just want to know why! The really shitty thing though... is that even if I did know why... would it matter? It wouldn't change anything. Not a damn thing.
The last few months - or rather the last year - have been one heartwrenching tragedy after another, and I don't know that I can take any more. Last October, I couldn't have been more elated to find out that I had an older brother out there... and a nephew. But in December, the day after I finally got to meet my brother and his fiance, why the fuck did my happiness have to be RUINED? The very next day! Couldn't I just be allowed to enjoy it for one day without my world coming crashing down in front of my eyes? Losing Frankie was unimaginably horrible - it was the first person I've been close to that I had to deal with losing - but I came through it because I knew that my own brother's life had been spared... I was overwhelmingly grateful for that. But that was the beginning of all of this... the beginning of the giant question that looms in my mind. WHY?
The last few days I've had a sickening sense that death is all around me. It has felt like it has been hitting closer and closer to home each time, and I have had this eerie feeling that it was only a matter of time before something actually would happen to seriously affect ME.
The chain started when Auturo, a grill cook where I work, was killed in a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him very well, but it was still terrible that he had to die. He was only 23. A few weeks, possibly a month later, another man I work with was killed. Only I knew him better because I had worked with him for much longer. And he was murdered. Brutally. Stabbed 5 times on each side of his chest.
So then everyone at work started to think things would be calm for a while... because surely nobody else we knew could die anytime soon... we'd dealt with our share of death recently... to the point that it just wouldn't be fair to have to deal with it again. Well, there's a woman I work with who has 4 children and 2 grandchildren. She's in her late 30's and the type of person you could always depend on to genuinely listen and care if you ever had a problem. Every day after the accident she asked me how Jeremy was doing. She's just a great person all around, the type you wouldn't ever expect something horrible to happen to, because it just wouldn't be fair. Yeah... last week, her youngest son was killed in a car accident. He was only 11. Needless to say, everyone at work has been devasted by this news. We all know that Kim will never be the same... and there is nothing we can do to make her pain go away.
To top everything off, I've been really torn up about the plane crash here in town yesterday. I didn't know anyone who died in the crash, but just the thought of all the people who lost their lives because of a stupid little mistake... and all their families that have to live with that loss for the rest of their lives... it's had me crying almost every time I think about it. It's not fucking fair. 49 people died. Forty-nine. I just think about how it would be if I personally knew 49 people that just died... and just try to fathom all the combined pain those families are feeling. I want to help them so much but there is nothing I can do... I hate that I can't do anything to fix it.
On to the reason I started writing tonight. Those were all the events that led up to right now. The things that made me feel like something was going to happen even closer to home... because every time I thought things wouldn't get worse, they did. It's so so creepy when you have preminitions about things. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I felt something. I went to my mom's house for dinner tonight, like I always do on Mondays, and just as I was about to walk out the door, my mom's cell phone rang. It was Emily, my sister-in-law. Since we found out about Emily, Jason, and his son Connor, my mom and I especially have had an uncontrollable urge to want to get to know them and to be close to them. And it has been really difficult because we're not sure that they feel the same. He never answers or returns my phone calls, and it's really discouraging, but I have refused to give up. He is my brother and I want him to accept me into his life as his sister. I understand that it is just going to take some time because he is having trouble getting used to the idea of a whole new family. But I want so badly to be there for him. The 21 years of our lives that we didn't know each other are holes that I want so desperately to fill in. So since we rarely hear from them, my mom was obviously really excited to see Emily's name on her caller ID. But only a few seconds later, she sank to the floor, holding her head.
My nephew was killed in a car accident. I don't really know any details, but he was only 7 years old. And I never got the chance to meet him. It doesn't feel real yet... it never does at first I guess. Mom's first instinct was to want to drive to Glasgow to be with Jason and Emily... but after we had time to think rationally, we both knew it wasn't a good idea. Jason doesn't see us as his family... we aren't the ones he grew up with. And we wouldn't be any source of comfort to him right now. And that's what I think fucking kills me the most. He's my brother and he just lost his son... and all I want to do is hold him and try to make the pain go away. But I can't. And now I will never get the chance to meet my nephew, and my mom will never get the chance to meet her first grandchild.
I considered the thought that the situation could be worse if we had known him and had the chance to get close to him... that the loss would seem greater. But I don't think so anymore. I think it couldn't possibly be any worse... because now I will never GET TO be close to him. EVER.
I don't understand why things like this have to happen. I know birth and death are just part of life, but WHY do innocent children have to die? I don't fucking understand.
The last few months - or rather the last year - have been one heartwrenching tragedy after another, and I don't know that I can take any more. Last October, I couldn't have been more elated to find out that I had an older brother out there... and a nephew. But in December, the day after I finally got to meet my brother and his fiance, why the fuck did my happiness have to be RUINED? The very next day! Couldn't I just be allowed to enjoy it for one day without my world coming crashing down in front of my eyes? Losing Frankie was unimaginably horrible - it was the first person I've been close to that I had to deal with losing - but I came through it because I knew that my own brother's life had been spared... I was overwhelmingly grateful for that. But that was the beginning of all of this... the beginning of the giant question that looms in my mind. WHY?
The last few days I've had a sickening sense that death is all around me. It has felt like it has been hitting closer and closer to home each time, and I have had this eerie feeling that it was only a matter of time before something actually would happen to seriously affect ME.
The chain started when Auturo, a grill cook where I work, was killed in a motorcycle accident. I didn't know him very well, but it was still terrible that he had to die. He was only 23. A few weeks, possibly a month later, another man I work with was killed. Only I knew him better because I had worked with him for much longer. And he was murdered. Brutally. Stabbed 5 times on each side of his chest.
So then everyone at work started to think things would be calm for a while... because surely nobody else we knew could die anytime soon... we'd dealt with our share of death recently... to the point that it just wouldn't be fair to have to deal with it again. Well, there's a woman I work with who has 4 children and 2 grandchildren. She's in her late 30's and the type of person you could always depend on to genuinely listen and care if you ever had a problem. Every day after the accident she asked me how Jeremy was doing. She's just a great person all around, the type you wouldn't ever expect something horrible to happen to, because it just wouldn't be fair. Yeah... last week, her youngest son was killed in a car accident. He was only 11. Needless to say, everyone at work has been devasted by this news. We all know that Kim will never be the same... and there is nothing we can do to make her pain go away.
To top everything off, I've been really torn up about the plane crash here in town yesterday. I didn't know anyone who died in the crash, but just the thought of all the people who lost their lives because of a stupid little mistake... and all their families that have to live with that loss for the rest of their lives... it's had me crying almost every time I think about it. It's not fucking fair. 49 people died. Forty-nine. I just think about how it would be if I personally knew 49 people that just died... and just try to fathom all the combined pain those families are feeling. I want to help them so much but there is nothing I can do... I hate that I can't do anything to fix it.
On to the reason I started writing tonight. Those were all the events that led up to right now. The things that made me feel like something was going to happen even closer to home... because every time I thought things wouldn't get worse, they did. It's so so creepy when you have preminitions about things. I didn't know what it was going to be, but I felt something. I went to my mom's house for dinner tonight, like I always do on Mondays, and just as I was about to walk out the door, my mom's cell phone rang. It was Emily, my sister-in-law. Since we found out about Emily, Jason, and his son Connor, my mom and I especially have had an uncontrollable urge to want to get to know them and to be close to them. And it has been really difficult because we're not sure that they feel the same. He never answers or returns my phone calls, and it's really discouraging, but I have refused to give up. He is my brother and I want him to accept me into his life as his sister. I understand that it is just going to take some time because he is having trouble getting used to the idea of a whole new family. But I want so badly to be there for him. The 21 years of our lives that we didn't know each other are holes that I want so desperately to fill in. So since we rarely hear from them, my mom was obviously really excited to see Emily's name on her caller ID. But only a few seconds later, she sank to the floor, holding her head.
My nephew was killed in a car accident. I don't really know any details, but he was only 7 years old. And I never got the chance to meet him. It doesn't feel real yet... it never does at first I guess. Mom's first instinct was to want to drive to Glasgow to be with Jason and Emily... but after we had time to think rationally, we both knew it wasn't a good idea. Jason doesn't see us as his family... we aren't the ones he grew up with. And we wouldn't be any source of comfort to him right now. And that's what I think fucking kills me the most. He's my brother and he just lost his son... and all I want to do is hold him and try to make the pain go away. But I can't. And now I will never get the chance to meet my nephew, and my mom will never get the chance to meet her first grandchild.
I considered the thought that the situation could be worse if we had known him and had the chance to get close to him... that the loss would seem greater. But I don't think so anymore. I think it couldn't possibly be any worse... because now I will never GET TO be close to him. EVER.
I don't understand why things like this have to happen. I know birth and death are just part of life, but WHY do innocent children have to die? I don't fucking understand.