Run your fingers through my soul
Title: Run your fingers through my soul
Pairing: Jongin x Kyungsoo
Rating: PG
Word count: 6,5k+
Genre: AU, fantasy, romance, scifi
Length: Oneshot
Warnings: Unbeta-ed
Summary: In a futuristic world where pills are used to suppress emotions, Kyungsoo meets Jongin. Through him, Kyungsoo learns the true definition of love.
Kyungsoo closes his eyes, his hand resting warm in Jongin’s. The grass underneath his body is ticklish and the earth is hard but he hardly pays any attention to it, not with the presence of Jongin right next to him. “What do you feel?” is what Jongin asks him, turning his head slightly sideways so that they’re facing each other. Feel. A word only Jongin used in its old context.
“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo honestly confesses. Ever since he met Jongin, the grip he'd had on the world he used to know had loosened and the world had slipped between the spaces of his fingers. Right now, he didn’t know if he knew anything about this world with its facades at all. “I don’t feel a whole lot to be honest.” His whole life had been like this; feeling nothing special, there were no peaks but also no lows - just a safe neutral middle.
“Don’t you want to feel anything at all?” Jongin asks. Want. Feel. Again, only words that were used in another context Kyungsoo was used to. Want, used in the context of craving, desiring, wishing for something. Used in the context human society used centuries ago when it was still uncivilized, unpredictable and raw with emotions.
“I don’t know,” is what he says once again.
Emotions. Feelings. Kyungsoo knows what the words mean, what the emotions are meant to be. It’s what he has learned since elementary school. Pain, annoyance, jealousy, frustration, misery, anger; emotions associated with negative connotations. Happiness, love, excitement, compassion, enthusiasm, contentment; emotions associated with positive connotations. It’s not that Kyungsoo isn’t able to feel anything at all - it’s just that the things he feels are muted, diluted versions of the raw emotions he has heard about.
Never has he felt pain, anger, jealousy or frustration. The Society wouldn’t allow a human being to experience such useless emotions - after all, what else can come from these feelings than humans attempting to inflict pain on others? In History classes, Kyungsoo has learned about the bloody thread weaving through century after century. From the cruel wars of the Romans to conquer more territory to the bloodshed of the wars of religion to the First World War to the Second World War to the Final War.
The Final War had ended the unnecessary bloodshed of human kind fighting human kind. It had been the most cruel war of all and it had the highest amount of casualties in history. After a decade that must have seemed like centuries of bombing, the risk of a total atomic bomb war increasing day by day, the Peace Accords were finally signed in Manchester.
It had now been two centuries since the Final War; most countries had been declared unlivable due to the high amount of atomic bombs that had been dropped in a close range or due to the newly developed gasses that had been spread. The Final War had made everyone tired - nobody wanted such cruel war ever again.
However, hadn’t that been the mind spirit of the people after the Second World War too? People were uncertain about themselves; even though they knew history, what could they do to prevent history from repeating itself? Soon it was concluded that they should grab the problem by its root and even sooner, it was concluded that this root had been the emotions of people. Craving for power, craving to avenge, anger, lust, need, they were all there. Emotions were what made the masses move, the masses that were unpredictable and irrational. It didn’t take long for intellectuals to come to the conclusion that emotions needed to be toned down in order for a peaceful society to exist.
Kyungsoo sighs as he grabs his bottle with blue pills, swallowing one with the aid of some water. He always had them with him - there was always a bottle at home and he even had a spare bottle in his bag, just in case he’d go outside. They were small pills, required to be taken three times a day.
He can’t remember not taking the pills.
Even as baby and a young child, the pills were just pulverized and mixed into his food. There was a myth that when the society was still uncivilized, infants would often cry but Kyungsoo has never cried and he can’t remember ever seeing anyone cry either. Even before his birth, he got the pills into his blood through the blood of his mother. Even so, he does know that there are some people that aren’t taking their pills as often as they should (or maybe just not at all) but Kyungsoo has heard stories about how uncivilized their society would become once people would stop taking the pills. Therefore, he thinks that people who don’t swallow them like they should are selfish for threatening their society like this.
Kyungsoo has never been tempted to stop taking the pills. Until he met Jongin.
There’s the familiar ring tone of his phone and when Kyungsoo grabs it out of his pocket, there’s the name of Baekhyun written in black letters on his screen. “Hello?” he says, picking up the phone. It’s kind of strange - it hasn’t even been ten minutes since he and Baekhyun parted ways after they had grabbed a drink in a cafe. There was no apparent reason for him to call already.
“Hello? Is this Do Kyungsoo?” the voice on the other side of the line is completely unfamiliar and that brings him off guard.
“Erm... yes. Who is this?”
“I think your friend dropped his phone just now. Are you free to pick it up right now?”
Kyungsoo shrugs, though he knows the man on the other side of the phone won't be able to see him. He was heading home anyway and had no more plans on his schedule. “Yeah sure, where are you?”
He finds the man at the same table he had drunk at with Baekhyun. At least, that's what he thinks. It's a middle aged man with a beer belly, unshaven and really shabby looking. Kyungsoo's eyes are nervously darting from left to right before he carefully approaches the man. He didn't have a good feeling about this but he lived in a protected and civil society and this man actually did have the decency to have called him as soon as possible about the phone - so how much could go wrong? He had always been told not to judge on first impressions so Kyungsoo just clears his throat (there was some nervousness in the back of his head but the pills were doing a good job suppressing the emotion), "Um. I'm sorry to bother you but were you the one who just called me?"
He instantly regrets it. The man lifts his head but his eyes are unfocused and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that this man had not been taking his pills for some time because not only are his eyes an obvious sign but his neglected appearance is too. "Calling you? Are you the angel from the afterlife I begged for? Are you here to free me from these voices inside of my head? Are you?" Kyungsoo had started to inch backwards, blood racing to his head, wishing that his pills wouldn't suppress his fear so his body would create adrenaline and make him flee on irrational thought just like all humans used to do back in the day. Instead, he was drawing a blank and he’d honestly rather have irrational thoughts than none at all.
In the back of his mind, there's a voice asking why the people of this cafe hadn't done their duty and reported this man the moment he had entered. (However, there immediately is another voice telling him that this man might not have been sitting here for long since he had had no drink in front of him and neither had he shown signs that he made it himself comfortable by pulling off his jacket or anything else) (And there's another voice telling him why he hadn't noticed this before he started talking to a total stranger).
"I’m going crazy, stop doing this to me! Save me!" the man raised his voice, his eyes showing nothing but madness and contrary to Kyungsoo slowly inching backwards, the man flew forwards and suddenly there were hands around his throat, squeezing the air out of his wind pipe and Kyungsoo's eyes widen in surprise as he gasps for air, his mouth opening and closing without a sound escaping, almost like a fish on the dry.
His own hands are there too, trying to loosen the iron grip on his throat and in that instant, Kyungsoo finds himself thinking a lot of things. How ironic that he had to die by the hands of some psychopath while there were barely any crazy people left in their society. How stupid it was that even at this moment, there's only the faint presence of panic and fear. How cruel it was that nobody tried to help him fight this man - violence was no longer in their nature because of the pills. How he was too young to die.
Just when Kyungsoo thought he was going to die, black spots and tears clouding his vision, the panicked screams surrounding him growing louder and louder yet followed by no action, just when his eyes started to roll back into his skull, just then...
He was breathing, almost choking because he was taking desperate intakes of air to get the oxygen back into his body and yet coughing because of the squeezing pain in his throat. There are hands helping him back up but Kyungsoo shrugs them off, disgusted by the fact that these people wouldn't lend him a hand in the moment that had mattered but were quick to lend a hand now that they weren't endangered of tainting them with blood.
"Let's get out of here, fast," this time, the voice is familiar, and a hand closes around his before Kyungsoo gets tugged out of the cafe that suddenly seemed so crowded with spectators. His vision is still swimming with black dots and he's scared he'll faint but once the cool air from outside hits him, breathing becomes easier.
They're running for at least a few metres before Kyungsoo stops the stranger dragging him along. "Stop! Let's... take a break..." he pants, his body in so much pain he just doubles over, one hand on his hip while the other is around his throat. He closes his eyes, still coughing and rubbing his sore throat with his hand.
"Sorry, I was scared I'd get caught too," the man says, eyes apologetic as he looks at the doubled over figure, "They had called the Hunters from the very beginning that man set foot in the cafe and it wouldn't be long before they'd arrive. Too long for you to be able to survive, though."
"...thank... you," Kyungsoo says, his eyes meeting the man's. It's the first time he actually sees the man and to his surprise, the man is incredibly handsome and not only that, but also around his age. Definitely unexpected but not necessarily unpleasant.
"Sorry," the man apologizes once again, "I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted to give you your friend's phone." He rumbles in his bag before a small white phone appears, handing it over to Kyungsoo.
"Of course. If anything, I should be thankful for your presence," Kyungsoo says, finally straightening his back now that the physical pain has numbed, "I would have been dead had you not been there-" Kyungsoo ignores the man saying not necessarily, you could not have been there at all, "- Can I at least know the name of my savior?"
The man eyes him suspiciously, "And you're not a Hunter or working with the Hunters?"
It takes Kyungsoo a moment before he finally realizes. Of course. The man before him had not made a secret out of it but only now did the truth dawn upon him - the man was one of them, one of the people who didn't take their pills. Of course not, it would have been hard to hide this fact in the first place, taking in the fact that the man had used violence. No wonder he had started to run away for the Hunters and no wonder that these eyes bore so much more depth and mystery than Kyungsoo had ever seen in his life.
"You contacted me first. Besides, I would rather die than sell my savior out," Kyungsoo said, "Trust me."
And for some reason, may it be the determination in Kyungsoo's eyes or something else, the man did. His shoulders relaxed and he smiled a little before reaching out his hand, “Kim Jongin.”
"Do Kyungsoo," he responds, reaching out his own hand to shake the hand of the other, "But I think you knew that already. Also, don't tell me you're planning to go home early tonight, you had to leave in such a rush at the cafe and the least I can do for saving my life is pay some drinks for you on behalf of my friend and myself."
Kyungsoo doesn’t know what had gotten into him that night; after meeting someone who disobeyed the law, someone who was considered a threat to the established society, he should have run away as soon as possible. But that’s not how Kyungsoo worked; he wanted to repay this friendly stranger who not only was kindhearted enough to bring back the phone of his friend but who also saved his own life when nobody else dared to. Maybe the temporary lack of oxygen had caused some brain damage but Kyungsoo was stubborn enough not to judge on one point alone. Society had taught him not to judge a book on its cover and he certainly wasn’t going to judge Jongin just because of his refusal to take pills.
That had not been the first time Kyungsoo met someone who didn't take the pills. Though it was a rare situation, when he had moved out of his parental house, he had happened to live next to someone who had refused to take his pills. However, the situation of his neighbour had been entirely different from the situation of the man who had tried to strangle him.
When Kyungsoo first met Chanyeol, he had been working in his garden; he always had had green fingers and he loved to create life with his own hands. It had been then that a face had peeked over the hedge and a low voice had startled Kyungsoo from his concentration, “Hi there, have you just moved in?” When Kyungsoo turns around to face the man, he sees a handsome young man smiling at him.
"Yes, I'm Do Kyungsoo, it’s nice to meet you," he says, laughing to shrug off the fact he had been startled. The sound of his laughter is empty and the smile doesn’t reach his eyes but then again - whose laughter actually does in this era?
That question was soon answered. "I'm Park Chanyeol," the man says and there's something about his unusually bright and twinkly eyes that has Kyungsoo start to suspect something, "I'm sorry if I caught you off guard."
And while there is absolutely nothing funny about these words, Chanyeol laughs either way and it's kind of a hysterical laugh, the way he starts clapping like a seal and the way his face scrunches up with one eye twisting... but it's highly contagious and Kyungsoo smiles a bit too even though his system tells him this is more of a polite smile than anything else.
From his loud and unusual behaviour, it had instantly become clear that Chanyeol didn’t fit into society like everyone did. As a good citizen, Kyungsoo should have had reported him to the Hunters. People with genuine feelings were a danger to society because they were unpredictable and irrational and Kyungsoo wanted to contribute to the safety of his society just like any other citizen. However, there was something stopping him from reporting this seemingly friendly guy.
Kyungsoo doesn't get too close with Chanyeol, something in the back of his head telling him his involvement might endanger him, but he likes the guy. Chanyeol is quite friendly and it seems as if their occasional small chats aren’t pure politeness from his side since he appears to be quite interested and his behaviour is so different from the society Kyungsoo has experienced his whole life.
The man is nice and he can't imagine him ever being a threat to society so Kyungsoo chooses to just feign ignorance.
After having lived for over six months next to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo awakens one day to the sound of screaming. When he sleepily peaks out of his window, scratching his head and squinting his eyes against the bright light, he sees a man struggle against the grip of three other men. It takes Kyungsoo a moment to realize it's Chanyeol, his caramel dyed hair standing out starkly against the raven haired guys. He doesn't do anything to help prevent the guy from being entrained to a dark van - instead, he just watches how the body is thrown inside, how the door is closed and how the van drives away.
After three days of silence with no Chanyeol greeting him happily when he's working in the garden, Kyungsoo is relieved to see his neighbour’s face above the hedge again. "Chanyeol-sshi," he says, smiling a little towards the man. He's strangely relieved to see that the man is still intact and more importantly, alive, with no visible signs of violence. Then again, his society wasn't one for violence anyway. "It's good to see you again."
"It's nice to see you too, Kyungsoo-sshi," Chanyeol turns around to face his neighbour and the smile instantly drops from Kyungsoo's face because - it's there. The same empty look everyone had in society, the same polite smile that never reached their eyes. On Chanyeol’s face wasn't the funny smile that Kyungsoo was used to, the bright smile that scrunched up his handsome features and made his eye twitch. It was a composed smile that let Chanyeol's handsome features intact and made the man appear composed, cold even. "I'm sorry for the rush, I still have some places to attend to. Let's have a chat later, okay? At least, if your schedule allows it."
Kyungsoo gives him a polite nod, "Of course. Then, have a nice day."
"You too," Chanyeol nods back before opening the gate in his backyard and leaving.
The next time Kyungsoo sees Chanyeol, his hair is dyed back to black. There’s no longer the sound of happy laughter escaping from Chanyeol’s mouth and neither is there time for random chats - there’s just a man who has succeeded in blending in completely with the rest of society. Kyungsoo didn't feel extremely bugged by it (just like the few emotions he felt were nothing but extreme) and the days of initial silence after Chanyeol's departure became normality. After a while, Kyungsoo couldn't be bothered by it anymore either.
“Are you never afraid you’ll get caught?” Kyungsoo asks one day, his eyes curious as they lay upon Jongin’s slightly amused face. They’re eating dinner at his home, Jongin having insisted he absolutely had no power to go outside and just wanted to laze around and enjoy Kyungsoo’s cooking skills, so after a lot of begging and greasy compliments, the older man had given in. “Wouldn’t life be easier if you just took your pills, wouldn’t you be less paranoid?”
Jongin laughs but it’s a humorless laugh and it is scary how it resembles most of the laughter in society. “Of course it would be easier - but I’m not going to hide myself under a robotic mask. I don’t want to live like that; I have lived like that until I was sixteen and after experiencing real feelings, I don’t want to go back to the indifference I’ve always felt. I’m always afraid that I’ll get caught but do you know what I think? It’s worth taking the risk. When I stopped taking the pills, I suddenly felt alive. Emotions make me appreciate certain things of life better... I don’t know what to compare it with?”
He thinks for a second, taking a bite of his dinner, before he continues, “I think it’s similar to having a bad vision. That’s how it is. When you’re taking the pills, your vision is clouded and bad and you can only trace the vague outlines of life. If you didn’t know any better, you’d be pretty contempt with life, right? You’d think everyone would see the things the same way you do. However, from the moment I stopped taking the pills, it was as if I got glasses or lenses. There was so much more to the world than these vague outlines and I could finally see everything so clearly, feel everything with so much more intensity. Once you’ve got to see what the world really is like, you can’t just return to the muddy and diluted version you’d always known, right? I don’t know, I just... want to feel. Nobody knows what will happen to you once the Hunters get to you but I think it’s worth it - because I’d rather live a short life with everything life has got to offer than that I’d live a long life, knowing what I could’ve experienced had I showed more courage.”
Kyungsoo is silent, his eyes fixated on his plate as he eats. “I know what happens... I mean, to the people who fall into the hands of the Hunters,” he says, a bit hesitant yet at the same time knowing Jongin would die to hear this. “I don’t know if it’s always like this... but my neighbour used to feel real emotions too. I don’t know how the Society discovered but one day, they took him away. He disappeared for three days and when he showed up, his gleaming eyes had turned dull and he was the same like everyone. I don’t know what they did to him neither do I know if his case was an exception - he was a very nice guy who bothered no one and had no aggressive tendencies, so maybe the Society just let him go after using a method onto him that forced him to take his pills. Maybe they traumatized him enough there that he just takes them voluntarily now, I wouldn’t know.”
Jongin shrugs, “I’ve heard several stories, one bloodier than the other, but it seems to depend on your family line and how you’ve behaved in society in the past. I don’t know, maybe they just do it randomly. Either way, I don’t care; for me, not being able to feel anything is the same as not living. And I’d rather live a short life than not having lived at all.”
Kyungsoo is silent, hesitating a bit, his eyes still dropped onto his plate while he bites his lip, before he says, “Then why do you like me? Why are you with me? Don’t you think I’m the same as the others?” He instantly drops his eyes to his plate, his cheeks flushing as he takes a huge bite to shut himself up for the coming few seconds. Or maybe just suffocate in it, that would be great too.
The other man seems to be caught off guard and it takes a moment for him to recover but then he’s laughing, “You don’t know? Of course I’m with you for your cooking skills.” However, then his eyes turn serious and he answers, “I don’t know. It sounds kind of lame but... you’re different? I mean, at first I just wanted to return that phone to your friend. And I couldn’t just let you die either, could I? As much as society keeps saying that we’re threats for the world, I think it’s even more threatening when someone is being strangled in front of so many people and no single person has the guts to help. I was a bit suspicious of you, though, the way my true identity was exposed - normally, I don’t have much trouble blending in with the rest, mind you - and the way you kept clinging onto me-” I was not clinging onto you! Kyungsoo protests, “-but I trusted you. It’s just... a feeling, you know?” Jongin laughs. “You were the first person I dared to trust in a long time. Having a friend feels good. Same goes for you though - why did you hang out with someone that should be reported to the Hunters immediately? Aren’t you afraid you’ll get into trouble with this?”
Kyungsoo shrugs, trying to hide his embarrassment by taking another bite of his food. It takes a moment to clear his mouth but with Jongin’s expectant eyes watching him, he has no other choice than to answer. “I don’t know. I’d known someone with real feelings before meeting you and he had been quite innocent and maybe even fun to talk to. I just felt it would be too much to just let you go like that, I mean, after you saved my life and stuff. I’m not that superficial,” Kyungsoo adds, a slight frown between his eyebrows, “I know when to recognize a good person.”
Jongin chuckles. “Well, thank you, I take that as a compliment.”
“But... I’m wondering about one more thing...” the older man says, “You said you took the pills until your sixteenth... but why did you suddenly stop taking them? I mean, you certainly couldn’t have known that it would have been worth the risk.”
Jongin shrugs, “I was stupid back then. My friend challenged me. It was a bet. He dared me not to take the pills for one single week. I thought it couldn’t hurt anyone so I agreed on condition he would stop chasing the girl I liked back then. We both agreed. It turned out a little bit different than we all had expected - the emotions that came crashing upon me were unexpected, I felt them to the inner core of my body and I wanted them to stop. At least, until happiness came. And then love came. And I was just crashing onto this unknown world full of emotions and it could be terrifying, it could be so bad I just wanted to die... but it could also be glorious, so wonderful I felt like flying.
Of course I won the bet. I was too stubborn. He gave up on the girl but in return, the girl wanted nothing to do with me anymore simply because of the fact I wasn’t following the law because by then, I had stopped taking the pills altogether. I wasn’t that good at keeping up a facade like I am now but they didn’t betray me and I’m still grateful for that.”
“Oh wow,” Kyungsoo says, finishing his dinner, “That’s quite a foolish story if I were to be honest. Who actually risks his life for a bet?”
However, maybe he was the biggest fool of them all because when he grabs his bottle with pills, there’s a hesitant look in his eyes and Jongin’s eyes are having a mischievous gleam into them when he says, “You want to try it out? Just do it for a week, please please please,” and Kyungsoo knows how it ended with the younger man when he did it for a week but Jongin begs some more, “Just so you know how I’m feeling all the time. Don’t you want to love genuinely too?”, and he’s so offended by the implication that he isn’t truly in love with the man right now that he demonstratively places the bottle of pills away.
He laughs nervously but Jongin is there, arms wrapped around him, leaving a trail of fluttering kisses on the skin of his face and Kyungsoo thinks it’s just for a week.
It’s easier said than done though. When Kyungsoo wakes up the next morning, he feels strangely uneasy but it’s not until the end of the first day that the pills are almost completely out of his system. The first time he feels sadness comes unexpectedly. He's sitting on the couch, watching TV, when a sudden sadness hits him out of nowhere. There's a sharp pain in his chest and Kyungsoo's breathing hitches, his hand reaching out to fist the fabric of his shirt near his heart.
With shaky inhales of air, he tries to calm himself but unexpected waves of pain are going through his body, starting strongly somewhere in his lower abdomen, going through his body until they end up crashing into his chest, like waves on the sea shore. Kyungsoo can't remember feeling anything so deep, so raw, so real before.
He's just trembling uncontrollably, his eyes prickling until moist trickles down his cheeks. Small, pained noises escape from his lips and he honestly just wants to break his promise, run to the bathroom and down a handful of pills to make this horrible feeling stop.
Instead, Kyungsoo tries to make himself as small as possible, hugging himself tightly with his own arms, his hands digging small crescents into his skin as he tries to distract himself from the ripping waves of pain in his body.
He has no idea how long it takes for Jongin to return from the supermarket but when he does, it takes him only one step into their house to sense that something is wrong. Kyungsoo can’t still his muffled sobs and through a tear blurred vision, there's the outline of Jongin's worried face and he tries to smile but he can't, instead starting to sob harder as he throws his arms around the man, burying his face wet with tears into Jongin's shoulder.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jongin's low voice is right next to Kyungsoo's ear. He wraps his arms protectively around the sobbing man - almost cradling him - before his hands start rubbing circles on his back soothingly. Kyungsoo doesn't give an answer, just cries into the arms of the man he trusts the most in the world, just cries until the ripping waves of pain crashing into his body finally subdues.
"This feeling is awful," he later says, his eyes still puffy and red, "What's the point of feeling when all you can feel is a wrecking pain that destroys you from the inside out?"
"The peaks make the lows worth it," is all Jongin says.
However, after the first low, there comes another low. The first time Kyungsoo experiences anger is solely because of himself. There's no particular reason for it but he's frustrated and disappointed with himself, a kind of emotion he has never felt to this extent. It comes crashing down on him and before he knows it, he's grabbing fistfuls of his own hair, yanking, but ending up even more frustrated because of how fast the short hair escapes between his fingers.
"Don't stop me!" he yells when Jongin comes closer with arms outstretched in front of him, palms facing up to show that he means no harm. "Don't come closer!"
In the end, Jongin does, his eyes soft when he gently untangles Kyungsoo's fingers from the strands of hair. Kyungsoo lets out a scream of agony, helpless tears fighting their way down his cheeks as he balls his hands into fists to beat Jongin's chest in frustration, shrieking for him to let him go, to just let him be, to just...
Jongin endures the hits without a sound and that makes Kyungsoo self despise even grow. Maybe the younger man was able to control his emotions well but Kyungsoo honestly failed miserably. Not only had he started to use violence himself, he also used it against one of the people he loved dearest. His continuing hits bear no more power when this cold realization dawns upon him and when Jongin's hands wrap around his wrists, a sad look in his eyes, Kyungsoo has no more energy left in his body.
His hands, still balled into fists, rest on Jongin's chest and he doesn't dare to look him in the eyes, too ashamed of himself. When the grip on his wrists loosen, hands reaching out to wipe away the tears on his cheeks, something breaks inside of Kyungsoo and the tears start to flow even faster, falling like raindrops during a storm.
"How do you do this? These emotions are terrible, horrible, unpredictable and so much stronger than I'd expected. Why would you want to feel this? It's awful!" Kyungsoo’s voice cracks. He just wants to forget, wants to bury his face into Jongin’s chest and sleep until a better day comes.
"I'm used to them... I know how to deal with them," Jongin says, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo's shaking body. His body heat is comforting and Kyungsoo sighs, giving up his feeble attempt to understand the man who seems to live in a whole other world than he is used to. Walking this bridge between two different worlds might be the hardest thing he has ever done, this feeling of being tossed from one side to the other.
It might be a product of Kyungsoo's own imagination but with his face buried into Jongin’s chest, he swears he hears whispered sounds between the heartbeats, words falling into those small silences between every beat, "Besides, feeling something is always better than feeling nothing at all."
(Later that day when Kyungsoo’s tears have run dry and he feels so tired that he’s barely able to keep his eyes open, there’s Jongin, stroking his hair out of his eyes and humming a slow and foreign melody. “What are you doing?” Kyungsoo asks sleepily. Never before has he heard the composition of music notes strung together, creating a perfect harmony with each other and the experience of hearing something that might resemble what they called music back in the days peaks his curiosity.
“Singing,” Jongin answers simply, “My grandfather used to sing this to me when I couldn’t fall asleep... but it’s been such a long time, I can’t exactly remember most of the words. My mother didn’t allow me to sing; singing in a world without music might be understood as showing signs of rebellion. I obeyed back then but I don’t care anymore now... such forms of art should be appreciated and not suppressed.”
“Teach me,” is what Kyungsoo had demanded.
Later that night, their voices blended together. Never had Kyungsoo realized that a voice could truly convey the expressions of a soul until that night.)
On the third day since Kyungsoo stopped taking his pills, he experiences happiness. It’s a pleasant feeling that warms up his body and in no way possible does it resemble the weak spark he had initially thought to be happiness. This was a big bonfire that was able to radiate warmth to even the furthest parts of his body; from the top of his head to his toes. It’s a fleeting feeling that pulls up the upper corners of his lips and makes his smile reach his eyes.
The sound of carefree laughter escapes from his lips as he nuzzles his nose in Jongin's neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne. Jongin laughs before he starts kissing him, leaving a trail of small fluttering kisses on the skin behind his ear, small fluttering kisses that seem familiar to the fluttering feeling in Kyungsoo’s stomach. Jongin's lips brush his ear before he says, "See? Feelings aren't that bad, right?"
Kyungsoo smiles, his eyes turning into crescents, as he answers, "No. I think I could get used to this."
And when his lips crush onto Jongin’s, he forgets about everything. There is just the two of them, his hand resting on Jongin’s tousled hair, the warmth of Jongin’s tongue moving against his and Kyungsoo clings onto this feeling of burning desire with all his might. They kiss until they’re both breathless, cheeks flushed and small pants escaping from their lips.
Not only does he learn about happiness that day, he also learns about love.
“I love you,” Kyungsoo says, before he crushes their lips together again, a needy moan escaping from somewhere deep inside his throat. He understands now. He understands what Jongin had meant when he had said Kyungsoo didn’t know what it was to love like this. To love so desperately that it hurt just to think about separating. To love so deeply he wants to hold Jongin close to his heart, to match the rhythm of his heartbeat with Jongin’s so that it’d at least feel that they’d be one entity even though they were two. To love someone like he has never loved before.
“I love you too,” Jongin says when they’re both pausing to catch their breaths.
From then on, everything becomes a blur, their hands touching each other while their mouths mold needily together. The sensation of their fingertips touching each others skin sends shivers down Kyungsoo’s spine and he tries to suppress a moan but he can’t and suddenly their clothes are on the ground and Jongin is all over him, his hand trailing teasingly down his chest to his abdomen to even lower and Kyungsoo gasps when he feels fingers curl around his member.
They fall together on Kyungsoo’s bed - God knows how they even made their way there with this hazy state of mind - and nothing matters anymore except for the way Jongin touches his body, the way he presses gentle kisses on his skin and the way he kisses him fiercely and needy, leaving him gasping for more air. The way he thrusts into his body until everything becomes one fine mess of limbs and lust.
Later that night, when the mist in his head clears up and they’re lying next to each other, their chests heaving with the need for air, Kyungsoo lies his face on Jongin’s chest and closes his eyes. In this moment of the dark night, there’s nothing he’s worried about. It doesn’t matter that everything could just end with a single slip up, with the faintest sign of emotions in their eyes, it doesn’t matter that everything could end for them if the Hunters got to them. The only thing that matters is Jongin, the sound of his steady heartbeats, the warmth of his body and the way he holds him close.
“I could get used to this,” Kyungsoo whispers softly with his eyes closed. Happiness. Love. He understands now, understands what Jongin had been trying to explain to him all this time.
Everything could end tomorrow. Everything could end in a year, in two years, maybe even in ten years if they were lucky. His future was now filled with uncertainties but it was worth taking the risk. He’d rather experience every single thing life has got to offer to the fullest than looking back in his dying moments, knowing what he could have experienced if he would have had a little bit more courage.
“That’s good,” Jongin smiles, “Because in no way I’m thinking of letting you take those pills ever again.”
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A/N: Oh wow, first fic in a long time and also my first EXO fic ^^;; I'm still dealing with my writer's block (you really don't know how many fics I've actually attempted to write and then just let it die down) and I even wanted to drop this fic when I was halfway.
The title is from a quote I found on the internet, “Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”, and I thought it kind of fit the story. :>
Pairing: Jongin x Kyungsoo
Rating: PG
Word count: 6,5k+
Genre: AU, fantasy, romance, scifi
Length: Oneshot
Warnings: Unbeta-ed
Summary: In a futuristic world where pills are used to suppress emotions, Kyungsoo meets Jongin. Through him, Kyungsoo learns the true definition of love.
Kyungsoo closes his eyes, his hand resting warm in Jongin’s. The grass underneath his body is ticklish and the earth is hard but he hardly pays any attention to it, not with the presence of Jongin right next to him. “What do you feel?” is what Jongin asks him, turning his head slightly sideways so that they’re facing each other. Feel. A word only Jongin used in its old context.
“I don’t know,” Kyungsoo honestly confesses. Ever since he met Jongin, the grip he'd had on the world he used to know had loosened and the world had slipped between the spaces of his fingers. Right now, he didn’t know if he knew anything about this world with its facades at all. “I don’t feel a whole lot to be honest.” His whole life had been like this; feeling nothing special, there were no peaks but also no lows - just a safe neutral middle.
“Don’t you want to feel anything at all?” Jongin asks. Want. Feel. Again, only words that were used in another context Kyungsoo was used to. Want, used in the context of craving, desiring, wishing for something. Used in the context human society used centuries ago when it was still uncivilized, unpredictable and raw with emotions.
“I don’t know,” is what he says once again.
Emotions. Feelings. Kyungsoo knows what the words mean, what the emotions are meant to be. It’s what he has learned since elementary school. Pain, annoyance, jealousy, frustration, misery, anger; emotions associated with negative connotations. Happiness, love, excitement, compassion, enthusiasm, contentment; emotions associated with positive connotations. It’s not that Kyungsoo isn’t able to feel anything at all - it’s just that the things he feels are muted, diluted versions of the raw emotions he has heard about.
Never has he felt pain, anger, jealousy or frustration. The Society wouldn’t allow a human being to experience such useless emotions - after all, what else can come from these feelings than humans attempting to inflict pain on others? In History classes, Kyungsoo has learned about the bloody thread weaving through century after century. From the cruel wars of the Romans to conquer more territory to the bloodshed of the wars of religion to the First World War to the Second World War to the Final War.
The Final War had ended the unnecessary bloodshed of human kind fighting human kind. It had been the most cruel war of all and it had the highest amount of casualties in history. After a decade that must have seemed like centuries of bombing, the risk of a total atomic bomb war increasing day by day, the Peace Accords were finally signed in Manchester.
It had now been two centuries since the Final War; most countries had been declared unlivable due to the high amount of atomic bombs that had been dropped in a close range or due to the newly developed gasses that had been spread. The Final War had made everyone tired - nobody wanted such cruel war ever again.
However, hadn’t that been the mind spirit of the people after the Second World War too? People were uncertain about themselves; even though they knew history, what could they do to prevent history from repeating itself? Soon it was concluded that they should grab the problem by its root and even sooner, it was concluded that this root had been the emotions of people. Craving for power, craving to avenge, anger, lust, need, they were all there. Emotions were what made the masses move, the masses that were unpredictable and irrational. It didn’t take long for intellectuals to come to the conclusion that emotions needed to be toned down in order for a peaceful society to exist.
Kyungsoo sighs as he grabs his bottle with blue pills, swallowing one with the aid of some water. He always had them with him - there was always a bottle at home and he even had a spare bottle in his bag, just in case he’d go outside. They were small pills, required to be taken three times a day.
He can’t remember not taking the pills.
Even as baby and a young child, the pills were just pulverized and mixed into his food. There was a myth that when the society was still uncivilized, infants would often cry but Kyungsoo has never cried and he can’t remember ever seeing anyone cry either. Even before his birth, he got the pills into his blood through the blood of his mother. Even so, he does know that there are some people that aren’t taking their pills as often as they should (or maybe just not at all) but Kyungsoo has heard stories about how uncivilized their society would become once people would stop taking the pills. Therefore, he thinks that people who don’t swallow them like they should are selfish for threatening their society like this.
Kyungsoo has never been tempted to stop taking the pills. Until he met Jongin.
There’s the familiar ring tone of his phone and when Kyungsoo grabs it out of his pocket, there’s the name of Baekhyun written in black letters on his screen. “Hello?” he says, picking up the phone. It’s kind of strange - it hasn’t even been ten minutes since he and Baekhyun parted ways after they had grabbed a drink in a cafe. There was no apparent reason for him to call already.
“Hello? Is this Do Kyungsoo?” the voice on the other side of the line is completely unfamiliar and that brings him off guard.
“Erm... yes. Who is this?”
“I think your friend dropped his phone just now. Are you free to pick it up right now?”
Kyungsoo shrugs, though he knows the man on the other side of the phone won't be able to see him. He was heading home anyway and had no more plans on his schedule. “Yeah sure, where are you?”
He finds the man at the same table he had drunk at with Baekhyun. At least, that's what he thinks. It's a middle aged man with a beer belly, unshaven and really shabby looking. Kyungsoo's eyes are nervously darting from left to right before he carefully approaches the man. He didn't have a good feeling about this but he lived in a protected and civil society and this man actually did have the decency to have called him as soon as possible about the phone - so how much could go wrong? He had always been told not to judge on first impressions so Kyungsoo just clears his throat (there was some nervousness in the back of his head but the pills were doing a good job suppressing the emotion), "Um. I'm sorry to bother you but were you the one who just called me?"
He instantly regrets it. The man lifts his head but his eyes are unfocused and it doesn’t take a genius to realize that this man had not been taking his pills for some time because not only are his eyes an obvious sign but his neglected appearance is too. "Calling you? Are you the angel from the afterlife I begged for? Are you here to free me from these voices inside of my head? Are you?" Kyungsoo had started to inch backwards, blood racing to his head, wishing that his pills wouldn't suppress his fear so his body would create adrenaline and make him flee on irrational thought just like all humans used to do back in the day. Instead, he was drawing a blank and he’d honestly rather have irrational thoughts than none at all.
In the back of his mind, there's a voice asking why the people of this cafe hadn't done their duty and reported this man the moment he had entered. (However, there immediately is another voice telling him that this man might not have been sitting here for long since he had had no drink in front of him and neither had he shown signs that he made it himself comfortable by pulling off his jacket or anything else) (And there's another voice telling him why he hadn't noticed this before he started talking to a total stranger).
"I’m going crazy, stop doing this to me! Save me!" the man raised his voice, his eyes showing nothing but madness and contrary to Kyungsoo slowly inching backwards, the man flew forwards and suddenly there were hands around his throat, squeezing the air out of his wind pipe and Kyungsoo's eyes widen in surprise as he gasps for air, his mouth opening and closing without a sound escaping, almost like a fish on the dry.
His own hands are there too, trying to loosen the iron grip on his throat and in that instant, Kyungsoo finds himself thinking a lot of things. How ironic that he had to die by the hands of some psychopath while there were barely any crazy people left in their society. How stupid it was that even at this moment, there's only the faint presence of panic and fear. How cruel it was that nobody tried to help him fight this man - violence was no longer in their nature because of the pills. How he was too young to die.
Just when Kyungsoo thought he was going to die, black spots and tears clouding his vision, the panicked screams surrounding him growing louder and louder yet followed by no action, just when his eyes started to roll back into his skull, just then...
He was breathing, almost choking because he was taking desperate intakes of air to get the oxygen back into his body and yet coughing because of the squeezing pain in his throat. There are hands helping him back up but Kyungsoo shrugs them off, disgusted by the fact that these people wouldn't lend him a hand in the moment that had mattered but were quick to lend a hand now that they weren't endangered of tainting them with blood.
"Let's get out of here, fast," this time, the voice is familiar, and a hand closes around his before Kyungsoo gets tugged out of the cafe that suddenly seemed so crowded with spectators. His vision is still swimming with black dots and he's scared he'll faint but once the cool air from outside hits him, breathing becomes easier.
They're running for at least a few metres before Kyungsoo stops the stranger dragging him along. "Stop! Let's... take a break..." he pants, his body in so much pain he just doubles over, one hand on his hip while the other is around his throat. He closes his eyes, still coughing and rubbing his sore throat with his hand.
"Sorry, I was scared I'd get caught too," the man says, eyes apologetic as he looks at the doubled over figure, "They had called the Hunters from the very beginning that man set foot in the cafe and it wouldn't be long before they'd arrive. Too long for you to be able to survive, though."
"...thank... you," Kyungsoo says, his eyes meeting the man's. It's the first time he actually sees the man and to his surprise, the man is incredibly handsome and not only that, but also around his age. Definitely unexpected but not necessarily unpleasant.
"Sorry," the man apologizes once again, "I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted to give you your friend's phone." He rumbles in his bag before a small white phone appears, handing it over to Kyungsoo.
"Of course. If anything, I should be thankful for your presence," Kyungsoo says, finally straightening his back now that the physical pain has numbed, "I would have been dead had you not been there-" Kyungsoo ignores the man saying not necessarily, you could not have been there at all, "- Can I at least know the name of my savior?"
The man eyes him suspiciously, "And you're not a Hunter or working with the Hunters?"
It takes Kyungsoo a moment before he finally realizes. Of course. The man before him had not made a secret out of it but only now did the truth dawn upon him - the man was one of them, one of the people who didn't take their pills. Of course not, it would have been hard to hide this fact in the first place, taking in the fact that the man had used violence. No wonder he had started to run away for the Hunters and no wonder that these eyes bore so much more depth and mystery than Kyungsoo had ever seen in his life.
"You contacted me first. Besides, I would rather die than sell my savior out," Kyungsoo said, "Trust me."
And for some reason, may it be the determination in Kyungsoo's eyes or something else, the man did. His shoulders relaxed and he smiled a little before reaching out his hand, “Kim Jongin.”
"Do Kyungsoo," he responds, reaching out his own hand to shake the hand of the other, "But I think you knew that already. Also, don't tell me you're planning to go home early tonight, you had to leave in such a rush at the cafe and the least I can do for saving my life is pay some drinks for you on behalf of my friend and myself."
Kyungsoo doesn’t know what had gotten into him that night; after meeting someone who disobeyed the law, someone who was considered a threat to the established society, he should have run away as soon as possible. But that’s not how Kyungsoo worked; he wanted to repay this friendly stranger who not only was kindhearted enough to bring back the phone of his friend but who also saved his own life when nobody else dared to. Maybe the temporary lack of oxygen had caused some brain damage but Kyungsoo was stubborn enough not to judge on one point alone. Society had taught him not to judge a book on its cover and he certainly wasn’t going to judge Jongin just because of his refusal to take pills.
That had not been the first time Kyungsoo met someone who didn't take the pills. Though it was a rare situation, when he had moved out of his parental house, he had happened to live next to someone who had refused to take his pills. However, the situation of his neighbour had been entirely different from the situation of the man who had tried to strangle him.
When Kyungsoo first met Chanyeol, he had been working in his garden; he always had had green fingers and he loved to create life with his own hands. It had been then that a face had peeked over the hedge and a low voice had startled Kyungsoo from his concentration, “Hi there, have you just moved in?” When Kyungsoo turns around to face the man, he sees a handsome young man smiling at him.
"Yes, I'm Do Kyungsoo, it’s nice to meet you," he says, laughing to shrug off the fact he had been startled. The sound of his laughter is empty and the smile doesn’t reach his eyes but then again - whose laughter actually does in this era?
That question was soon answered. "I'm Park Chanyeol," the man says and there's something about his unusually bright and twinkly eyes that has Kyungsoo start to suspect something, "I'm sorry if I caught you off guard."
And while there is absolutely nothing funny about these words, Chanyeol laughs either way and it's kind of a hysterical laugh, the way he starts clapping like a seal and the way his face scrunches up with one eye twisting... but it's highly contagious and Kyungsoo smiles a bit too even though his system tells him this is more of a polite smile than anything else.
From his loud and unusual behaviour, it had instantly become clear that Chanyeol didn’t fit into society like everyone did. As a good citizen, Kyungsoo should have had reported him to the Hunters. People with genuine feelings were a danger to society because they were unpredictable and irrational and Kyungsoo wanted to contribute to the safety of his society just like any other citizen. However, there was something stopping him from reporting this seemingly friendly guy.
Kyungsoo doesn't get too close with Chanyeol, something in the back of his head telling him his involvement might endanger him, but he likes the guy. Chanyeol is quite friendly and it seems as if their occasional small chats aren’t pure politeness from his side since he appears to be quite interested and his behaviour is so different from the society Kyungsoo has experienced his whole life.
The man is nice and he can't imagine him ever being a threat to society so Kyungsoo chooses to just feign ignorance.
After having lived for over six months next to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo awakens one day to the sound of screaming. When he sleepily peaks out of his window, scratching his head and squinting his eyes against the bright light, he sees a man struggle against the grip of three other men. It takes Kyungsoo a moment to realize it's Chanyeol, his caramel dyed hair standing out starkly against the raven haired guys. He doesn't do anything to help prevent the guy from being entrained to a dark van - instead, he just watches how the body is thrown inside, how the door is closed and how the van drives away.
After three days of silence with no Chanyeol greeting him happily when he's working in the garden, Kyungsoo is relieved to see his neighbour’s face above the hedge again. "Chanyeol-sshi," he says, smiling a little towards the man. He's strangely relieved to see that the man is still intact and more importantly, alive, with no visible signs of violence. Then again, his society wasn't one for violence anyway. "It's good to see you again."
"It's nice to see you too, Kyungsoo-sshi," Chanyeol turns around to face his neighbour and the smile instantly drops from Kyungsoo's face because - it's there. The same empty look everyone had in society, the same polite smile that never reached their eyes. On Chanyeol’s face wasn't the funny smile that Kyungsoo was used to, the bright smile that scrunched up his handsome features and made his eye twitch. It was a composed smile that let Chanyeol's handsome features intact and made the man appear composed, cold even. "I'm sorry for the rush, I still have some places to attend to. Let's have a chat later, okay? At least, if your schedule allows it."
Kyungsoo gives him a polite nod, "Of course. Then, have a nice day."
"You too," Chanyeol nods back before opening the gate in his backyard and leaving.
The next time Kyungsoo sees Chanyeol, his hair is dyed back to black. There’s no longer the sound of happy laughter escaping from Chanyeol’s mouth and neither is there time for random chats - there’s just a man who has succeeded in blending in completely with the rest of society. Kyungsoo didn't feel extremely bugged by it (just like the few emotions he felt were nothing but extreme) and the days of initial silence after Chanyeol's departure became normality. After a while, Kyungsoo couldn't be bothered by it anymore either.
“Are you never afraid you’ll get caught?” Kyungsoo asks one day, his eyes curious as they lay upon Jongin’s slightly amused face. They’re eating dinner at his home, Jongin having insisted he absolutely had no power to go outside and just wanted to laze around and enjoy Kyungsoo’s cooking skills, so after a lot of begging and greasy compliments, the older man had given in. “Wouldn’t life be easier if you just took your pills, wouldn’t you be less paranoid?”
Jongin laughs but it’s a humorless laugh and it is scary how it resembles most of the laughter in society. “Of course it would be easier - but I’m not going to hide myself under a robotic mask. I don’t want to live like that; I have lived like that until I was sixteen and after experiencing real feelings, I don’t want to go back to the indifference I’ve always felt. I’m always afraid that I’ll get caught but do you know what I think? It’s worth taking the risk. When I stopped taking the pills, I suddenly felt alive. Emotions make me appreciate certain things of life better... I don’t know what to compare it with?”
He thinks for a second, taking a bite of his dinner, before he continues, “I think it’s similar to having a bad vision. That’s how it is. When you’re taking the pills, your vision is clouded and bad and you can only trace the vague outlines of life. If you didn’t know any better, you’d be pretty contempt with life, right? You’d think everyone would see the things the same way you do. However, from the moment I stopped taking the pills, it was as if I got glasses or lenses. There was so much more to the world than these vague outlines and I could finally see everything so clearly, feel everything with so much more intensity. Once you’ve got to see what the world really is like, you can’t just return to the muddy and diluted version you’d always known, right? I don’t know, I just... want to feel. Nobody knows what will happen to you once the Hunters get to you but I think it’s worth it - because I’d rather live a short life with everything life has got to offer than that I’d live a long life, knowing what I could’ve experienced had I showed more courage.”
Kyungsoo is silent, his eyes fixated on his plate as he eats. “I know what happens... I mean, to the people who fall into the hands of the Hunters,” he says, a bit hesitant yet at the same time knowing Jongin would die to hear this. “I don’t know if it’s always like this... but my neighbour used to feel real emotions too. I don’t know how the Society discovered but one day, they took him away. He disappeared for three days and when he showed up, his gleaming eyes had turned dull and he was the same like everyone. I don’t know what they did to him neither do I know if his case was an exception - he was a very nice guy who bothered no one and had no aggressive tendencies, so maybe the Society just let him go after using a method onto him that forced him to take his pills. Maybe they traumatized him enough there that he just takes them voluntarily now, I wouldn’t know.”
Jongin shrugs, “I’ve heard several stories, one bloodier than the other, but it seems to depend on your family line and how you’ve behaved in society in the past. I don’t know, maybe they just do it randomly. Either way, I don’t care; for me, not being able to feel anything is the same as not living. And I’d rather live a short life than not having lived at all.”
Kyungsoo is silent, hesitating a bit, his eyes still dropped onto his plate while he bites his lip, before he says, “Then why do you like me? Why are you with me? Don’t you think I’m the same as the others?” He instantly drops his eyes to his plate, his cheeks flushing as he takes a huge bite to shut himself up for the coming few seconds. Or maybe just suffocate in it, that would be great too.
The other man seems to be caught off guard and it takes a moment for him to recover but then he’s laughing, “You don’t know? Of course I’m with you for your cooking skills.” However, then his eyes turn serious and he answers, “I don’t know. It sounds kind of lame but... you’re different? I mean, at first I just wanted to return that phone to your friend. And I couldn’t just let you die either, could I? As much as society keeps saying that we’re threats for the world, I think it’s even more threatening when someone is being strangled in front of so many people and no single person has the guts to help. I was a bit suspicious of you, though, the way my true identity was exposed - normally, I don’t have much trouble blending in with the rest, mind you - and the way you kept clinging onto me-” I was not clinging onto you! Kyungsoo protests, “-but I trusted you. It’s just... a feeling, you know?” Jongin laughs. “You were the first person I dared to trust in a long time. Having a friend feels good. Same goes for you though - why did you hang out with someone that should be reported to the Hunters immediately? Aren’t you afraid you’ll get into trouble with this?”
Kyungsoo shrugs, trying to hide his embarrassment by taking another bite of his food. It takes a moment to clear his mouth but with Jongin’s expectant eyes watching him, he has no other choice than to answer. “I don’t know. I’d known someone with real feelings before meeting you and he had been quite innocent and maybe even fun to talk to. I just felt it would be too much to just let you go like that, I mean, after you saved my life and stuff. I’m not that superficial,” Kyungsoo adds, a slight frown between his eyebrows, “I know when to recognize a good person.”
Jongin chuckles. “Well, thank you, I take that as a compliment.”
“But... I’m wondering about one more thing...” the older man says, “You said you took the pills until your sixteenth... but why did you suddenly stop taking them? I mean, you certainly couldn’t have known that it would have been worth the risk.”
Jongin shrugs, “I was stupid back then. My friend challenged me. It was a bet. He dared me not to take the pills for one single week. I thought it couldn’t hurt anyone so I agreed on condition he would stop chasing the girl I liked back then. We both agreed. It turned out a little bit different than we all had expected - the emotions that came crashing upon me were unexpected, I felt them to the inner core of my body and I wanted them to stop. At least, until happiness came. And then love came. And I was just crashing onto this unknown world full of emotions and it could be terrifying, it could be so bad I just wanted to die... but it could also be glorious, so wonderful I felt like flying.
Of course I won the bet. I was too stubborn. He gave up on the girl but in return, the girl wanted nothing to do with me anymore simply because of the fact I wasn’t following the law because by then, I had stopped taking the pills altogether. I wasn’t that good at keeping up a facade like I am now but they didn’t betray me and I’m still grateful for that.”
“Oh wow,” Kyungsoo says, finishing his dinner, “That’s quite a foolish story if I were to be honest. Who actually risks his life for a bet?”
However, maybe he was the biggest fool of them all because when he grabs his bottle with pills, there’s a hesitant look in his eyes and Jongin’s eyes are having a mischievous gleam into them when he says, “You want to try it out? Just do it for a week, please please please,” and Kyungsoo knows how it ended with the younger man when he did it for a week but Jongin begs some more, “Just so you know how I’m feeling all the time. Don’t you want to love genuinely too?”, and he’s so offended by the implication that he isn’t truly in love with the man right now that he demonstratively places the bottle of pills away.
He laughs nervously but Jongin is there, arms wrapped around him, leaving a trail of fluttering kisses on the skin of his face and Kyungsoo thinks it’s just for a week.
It’s easier said than done though. When Kyungsoo wakes up the next morning, he feels strangely uneasy but it’s not until the end of the first day that the pills are almost completely out of his system. The first time he feels sadness comes unexpectedly. He's sitting on the couch, watching TV, when a sudden sadness hits him out of nowhere. There's a sharp pain in his chest and Kyungsoo's breathing hitches, his hand reaching out to fist the fabric of his shirt near his heart.
With shaky inhales of air, he tries to calm himself but unexpected waves of pain are going through his body, starting strongly somewhere in his lower abdomen, going through his body until they end up crashing into his chest, like waves on the sea shore. Kyungsoo can't remember feeling anything so deep, so raw, so real before.
He's just trembling uncontrollably, his eyes prickling until moist trickles down his cheeks. Small, pained noises escape from his lips and he honestly just wants to break his promise, run to the bathroom and down a handful of pills to make this horrible feeling stop.
Instead, Kyungsoo tries to make himself as small as possible, hugging himself tightly with his own arms, his hands digging small crescents into his skin as he tries to distract himself from the ripping waves of pain in his body.
He has no idea how long it takes for Jongin to return from the supermarket but when he does, it takes him only one step into their house to sense that something is wrong. Kyungsoo can’t still his muffled sobs and through a tear blurred vision, there's the outline of Jongin's worried face and he tries to smile but he can't, instead starting to sob harder as he throws his arms around the man, burying his face wet with tears into Jongin's shoulder.
"What's wrong? Why are you crying?" Jongin's low voice is right next to Kyungsoo's ear. He wraps his arms protectively around the sobbing man - almost cradling him - before his hands start rubbing circles on his back soothingly. Kyungsoo doesn't give an answer, just cries into the arms of the man he trusts the most in the world, just cries until the ripping waves of pain crashing into his body finally subdues.
"This feeling is awful," he later says, his eyes still puffy and red, "What's the point of feeling when all you can feel is a wrecking pain that destroys you from the inside out?"
"The peaks make the lows worth it," is all Jongin says.
However, after the first low, there comes another low. The first time Kyungsoo experiences anger is solely because of himself. There's no particular reason for it but he's frustrated and disappointed with himself, a kind of emotion he has never felt to this extent. It comes crashing down on him and before he knows it, he's grabbing fistfuls of his own hair, yanking, but ending up even more frustrated because of how fast the short hair escapes between his fingers.
"Don't stop me!" he yells when Jongin comes closer with arms outstretched in front of him, palms facing up to show that he means no harm. "Don't come closer!"
In the end, Jongin does, his eyes soft when he gently untangles Kyungsoo's fingers from the strands of hair. Kyungsoo lets out a scream of agony, helpless tears fighting their way down his cheeks as he balls his hands into fists to beat Jongin's chest in frustration, shrieking for him to let him go, to just let him be, to just...
Jongin endures the hits without a sound and that makes Kyungsoo self despise even grow. Maybe the younger man was able to control his emotions well but Kyungsoo honestly failed miserably. Not only had he started to use violence himself, he also used it against one of the people he loved dearest. His continuing hits bear no more power when this cold realization dawns upon him and when Jongin's hands wrap around his wrists, a sad look in his eyes, Kyungsoo has no more energy left in his body.
His hands, still balled into fists, rest on Jongin's chest and he doesn't dare to look him in the eyes, too ashamed of himself. When the grip on his wrists loosen, hands reaching out to wipe away the tears on his cheeks, something breaks inside of Kyungsoo and the tears start to flow even faster, falling like raindrops during a storm.
"How do you do this? These emotions are terrible, horrible, unpredictable and so much stronger than I'd expected. Why would you want to feel this? It's awful!" Kyungsoo’s voice cracks. He just wants to forget, wants to bury his face into Jongin’s chest and sleep until a better day comes.
"I'm used to them... I know how to deal with them," Jongin says, wrapping his arms around Kyungsoo's shaking body. His body heat is comforting and Kyungsoo sighs, giving up his feeble attempt to understand the man who seems to live in a whole other world than he is used to. Walking this bridge between two different worlds might be the hardest thing he has ever done, this feeling of being tossed from one side to the other.
It might be a product of Kyungsoo's own imagination but with his face buried into Jongin’s chest, he swears he hears whispered sounds between the heartbeats, words falling into those small silences between every beat, "Besides, feeling something is always better than feeling nothing at all."
(Later that day when Kyungsoo’s tears have run dry and he feels so tired that he’s barely able to keep his eyes open, there’s Jongin, stroking his hair out of his eyes and humming a slow and foreign melody. “What are you doing?” Kyungsoo asks sleepily. Never before has he heard the composition of music notes strung together, creating a perfect harmony with each other and the experience of hearing something that might resemble what they called music back in the days peaks his curiosity.
“Singing,” Jongin answers simply, “My grandfather used to sing this to me when I couldn’t fall asleep... but it’s been such a long time, I can’t exactly remember most of the words. My mother didn’t allow me to sing; singing in a world without music might be understood as showing signs of rebellion. I obeyed back then but I don’t care anymore now... such forms of art should be appreciated and not suppressed.”
“Teach me,” is what Kyungsoo had demanded.
Later that night, their voices blended together. Never had Kyungsoo realized that a voice could truly convey the expressions of a soul until that night.)
On the third day since Kyungsoo stopped taking his pills, he experiences happiness. It’s a pleasant feeling that warms up his body and in no way possible does it resemble the weak spark he had initially thought to be happiness. This was a big bonfire that was able to radiate warmth to even the furthest parts of his body; from the top of his head to his toes. It’s a fleeting feeling that pulls up the upper corners of his lips and makes his smile reach his eyes.
The sound of carefree laughter escapes from his lips as he nuzzles his nose in Jongin's neck, breathing in the scent of his cologne. Jongin laughs before he starts kissing him, leaving a trail of small fluttering kisses on the skin behind his ear, small fluttering kisses that seem familiar to the fluttering feeling in Kyungsoo’s stomach. Jongin's lips brush his ear before he says, "See? Feelings aren't that bad, right?"
Kyungsoo smiles, his eyes turning into crescents, as he answers, "No. I think I could get used to this."
And when his lips crush onto Jongin’s, he forgets about everything. There is just the two of them, his hand resting on Jongin’s tousled hair, the warmth of Jongin’s tongue moving against his and Kyungsoo clings onto this feeling of burning desire with all his might. They kiss until they’re both breathless, cheeks flushed and small pants escaping from their lips.
Not only does he learn about happiness that day, he also learns about love.
“I love you,” Kyungsoo says, before he crushes their lips together again, a needy moan escaping from somewhere deep inside his throat. He understands now. He understands what Jongin had meant when he had said Kyungsoo didn’t know what it was to love like this. To love so desperately that it hurt just to think about separating. To love so deeply he wants to hold Jongin close to his heart, to match the rhythm of his heartbeat with Jongin’s so that it’d at least feel that they’d be one entity even though they were two. To love someone like he has never loved before.
“I love you too,” Jongin says when they’re both pausing to catch their breaths.
From then on, everything becomes a blur, their hands touching each other while their mouths mold needily together. The sensation of their fingertips touching each others skin sends shivers down Kyungsoo’s spine and he tries to suppress a moan but he can’t and suddenly their clothes are on the ground and Jongin is all over him, his hand trailing teasingly down his chest to his abdomen to even lower and Kyungsoo gasps when he feels fingers curl around his member.
They fall together on Kyungsoo’s bed - God knows how they even made their way there with this hazy state of mind - and nothing matters anymore except for the way Jongin touches his body, the way he presses gentle kisses on his skin and the way he kisses him fiercely and needy, leaving him gasping for more air. The way he thrusts into his body until everything becomes one fine mess of limbs and lust.
Later that night, when the mist in his head clears up and they’re lying next to each other, their chests heaving with the need for air, Kyungsoo lies his face on Jongin’s chest and closes his eyes. In this moment of the dark night, there’s nothing he’s worried about. It doesn’t matter that everything could just end with a single slip up, with the faintest sign of emotions in their eyes, it doesn’t matter that everything could end for them if the Hunters got to them. The only thing that matters is Jongin, the sound of his steady heartbeats, the warmth of his body and the way he holds him close.
“I could get used to this,” Kyungsoo whispers softly with his eyes closed. Happiness. Love. He understands now, understands what Jongin had been trying to explain to him all this time.
Everything could end tomorrow. Everything could end in a year, in two years, maybe even in ten years if they were lucky. His future was now filled with uncertainties but it was worth taking the risk. He’d rather experience every single thing life has got to offer to the fullest than looking back in his dying moments, knowing what he could have experienced if he would have had a little bit more courage.
“That’s good,” Jongin smiles, “Because in no way I’m thinking of letting you take those pills ever again.”
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A/N: Oh wow, first fic in a long time and also my first EXO fic ^^;; I'm still dealing with my writer's block (you really don't know how many fics I've actually attempted to write and then just let it die down) and I even wanted to drop this fic when I was halfway.
The title is from a quote I found on the internet, “Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.”, and I thought it kind of fit the story. :>