bane of everyone's existence
Ok now, I'm feeling so bad about myself. I know intellectually that I'm a good person, people like me, if I let more people in they'd like me more. I know I'm not ugly physically I mean. I can look at myself objectively and see some asthetic beauty. I'm not trying to be conceited or anything, I'm just setting up the rest of this entry. I also very much know that I'm attractive to the other sex and the same sex. I know I'm funny, sweet, caring, etc. Just when I'm feeling that I'm fine the way I am, that I'm beautiful and great person and that anyone would be lucky to find me/have me as their girlfriend.
I make a comment about my pants getting looser and that I must be losing weight and everyone's excited about it. I mean it's hard to believe that people like you the way you are when they are so excited about you losing weight. I realize thinner people are sometimes more healthy, but I will never let myself look disgustingly thin. I'm not going to be a little fucking beauty queen. Now I feel like I HAVE to lose weight or else I'm going to let someone down. Pressure isn't good for me. It makes me freak out, when I freak out about weight I tend to become obsessive then I lose too fast and get sick.
The insecurity creeps in. What I need is someone to tell me that they like the way I am and actually mean it. Not telling me they like the way I am and then start talking about how beautiful so and so is. Yes, this is a thinly veiled rant session. I hurt so badly when someone does that to me. I mean all my life I've been told that I should be smart and try harder because I have to be better because I'm not model pretty or model thin. Seeing someone idolize people that are make me wonder why the hell they are with me in the first place.
I'm sensitive lately and everything everyone says about me feels like they're chipping a little bit more of my self esteem away. It's "No, this is the right way to do that." "She's so gorgeous." " Get out of this, quit doing that, that's not the right way to say that, that's not the right way to spell that." Pick, Pick, Pick. One of these days I'm not going to be able to take it anymore, and I'm going to blow up and ask, for the fucking love of God why do you want me around if I get on your nerves so damn bad.
So, in short. I'm a nuisance to everyone I care about now. Which means I'm recedeing into the background to cry and lick my wounds. Honestly, it makes me want to go out and prove that I can get someone, but what would that solve. I'm not that kind of girl. So, either people are going to get off my ass about my faults or I'm going to start listing their fucking faults. I so don't do that though because when I care about someone their faults become smaller to me.
I just really feel small right now. I don't like feeling so small. It usually happens when I'm feeling good about myself, and it's usually someone else that starts the doubt. What's worse- physical abuse or emotional abuse?
I make a comment about my pants getting looser and that I must be losing weight and everyone's excited about it. I mean it's hard to believe that people like you the way you are when they are so excited about you losing weight. I realize thinner people are sometimes more healthy, but I will never let myself look disgustingly thin. I'm not going to be a little fucking beauty queen. Now I feel like I HAVE to lose weight or else I'm going to let someone down. Pressure isn't good for me. It makes me freak out, when I freak out about weight I tend to become obsessive then I lose too fast and get sick.
The insecurity creeps in. What I need is someone to tell me that they like the way I am and actually mean it. Not telling me they like the way I am and then start talking about how beautiful so and so is. Yes, this is a thinly veiled rant session. I hurt so badly when someone does that to me. I mean all my life I've been told that I should be smart and try harder because I have to be better because I'm not model pretty or model thin. Seeing someone idolize people that are make me wonder why the hell they are with me in the first place.
I'm sensitive lately and everything everyone says about me feels like they're chipping a little bit more of my self esteem away. It's "No, this is the right way to do that." "She's so gorgeous." " Get out of this, quit doing that, that's not the right way to say that, that's not the right way to spell that." Pick, Pick, Pick. One of these days I'm not going to be able to take it anymore, and I'm going to blow up and ask, for the fucking love of God why do you want me around if I get on your nerves so damn bad.
So, in short. I'm a nuisance to everyone I care about now. Which means I'm recedeing into the background to cry and lick my wounds. Honestly, it makes me want to go out and prove that I can get someone, but what would that solve. I'm not that kind of girl. So, either people are going to get off my ass about my faults or I'm going to start listing their fucking faults. I so don't do that though because when I care about someone their faults become smaller to me.
I just really feel small right now. I don't like feeling so small. It usually happens when I'm feeling good about myself, and it's usually someone else that starts the doubt. What's worse- physical abuse or emotional abuse?