early morning thoughts
It's now about 4 minutes til 6 in the morning. Yeah I know that normal people don't realize that there is such a time. I woke up from a really odd dream and my stomach decided that in order to go back to sleep it must be fed. I don't like this idea very much but it insisted for 20 minutes so I finally got up. I've been thinking about a lot of things in the past few days.
First thing I've been thinking about is how my dad is now 49. I know that this is not old at all, but there's something about my dad being that age that I have a problem with. I guess because I don't like to think about my dad being old. It's scary. I mean my dad isn't sick or anything. It's just knowing that as he gets older he's gradually wearing out.*sighs* There's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better about this. It's just something I have to get through myself I guess.
I've also been wondering what kind of person I'd be if I'd saved my virginity for marriage. I have the utmost of respect for people that can do this, but I worry that they may be missing out. I mean, I imagine my life if I were still a virgin. Hell, maybe I would have settled for someone just to experience sex. Sex seems to bring out the best and worst in people. What brings this up is that I like a religious guy, and I'm not sure how religious he is. I mean what if I start dating him and he's antisex. I mean right now I'm celibate and not totally horrified by it. But, the bigger question is what if I date him and we fall in love and it gets totally serious? What if it comes down to me deciding whether or not he's serious about having sex? What if it comes down to me to decide whether or not he should stay pure? God, I so shouldn't be worrying about this since I haven't even hugged this guy yet, and I know sex is FAR from the scope here. I just worry. And it brings some guilt out in me. I mean now that I've not had sex for awhile I see how much it controls me sometimes. I mean it's comforting and such. *shrugs* maybe I'd have more clarity without it. We'll see what happens.
First thing I've been thinking about is how my dad is now 49. I know that this is not old at all, but there's something about my dad being that age that I have a problem with. I guess because I don't like to think about my dad being old. It's scary. I mean my dad isn't sick or anything. It's just knowing that as he gets older he's gradually wearing out.*sighs* There's nothing anyone can do to make me feel better about this. It's just something I have to get through myself I guess.
I've also been wondering what kind of person I'd be if I'd saved my virginity for marriage. I have the utmost of respect for people that can do this, but I worry that they may be missing out. I mean, I imagine my life if I were still a virgin. Hell, maybe I would have settled for someone just to experience sex. Sex seems to bring out the best and worst in people. What brings this up is that I like a religious guy, and I'm not sure how religious he is. I mean what if I start dating him and he's antisex. I mean right now I'm celibate and not totally horrified by it. But, the bigger question is what if I date him and we fall in love and it gets totally serious? What if it comes down to me deciding whether or not he's serious about having sex? What if it comes down to me to decide whether or not he should stay pure? God, I so shouldn't be worrying about this since I haven't even hugged this guy yet, and I know sex is FAR from the scope here. I just worry. And it brings some guilt out in me. I mean now that I've not had sex for awhile I see how much it controls me sometimes. I mean it's comforting and such. *shrugs* maybe I'd have more clarity without it. We'll see what happens.