How far I've come since Daniel
Wow, I just realized how far I've come since my last uber serious relationship. I mean since Daniel it's pretty much been rebounds I think. I mean how could it be any less when I truly loved him with all my heart and soul and was ready to marry him. I see now, of course, that it was too intense to be a good thing.
I don't regret the inbetween relationships because I met some good people. I mean I made a good friend in Adam and I wouldn't take that back for the world. Not to mention other things that Adam does.
Anyway, I've realized that I was really trying to get back the intensity that I had with Daniel, even though I knew that that was totally not a right way to be. I mean it wore me out totally. Passion is good, but not when it is so overwhealming that that is all of substance that really exists. *shrugs*
I've been thinking about how now I've been on my own, single with no real interest or prospects since July when I let assface go. It's been good for me. I've been lonely, but I think I've had some time to think and process all the relationships that I've had that I didn't process. I mean I pretty much was a serial monogamist. I went from one uber serious relationship to another. There was YEARS of that. I think I got so hurt when Josh broke up with me (he was my first love) that I had to keep getting into other relationships to run from that pain. And that was in 2000! Being single has gave me a real peace of mind. I know that I can do it on my own. I know that people respect and love me even if I'm alone.
I know more of who I am and what I want out of a partner. Now if I can just keep my guidelines in mind and not waver because I like someone so much. It's more important for me to be happy. I'm happy now, even though I'm single. I'm happy with myself. I do admit that I have that lingering worry that I will end up dying alone. I don't want to die alone, but then that isn't very logical because I have family and friends that I know won't leave me that way. But the desire for a mate is still there. I think it'll always be there. But all I can do is listen to myself and try to discern what's right and who's right.
I don't regret the inbetween relationships because I met some good people. I mean I made a good friend in Adam and I wouldn't take that back for the world. Not to mention other things that Adam does.
Anyway, I've realized that I was really trying to get back the intensity that I had with Daniel, even though I knew that that was totally not a right way to be. I mean it wore me out totally. Passion is good, but not when it is so overwhealming that that is all of substance that really exists. *shrugs*
I've been thinking about how now I've been on my own, single with no real interest or prospects since July when I let assface go. It's been good for me. I've been lonely, but I think I've had some time to think and process all the relationships that I've had that I didn't process. I mean I pretty much was a serial monogamist. I went from one uber serious relationship to another. There was YEARS of that. I think I got so hurt when Josh broke up with me (he was my first love) that I had to keep getting into other relationships to run from that pain. And that was in 2000! Being single has gave me a real peace of mind. I know that I can do it on my own. I know that people respect and love me even if I'm alone.
I know more of who I am and what I want out of a partner. Now if I can just keep my guidelines in mind and not waver because I like someone so much. It's more important for me to be happy. I'm happy now, even though I'm single. I'm happy with myself. I do admit that I have that lingering worry that I will end up dying alone. I don't want to die alone, but then that isn't very logical because I have family and friends that I know won't leave me that way. But the desire for a mate is still there. I think it'll always be there. But all I can do is listen to myself and try to discern what's right and who's right.