Mmm idk where to begin
I can't see my pAst journal entries on the lj app so I'm just going to assume I've already written about what Braden said to me which I wasn't initially bothered about. However it started to eat away at ne throughout the week and he acted as if nothing had happened at all. So I tried meeting up with him after school several times. The first time I chickened out and said I didn't have anything to say when he said it looked like I did. Then I went back the day after and told him I honestly felt really awkward and he told me that he didn't feel awkward and that I was the one making it awkward.I skipped onto another topic and said maybe we shouldn't hug anymore and he said fine maybe he won't. Sort of in a defensive joking tone. Then he started laughing and walking away. I shouted that I was serious and he just laughed some more.
That was what really threw me off. Not the fact that he didn't want to go out with me because I wasn't Christian. So I've been in a bit of a daze for the past week and have been super tired and not cheery around my friends. So much that nel and Emily came over as a surprise and dropped off some gift baskets in tiger masks. That didn't completely fix me tho. I visited the history room as usual to visit myfriends and he corners me and grabs my backpack when I try to get away saying he won't let go unless I hug him and this was 30 seconds after the minute bell rang so I had no choice. Then he tends to try to get into conversations with me and Shawn which can get frustrating when I'm trying to get him outnof my head.
He didn't talk to me today. However something else happened. Yesterdaybi texted Adam that I wasn't feeling so great about what happened and he asked if he could do anythinn through text and then told me he was there if I ever needed someone to talk to which was what I told him back in september. So after history class he says he needs to talk to me and he says what he said to me in his texts. So it was really nice of him. Like super duper and I never dreamed that I would even ge that much outta him. And then he asked me if I wanted a hug. I told him the night before that it felt morally wrong to me to hug a guy in a relationship so lol. It was a nice sincere hug. And as we were hugging Braden walks by. Holy shit I didn't even see him. So I see him over adam's shoulder and whisper that he's coming. At this point I'd never mentioned that it was Braden. So as he walks past Adam just raises his arm and says hey. Lol. I had a little spazzing moment in front of him before thanking him and going to lunch. My mood increased like crazy.
But I do fel like I've hurt Braden and I feel horrible about it. Some girl was giving him a hard time in math class today and I reallly wanted to hug him cuz I felt so bad and he really didn't deserve it. Plus my ignoring him and not hugging him and hen finishing it off by intimately hugging Adam definitely wasn't good. But right now I think it would be best for me so I don't get my hopes up for a relationship when we've already established that Im not what he's looking for. It's my mental health vs keeping people happy. Which makes me happy. I'm a very conflicted teen at the moment.
Excuse all the atrocious typos in this entry. I'm typing on my iPod Which doesn't have the biggest or most accurate keyboard ever.