This is not an exit.
at all.
Alright, Ive been avoiding doing an entry all day. Why?. I want to run away from myself right now. Just jump out of my skin and dash, leaving behind most of the feelings that i'm uncomfortable with and starting anew. I'd keep a few of the thoughts that torment me though, just to keep my life in perspective.
Few people who read my journal really and truly know me.
And that's okay.
I want you to know me. Whether you want to know me too, and see beyond the ways that I may act sometimes, and my misdirected anger, and ... everything...
That's why I have this thing.
I can't force anyone to want to know or understand me. But you can go ahead and read this, taking what you want from it.
I feel pretty bad about the ways that I have been treating some people around here. Whether they see it, or not. My attitude isn't really okay, and I understand that. I become so lost within myself, as I am now, that I dont see what I'm doing until days, maybe weeks later. This may also a bit hard for some to grasp. You might get the urge to say that I'm passing it off as something else... creating some false reasoning for what I feel and how I direct it, just to make myself look good. But I'm not. I'm a truthful person who is having trouble moving past some personal issues in my life. I dont even know what half of them are. How sad is that. I'm talkin', just things, beliefs, notions, deep things... dealing with the ways in which I relate to people... that have morphed within me since childhood.
My view of the world and others around me is very obtuse sometimes. It swallows me. Blinds me, from what I should be doing. I don't know how to explain it any better. I dont want to. I use far too much arrogance and sarcasm as vices to justify or control all this internal shit, which is probably why people just stare at me sometimes when I talk, not wanting to reply. And I dont blame them. They all have more restraint than I. That's one thing I never learned how to stifle. I've always gotta speak my opinions... no matter the setting. I bet I insult a lot of people. I'm not sorry, but I just want you to understand.
This is college. Why am I not allowing myself to have fun? I'm too preoccupied with social rights and wrongs. It's so stupid.
I've been holding on and worrying so, so much about past events and memories, that, spiritually, I'm not even here. I'm not living right now.
I made an observation today, that when I get lonely or I feel left out, I dig up memories or thoughts of people I love, or things that have happened so long ago, and I dwell on them. I let them float around in my head, making a concious effort to work things out, wondering what I could do better next time in a similar situation with a similar person. I wonder if i'm going to lose certain people for good, and it scares me. I let these things preoccupy me, meanwhile I dont LIVE. I spend all of this time worrying about what's been DONE, and I dont create a future for myself. I even find my mind trailing off when I'm at parties... people ask me what's wrong with me and I quickly snap out of it as if I was never thinking. I'm so tired of it. I want to be having fun and I need to realize that there are things that I like about just about EVERYONE I've met here. You can always find at least one good thing that you like about anyone, even if they seem like a horrible person. Everyone's got a redeeming quality or two in there that will allow them to shine as even the dimmest star would.
This is my apology. you can take it or leave it. It might even be an apology to myself as well, for short-changing myself during what should be a pretty nifty time in my life.
I need to trust that my past is not going anywhere. The memories that have been made were great, but now it's time to make new ones! After all, if I need to reminicse, it's not like I dont have journals and journals plus my livejournal full of the stuff that I made sure that I wanted to remember in the future. The realm of past memory has been a safe haven for me for the last year or even two. It's somehow gotten me through some very lonely times where I've been incredibly isolated. I mean, who doesn't like to rely on nice thoughts to get them through a time where they're feeling shitty? They're always there.
I hold back many times because i'm afraid of being judged. Wow, there. I said it. Don't judge. It's not nice. We all need to love each other, and show it. Sadly, I haven't been able to adhere to my own philosophy... I've been too.. "busy". I'm going to stop being so busy now. I just want for people to feel comfortable around me. I'm so much more apt to open up and be me when others show me that they value me. This has been part of my nature since I was very young. It feels so good when people prove themeselves to me through their actions. Then I know that things are okay.
Wow, that's a load off my mind.
I think i'm depressed... really. I took this thing in psychology.. this survey thing that some grad students were doing, and theyre going to call back people who are candidates for their study.. It was all about depression and academic performance. Every one of the depression questions fit me. Some things I hadn't even realized.
Fucked up. I know that so many others feel this way, but they'd never dare to show it. You've gotta face it. I've learned that, if nothing else. You've gotta face the shit before there is any chance of any genuine improvement.
I wish my chest would explode and get it over with. It's trapped.
I need to climb out of this this weekend. Begin with a new attitude. Engage myself, TRY just a little harder... that's the thing.. i dont try at all.
And after reading this, if anyone wishes to back away from me, then I'll know it's not my problem. You can think what you wish about lil' old me.
If you wrong me, I'm still going to love and repect you for what you are and the good things you do...the greatness that you bring to this world that's rapidly diminishing
ever
so
quickly.
safety... thoughts.. my mind, is not an exit for anything. No more.
no more
no more
no more
no more.
oh, and smile more too.
good night. <3
Alright, Ive been avoiding doing an entry all day. Why?. I want to run away from myself right now. Just jump out of my skin and dash, leaving behind most of the feelings that i'm uncomfortable with and starting anew. I'd keep a few of the thoughts that torment me though, just to keep my life in perspective.
Few people who read my journal really and truly know me.
And that's okay.
I want you to know me. Whether you want to know me too, and see beyond the ways that I may act sometimes, and my misdirected anger, and ... everything...
That's why I have this thing.
I can't force anyone to want to know or understand me. But you can go ahead and read this, taking what you want from it.
I feel pretty bad about the ways that I have been treating some people around here. Whether they see it, or not. My attitude isn't really okay, and I understand that. I become so lost within myself, as I am now, that I dont see what I'm doing until days, maybe weeks later. This may also a bit hard for some to grasp. You might get the urge to say that I'm passing it off as something else... creating some false reasoning for what I feel and how I direct it, just to make myself look good. But I'm not. I'm a truthful person who is having trouble moving past some personal issues in my life. I dont even know what half of them are. How sad is that. I'm talkin', just things, beliefs, notions, deep things... dealing with the ways in which I relate to people... that have morphed within me since childhood.
My view of the world and others around me is very obtuse sometimes. It swallows me. Blinds me, from what I should be doing. I don't know how to explain it any better. I dont want to. I use far too much arrogance and sarcasm as vices to justify or control all this internal shit, which is probably why people just stare at me sometimes when I talk, not wanting to reply. And I dont blame them. They all have more restraint than I. That's one thing I never learned how to stifle. I've always gotta speak my opinions... no matter the setting. I bet I insult a lot of people. I'm not sorry, but I just want you to understand.
This is college. Why am I not allowing myself to have fun? I'm too preoccupied with social rights and wrongs. It's so stupid.
I've been holding on and worrying so, so much about past events and memories, that, spiritually, I'm not even here. I'm not living right now.
I made an observation today, that when I get lonely or I feel left out, I dig up memories or thoughts of people I love, or things that have happened so long ago, and I dwell on them. I let them float around in my head, making a concious effort to work things out, wondering what I could do better next time in a similar situation with a similar person. I wonder if i'm going to lose certain people for good, and it scares me. I let these things preoccupy me, meanwhile I dont LIVE. I spend all of this time worrying about what's been DONE, and I dont create a future for myself. I even find my mind trailing off when I'm at parties... people ask me what's wrong with me and I quickly snap out of it as if I was never thinking. I'm so tired of it. I want to be having fun and I need to realize that there are things that I like about just about EVERYONE I've met here. You can always find at least one good thing that you like about anyone, even if they seem like a horrible person. Everyone's got a redeeming quality or two in there that will allow them to shine as even the dimmest star would.
This is my apology. you can take it or leave it. It might even be an apology to myself as well, for short-changing myself during what should be a pretty nifty time in my life.
I need to trust that my past is not going anywhere. The memories that have been made were great, but now it's time to make new ones! After all, if I need to reminicse, it's not like I dont have journals and journals plus my livejournal full of the stuff that I made sure that I wanted to remember in the future. The realm of past memory has been a safe haven for me for the last year or even two. It's somehow gotten me through some very lonely times where I've been incredibly isolated. I mean, who doesn't like to rely on nice thoughts to get them through a time where they're feeling shitty? They're always there.
I hold back many times because i'm afraid of being judged. Wow, there. I said it. Don't judge. It's not nice. We all need to love each other, and show it. Sadly, I haven't been able to adhere to my own philosophy... I've been too.. "busy". I'm going to stop being so busy now. I just want for people to feel comfortable around me. I'm so much more apt to open up and be me when others show me that they value me. This has been part of my nature since I was very young. It feels so good when people prove themeselves to me through their actions. Then I know that things are okay.
Wow, that's a load off my mind.
I think i'm depressed... really. I took this thing in psychology.. this survey thing that some grad students were doing, and theyre going to call back people who are candidates for their study.. It was all about depression and academic performance. Every one of the depression questions fit me. Some things I hadn't even realized.
Fucked up. I know that so many others feel this way, but they'd never dare to show it. You've gotta face it. I've learned that, if nothing else. You've gotta face the shit before there is any chance of any genuine improvement.
I wish my chest would explode and get it over with. It's trapped.
I need to climb out of this this weekend. Begin with a new attitude. Engage myself, TRY just a little harder... that's the thing.. i dont try at all.
And after reading this, if anyone wishes to back away from me, then I'll know it's not my problem. You can think what you wish about lil' old me.
If you wrong me, I'm still going to love and repect you for what you are and the good things you do...the greatness that you bring to this world that's rapidly diminishing
ever
so
quickly.
safety... thoughts.. my mind, is not an exit for anything. No more.
no more
no more
no more
no more.
oh, and smile more too.
good night. <3