I could show you all the beauty you posess, if you'd only let yourself believe...
Too much shit has been happening. I'm about ready to explode and I dont know why. Well I do, but I dont know what to do about it. There's no one here that can even remotely understand me. That kills me. No, I take that back. There are plenty of people here who I could relate with better, but I have yet to meet them.
Im doing that thing where I dont breathe again. And then im like oh. Maybe I should get on that, ya know. haha
I think I really miss being able to express myself in the ways that I used to, and I miss getting positive feedback on the things that I do. I miss drama and dancing and playing my violin a lot. If I could only let myself believe that I could succeed at these things at college. As usual, I was scared away before I even looked into them, and I told myself I didnt want to tackle playing in the orchestra or anything. I mean hey, I tried dance, but it just wasnt the same. It wasnt fun anymore... what it used to be. I could be taking classes in bangor, but it's still discouraging to me. There's something wrong when all I want to do is cry while I'm doing something that I supposedly love. I dont know what changed. but it sucks.
Which brings me back to... I really miss expressing myself, even through the things I like. I feel like I'm not allowed to do that here most days. I shouldnt let that get to me. but I do.
I feel fuckin gross. I need to look forward to something... I'm not right now. Maybe I can look forward to next year and stuff. There's the potential for it to be a good time. If I want to make it one. Because now I know what to expect of this place and what I can do to make myself happy from the start.
ehhhhhhhh.
I had more. It left me.
I wish people would fuckin talk to me more.
I miss them.
Tomorrow shall be long and busy. Maybe that will be good for a change. 9:00 psych, trudge back here, go swimming, trudge to Neville, trudge back here, trudge to work at 6, and trudge to our fucking hall meeting about some stupid fuck burning down a bulletin board. I actually thought it was pretty comical friday night when I went down to look at it completely hammered. hahhaha. There was something just comical about the fact that.. well.. someone would be that stupid to think they could get away with it. I'd love to get into a criminal's mind. No one ever gets away with crimes that are noticed. What would make them think they would??? I dont know.
Im wondering about a couple of my friends tonight... I wonder if they ever think about me... the fun we've had. I know I would if i were them and in their current positions. Maybe that's selfish. I dunno. I miss them. We'll come together again someday when the time is right, I trust. And everything will be fine. Maybe I was too overbearing. I can't help it. Im sorry. I hope you hear me.
ok this is going nowhere. Too much time has been spent.
I'm alone in the world.
What's gonna change this.
I wish everybody posessed the ability to overlook my often intense face and stature.... and just know that it's not even me. You cant know jack shit about someone until you begin to try.
I know i'd probably never take my own advice, but open your mouth.
Fa real.
Im doing that thing where I dont breathe again. And then im like oh. Maybe I should get on that, ya know. haha
I think I really miss being able to express myself in the ways that I used to, and I miss getting positive feedback on the things that I do. I miss drama and dancing and playing my violin a lot. If I could only let myself believe that I could succeed at these things at college. As usual, I was scared away before I even looked into them, and I told myself I didnt want to tackle playing in the orchestra or anything. I mean hey, I tried dance, but it just wasnt the same. It wasnt fun anymore... what it used to be. I could be taking classes in bangor, but it's still discouraging to me. There's something wrong when all I want to do is cry while I'm doing something that I supposedly love. I dont know what changed. but it sucks.
Which brings me back to... I really miss expressing myself, even through the things I like. I feel like I'm not allowed to do that here most days. I shouldnt let that get to me. but I do.
I feel fuckin gross. I need to look forward to something... I'm not right now. Maybe I can look forward to next year and stuff. There's the potential for it to be a good time. If I want to make it one. Because now I know what to expect of this place and what I can do to make myself happy from the start.
ehhhhhhhh.
I had more. It left me.
I wish people would fuckin talk to me more.
I miss them.
Tomorrow shall be long and busy. Maybe that will be good for a change. 9:00 psych, trudge back here, go swimming, trudge to Neville, trudge back here, trudge to work at 6, and trudge to our fucking hall meeting about some stupid fuck burning down a bulletin board. I actually thought it was pretty comical friday night when I went down to look at it completely hammered. hahhaha. There was something just comical about the fact that.. well.. someone would be that stupid to think they could get away with it. I'd love to get into a criminal's mind. No one ever gets away with crimes that are noticed. What would make them think they would??? I dont know.
Im wondering about a couple of my friends tonight... I wonder if they ever think about me... the fun we've had. I know I would if i were them and in their current positions. Maybe that's selfish. I dunno. I miss them. We'll come together again someday when the time is right, I trust. And everything will be fine. Maybe I was too overbearing. I can't help it. Im sorry. I hope you hear me.
ok this is going nowhere. Too much time has been spent.
I'm alone in the world.
What's gonna change this.
I wish everybody posessed the ability to overlook my often intense face and stature.... and just know that it's not even me. You cant know jack shit about someone until you begin to try.
I know i'd probably never take my own advice, but open your mouth.
Fa real.