Acceptance.
i had the most awful dream last night. i didn't even remember how upset it made me until i listened to a few songs before i went downstairs for breakfast, and then it resurfaced. In it, i was writing some entrance exam for people applying to a job. We were given some (economic? marketing? mathematics model?) problem and had to prove that it works for some application. For some reason, i said it was impossible and was writing it in my solution when Kevin (guy who interviewed/hired me last summer at Scotia) came over, picked it up and took a look, and asked,
"Is this what you really think?".
i nodded.
"This is unacceptable," he shook his head in disappointment and proceeded to rip it up in front of everyone, "Get out of here."
So i sat outside, but continued trying to solve the problem when someone grabbed the paper out of my hands and crumbled it up. It turned out to be Jaffe (pervert who gave me the knee last year). i was so mad. i complained to an older coworker whom i've never met before (this is a dream, so...) about it, saying the perv had no right to destroy what i was working on, but the older coworker misunderstood the situation and said,
"But he can do that if he's protecting his department."
"But he's not! He's only doing this because i didn't like him back last year and now he's out to make my life even more miserable than it already is!"
On hearing this, the older coworker ran to catch up with the perv and yell at him, but before he even started, the perv began to cry.
The dream made me feel so weird afterwards. See, when i got that job at Scotia, it was as if everything in my life was finally working out. i was finally getting better grades, i knew they loved me during the interview, i even wrote a thank you letter (something i usually never bother with). But i felt like i started the job off on the wrong foot and that i didn't really learn much in those four months there, and it's haunted me ever since. It feels like i grew dumber or something. At bigger companies, when they don't have much for you to do, they don't care. But i was stupid and tried to look for work to keep busy and that's how they introduced me to Tin. In the end, i was so apathetic to the whole thing that when Tanya'd ask me to take walks with her after lunch, i sometimes did that and we'd run into Kevin, which does not look good. i never got in trouble for it, but it's weird, the guilt has stayed with me ever since.
As for the perv, it was like he symbolized, in this dream that is, the people who once took notice of me. i used to be naive and believe that i left a good impression on friends and these guys alike, but it never occurred to me that maybe i had left those guys bitter and hating me. Of course, i can't have the whole world liking me (not in that way, but as a person), but it really feels like i've left a horrible impression on everyone i've met, be it work people or people in general. Maybe that's what i've been thinking deep down for these past few months, that i'm a failure in my education, work life, and personal relationships. i've even found myself practicing how to say "failure" because for some bizarre reason, it's the one word i have trouble pronouncing. (And i've been in Canada for how long?)
i really ought to continue studying. Instead of sketching, which has been my current mode of escape for the past few days.
"Is this what you really think?".
i nodded.
"This is unacceptable," he shook his head in disappointment and proceeded to rip it up in front of everyone, "Get out of here."
So i sat outside, but continued trying to solve the problem when someone grabbed the paper out of my hands and crumbled it up. It turned out to be Jaffe (pervert who gave me the knee last year). i was so mad. i complained to an older coworker whom i've never met before (this is a dream, so...) about it, saying the perv had no right to destroy what i was working on, but the older coworker misunderstood the situation and said,
"But he can do that if he's protecting his department."
"But he's not! He's only doing this because i didn't like him back last year and now he's out to make my life even more miserable than it already is!"
On hearing this, the older coworker ran to catch up with the perv and yell at him, but before he even started, the perv began to cry.
The dream made me feel so weird afterwards. See, when i got that job at Scotia, it was as if everything in my life was finally working out. i was finally getting better grades, i knew they loved me during the interview, i even wrote a thank you letter (something i usually never bother with). But i felt like i started the job off on the wrong foot and that i didn't really learn much in those four months there, and it's haunted me ever since. It feels like i grew dumber or something. At bigger companies, when they don't have much for you to do, they don't care. But i was stupid and tried to look for work to keep busy and that's how they introduced me to Tin. In the end, i was so apathetic to the whole thing that when Tanya'd ask me to take walks with her after lunch, i sometimes did that and we'd run into Kevin, which does not look good. i never got in trouble for it, but it's weird, the guilt has stayed with me ever since.
As for the perv, it was like he symbolized, in this dream that is, the people who once took notice of me. i used to be naive and believe that i left a good impression on friends and these guys alike, but it never occurred to me that maybe i had left those guys bitter and hating me. Of course, i can't have the whole world liking me (not in that way, but as a person), but it really feels like i've left a horrible impression on everyone i've met, be it work people or people in general. Maybe that's what i've been thinking deep down for these past few months, that i'm a failure in my education, work life, and personal relationships. i've even found myself practicing how to say "failure" because for some bizarre reason, it's the one word i have trouble pronouncing. (And i've been in Canada for how long?)
i really ought to continue studying. Instead of sketching, which has been my current mode of escape for the past few days.