Make me Bad
This last weekend was odd because I had to rat out my sister (to my parents, yes, like a child) for doing something I thought was really wrong. My parents were at the beach for the weekend, and left my sister in charge. We were out at the bar on Friday night, having a great time with friends... first time I've been out drunkin in a LONG time. I go home early, cuz I always do. She goes home, and my brother has three friends over spending the night. Long story short, she allowed them to drink the 1/2 fifth of vodka I had left in her car and taste-test some evercelear she received as a gag-gift. First of all, I get extra worried when my parents aren't around for my brother. When I get to the house the next morning to hang out with lil bro, it was REAL obvious what had happened. I cried. I didn't know what to do other than to cry and get really upset. It was a weird outburst, telling Joe he had years before he was going to be introduced to alcohol and yelling at Natalie over the phone for never taking responsibility. It made me really sad because Joe thought it was really cool that he drank with his friends. Natalie decided to bring up that I had first experienced being drunk when I was 14 or so, in front of Joe... to me, my experience was many shades different. My friends and I would steal their parents' alcohol, it wasn't someone I desperately looked up to saying it was cool. ANYWAY, it was a big mess. Sunday morning, I decided that Joe was gonna tell my parents or I would. Natalie immediately starts throwing things about my past at me. Theres nothing to justify letting my 14-year-old brother believe its ok to drink at his age... or ever really. Why does he need to escape? He needs to maintain being able to have fun and enjoy people without help, hes just starting to socially develop.
Sunday Joe and I went to the Pet store to get a new fish tank for his $.25 radioactive, immortal Goldfish. They are nearly 7 years old. I saw a couple faces from people I haven't thought about in a LONG time. And that started the series of sightings...
1. This eccentric boy in my kindergarten class that I had a crush on. He dressed up like a bumble-bee for Halloween, had a nasal-sniffling problem and big brown eyes. Now hes man-ish.... woah... and thuggish.
2. A hard-knocks boy that I grew up with named Nathan living along Warner Parrot. He was awesome, we'd play basketball, he dated a bunch of my friends. ONCE, he dated two girls in elementary school.... admittedly, one for her personality and one for her looks. We were like 12, the girls knew and celebrated the sad realities of their romance. I had a crush on him. of course. I'm pretty sure his mom and sister still love in the house he used to. He went into the army shortly after the last time I saw him, don't remember when. One thing I remember about he and his sister was this 'scared dog' look in their eyes. The face of someone who was always criticized and had a chip on their shoulder because of it. Not in a bad way per say, they weren't assholes, you just knew there were some unfortunate deep-seated issues there. I saw his sister working at the Pet store in Oregon City, she looked just like him and just the same as she always did. Abused and very pretty.
3. When I was in High School I played on a softball team starting way back when I was 10. This girl joined our team sometime in middle school I think. Through High School she had a couple very TRAGIC things happen to her. Her parents were long divorced and remarried. The woman her dad remarried had Cancer and passed during our sophomore year. That same year, I believe (def within two), her younger brother got BADLY hit by a car and was in a coma, couldn't walk properly and suffered brain damage. I saw him today. He looked happy and he definitely recognized me.
I feel crazy when I see people that mark very distinct times in my life. Its like looking in a mirror. I always feel this connection and I wanna talk to them... and be CREEEEEEEPPPPY. I've done it before. Its always weird. I have this unsightly knack for feeling overly familiar with people that I have memories of, and I get SUPER emotional.
I like to feel kindred to many, its this weird familial intimacy that I need. I like feeling connected and emotionally out of control.
Today I spent some time despising my life, my lack of confidence and my lack of optimism for the future. I thought about the people I've surrounded myself with and how well they are doing, of course I did this as a mega-contrast to myself.
I'm getting REALLY fed up with it.
Sunday Joe and I went to the Pet store to get a new fish tank for his $.25 radioactive, immortal Goldfish. They are nearly 7 years old. I saw a couple faces from people I haven't thought about in a LONG time. And that started the series of sightings...
1. This eccentric boy in my kindergarten class that I had a crush on. He dressed up like a bumble-bee for Halloween, had a nasal-sniffling problem and big brown eyes. Now hes man-ish.... woah... and thuggish.
2. A hard-knocks boy that I grew up with named Nathan living along Warner Parrot. He was awesome, we'd play basketball, he dated a bunch of my friends. ONCE, he dated two girls in elementary school.... admittedly, one for her personality and one for her looks. We were like 12, the girls knew and celebrated the sad realities of their romance. I had a crush on him. of course. I'm pretty sure his mom and sister still love in the house he used to. He went into the army shortly after the last time I saw him, don't remember when. One thing I remember about he and his sister was this 'scared dog' look in their eyes. The face of someone who was always criticized and had a chip on their shoulder because of it. Not in a bad way per say, they weren't assholes, you just knew there were some unfortunate deep-seated issues there. I saw his sister working at the Pet store in Oregon City, she looked just like him and just the same as she always did. Abused and very pretty.
3. When I was in High School I played on a softball team starting way back when I was 10. This girl joined our team sometime in middle school I think. Through High School she had a couple very TRAGIC things happen to her. Her parents were long divorced and remarried. The woman her dad remarried had Cancer and passed during our sophomore year. That same year, I believe (def within two), her younger brother got BADLY hit by a car and was in a coma, couldn't walk properly and suffered brain damage. I saw him today. He looked happy and he definitely recognized me.
I feel crazy when I see people that mark very distinct times in my life. Its like looking in a mirror. I always feel this connection and I wanna talk to them... and be CREEEEEEEPPPPY. I've done it before. Its always weird. I have this unsightly knack for feeling overly familiar with people that I have memories of, and I get SUPER emotional.
I like to feel kindred to many, its this weird familial intimacy that I need. I like feeling connected and emotionally out of control.
Today I spent some time despising my life, my lack of confidence and my lack of optimism for the future. I thought about the people I've surrounded myself with and how well they are doing, of course I did this as a mega-contrast to myself.
I'm getting REALLY fed up with it.