And isn't it Ironic.... Dontcha think.
Yes, I listened to Jagged Little Pill today. Incredible still.
Since I found out about my friend Shanna's wedding I've been planning the trip to Idaho. For some reason to me, this event was going to be the culmination of many years spent hanging out with that crowd. Many life experiences gone through. TONS of fun people to see and catch up with. The selfishly most important reason to go to Idaho? Steve. My first and the man that made me feel the best about myself (don't laugh Sman). 5 years ago and I'm still shook. I've been planning for at least 3 months, then I got an expensive speeding ticket last month that flushed it all. This weekend was really hard for me. Not going to Idaho to see all those people was like the end of an era. The worse realization is when I thought about the "catching up" portion of any of those conversations:
Dating anyone? No.
What are you doing now? I rent cars.
Did you get your degree? ha, nuh-uh.
Where are you living now? West Linn (?). Well, right across the OC bridge anyway.
And so many more. Wow, I cried nearly all weekend.
On a different note- I had lunch with my Area manager on Wednesday and talked about my "career" with Enterprise. I explained to him that I need to explore my options because at this point I am not enjoying my job or performing at the level of excellence that I'd like to, and I have to find out whether its the job, my current environment, or me. Poor guy. It was such a surprise to him, like nothing negative about our branch had ever been passed along. Like I was the quiet middle child that was just chugging along the whole time at a mediocre pace. He made it clear that I am not mediocre and that I do not need to fixate on sales, I'm doing a good job. I wish I could explain more specifically (because it would be a great release), but its tedious and boring. Anyway, I do have options and he is going to make that happen. I'm VERY nervous. I don't interview well and I never begin with a lot of confidence, so when I've honed the skills necessary for the dynamics of my current placement, I have a real hard time leaving.
Theres been this guy I've known for (apparently, though its flown) 2 years, and I've always really enjoyed flirting with him, being there for him.... just a good friend, thats a girl. He and I have definitely had our moments that cross the line of friendship. His character surprises me at times, very different from the typecast I had him in. I have a tendency to, as soon as I realize that I might have a chance with a person I DO like, set them up with someone else. Its like a test, you see. This weekend marks the 4th test. I set up Jarrod with another friend of mine that he has A LOT in common with. I've talked myself through it, I do want them to be together. He and I would never work out in the long run. However currently, its hard to find an available and attentive person (yep, equal-opp kinda girl). He asked about my life more than many. Even if I don't answer more than five words- everybody knows thats the most important part of any conversation, the genuine exchange. Erin and Jarrod will be good together.
Earlier in the week I had a really difficult conversation with my dad. I'll start with this, my brother has very little policing, less than my sister and WAY less than myself. I feel like an OLD person when I say this, but (in my day, ha) it was understood that you earn respect and trust rather than have it be handed to you. My brother doesn't understand that. He is 14 years old, has a cell phone (good thing), has no extra curricular activities, bad grades, and a bad-lookin group of friends. It pains me to even point all of those things out. He is amazing. My brother is an incredible person. He loves so much. Anyway, I'm a bitch to him a lot. Lately, after that episode that he tried to cover up, very stern and black-and-white about how I feel. So, when I'm around or on the phone with him, and hes leaving to go hang out with his friends... I say things like "Are you guys gonna go do drugs?" "Don't do drugs." "Are your friends gonna score some weed?" Silly shit like that, and I hound him sometimes. He gets a little mad every once in awhile, I dunno, its just how I feel I should be. I guess he mentioned that it makes him uncomfortable to my dad. Does my dad say: "Well, your sister worries about ya," blow it off and leave it between us? No no no. I don't know when this man is going to fucking GET WITH IT, but I'm so done with any conversation that he initiates. He calls me while I'm at work, thankfully nobody is there. Throughout, in my head all I can hear is "You are not his parent. I am the parent. I am the best parent in the world. You know nothing." and finally, "I am better than you, know more than you do and you need to stop whatever you think is right" He actually said, "Joe has been a little upset about how much guff you are giving him about drugs, and I would like you to back off the subject for awhile" I wish I could explain every word and tone. I've had similar conversations with my sister, they all think I'm being to hard on him. All I could say at the time was, "okay" and immediately hang up. Then sobbing ensues, at work. I call him back, not able to hold back the crying. Told him, that I really don't care how he thinks I should be handling it. Joe is at the most crucial point in his life with this subject. He doesn't do anything but hang out with his group of friends that HAVE PROVEN they are not the best. They go and hang out at the places that I used to when I was doing bad things. I barely had time to get into trouble, I can't imagine what you could do with NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Most importantly in my opinion, he doesn't have anyone to look up to. He doesn't have any over-achieving, stellar people in his peer-group to put things into perspective how he should be. Finally, I told him that Natalie and I play a very big part in what Joe looks up to because hes at the point where he is figuring out his individual identity. He rebels. Natalie and I are still in the "cool zone" er whatever. I want to serve as the best example possible. I've never smoked or drank around Joe for that reason, I think its wrong. My favorite thing is when I stop talking and my dad realizes hes made a huge mistake in even challenging me on this, fumbling over words, disconnected phrases "I wasn't aware that you put that much thought into it," etc. Self-righteousness with condescension is masterful. I've learned it myself. One point that he made in our first conversation... that is the furthest from his strong point, is positive reinforcement. My brother needs positivity in general. Joe and I got into a fight on the 4th of July, I won't go into it.... along the same lines, I picked him up from his friends' house for "no reason". It was the saddest thing I've ever heard, "What do you think its like being around dad all day? Being in this house with nobody to talk to. You guys leave whenever you want to. Mom and Dad can leave when they want to do something with their friends, you do too." My god, he is so lonely. Its breaks my heart, I love him so much.
I had Thursday and Friday off because I thought I was going to Idaho. Thursday night I went to Brewfest with Beth, Serena, Nan, Gennie and her husband, Keith. Everyone agrees Keith is too good for Gennie. Gennie is usually the most negative shrew you will ever meet... that night, she was MUCH BETTER. I had a GREAT TIME. Drinking real beer makes me drunk like I'm stoned. Happy and floaty. Surprised to see my uncle Geoff was playing the bagpipes at the Brewfest, that was cool, made me feel all proud and silly.
I broke out my art supplies for the first time in a year. Made some weird thing for my apartment and painted a little. I hope to continue.
Since I found out about my friend Shanna's wedding I've been planning the trip to Idaho. For some reason to me, this event was going to be the culmination of many years spent hanging out with that crowd. Many life experiences gone through. TONS of fun people to see and catch up with. The selfishly most important reason to go to Idaho? Steve. My first and the man that made me feel the best about myself (don't laugh Sman). 5 years ago and I'm still shook. I've been planning for at least 3 months, then I got an expensive speeding ticket last month that flushed it all. This weekend was really hard for me. Not going to Idaho to see all those people was like the end of an era. The worse realization is when I thought about the "catching up" portion of any of those conversations:
Dating anyone? No.
What are you doing now? I rent cars.
Did you get your degree? ha, nuh-uh.
Where are you living now? West Linn (?). Well, right across the OC bridge anyway.
And so many more. Wow, I cried nearly all weekend.
On a different note- I had lunch with my Area manager on Wednesday and talked about my "career" with Enterprise. I explained to him that I need to explore my options because at this point I am not enjoying my job or performing at the level of excellence that I'd like to, and I have to find out whether its the job, my current environment, or me. Poor guy. It was such a surprise to him, like nothing negative about our branch had ever been passed along. Like I was the quiet middle child that was just chugging along the whole time at a mediocre pace. He made it clear that I am not mediocre and that I do not need to fixate on sales, I'm doing a good job. I wish I could explain more specifically (because it would be a great release), but its tedious and boring. Anyway, I do have options and he is going to make that happen. I'm VERY nervous. I don't interview well and I never begin with a lot of confidence, so when I've honed the skills necessary for the dynamics of my current placement, I have a real hard time leaving.
Theres been this guy I've known for (apparently, though its flown) 2 years, and I've always really enjoyed flirting with him, being there for him.... just a good friend, thats a girl. He and I have definitely had our moments that cross the line of friendship. His character surprises me at times, very different from the typecast I had him in. I have a tendency to, as soon as I realize that I might have a chance with a person I DO like, set them up with someone else. Its like a test, you see. This weekend marks the 4th test. I set up Jarrod with another friend of mine that he has A LOT in common with. I've talked myself through it, I do want them to be together. He and I would never work out in the long run. However currently, its hard to find an available and attentive person (yep, equal-opp kinda girl). He asked about my life more than many. Even if I don't answer more than five words- everybody knows thats the most important part of any conversation, the genuine exchange. Erin and Jarrod will be good together.
Earlier in the week I had a really difficult conversation with my dad. I'll start with this, my brother has very little policing, less than my sister and WAY less than myself. I feel like an OLD person when I say this, but (in my day, ha) it was understood that you earn respect and trust rather than have it be handed to you. My brother doesn't understand that. He is 14 years old, has a cell phone (good thing), has no extra curricular activities, bad grades, and a bad-lookin group of friends. It pains me to even point all of those things out. He is amazing. My brother is an incredible person. He loves so much. Anyway, I'm a bitch to him a lot. Lately, after that episode that he tried to cover up, very stern and black-and-white about how I feel. So, when I'm around or on the phone with him, and hes leaving to go hang out with his friends... I say things like "Are you guys gonna go do drugs?" "Don't do drugs." "Are your friends gonna score some weed?" Silly shit like that, and I hound him sometimes. He gets a little mad every once in awhile, I dunno, its just how I feel I should be. I guess he mentioned that it makes him uncomfortable to my dad. Does my dad say: "Well, your sister worries about ya," blow it off and leave it between us? No no no. I don't know when this man is going to fucking GET WITH IT, but I'm so done with any conversation that he initiates. He calls me while I'm at work, thankfully nobody is there. Throughout, in my head all I can hear is "You are not his parent. I am the parent. I am the best parent in the world. You know nothing." and finally, "I am better than you, know more than you do and you need to stop whatever you think is right" He actually said, "Joe has been a little upset about how much guff you are giving him about drugs, and I would like you to back off the subject for awhile" I wish I could explain every word and tone. I've had similar conversations with my sister, they all think I'm being to hard on him. All I could say at the time was, "okay" and immediately hang up. Then sobbing ensues, at work. I call him back, not able to hold back the crying. Told him, that I really don't care how he thinks I should be handling it. Joe is at the most crucial point in his life with this subject. He doesn't do anything but hang out with his group of friends that HAVE PROVEN they are not the best. They go and hang out at the places that I used to when I was doing bad things. I barely had time to get into trouble, I can't imagine what you could do with NOTHING ELSE TO DO. Most importantly in my opinion, he doesn't have anyone to look up to. He doesn't have any over-achieving, stellar people in his peer-group to put things into perspective how he should be. Finally, I told him that Natalie and I play a very big part in what Joe looks up to because hes at the point where he is figuring out his individual identity. He rebels. Natalie and I are still in the "cool zone" er whatever. I want to serve as the best example possible. I've never smoked or drank around Joe for that reason, I think its wrong. My favorite thing is when I stop talking and my dad realizes hes made a huge mistake in even challenging me on this, fumbling over words, disconnected phrases "I wasn't aware that you put that much thought into it," etc. Self-righteousness with condescension is masterful. I've learned it myself. One point that he made in our first conversation... that is the furthest from his strong point, is positive reinforcement. My brother needs positivity in general. Joe and I got into a fight on the 4th of July, I won't go into it.... along the same lines, I picked him up from his friends' house for "no reason". It was the saddest thing I've ever heard, "What do you think its like being around dad all day? Being in this house with nobody to talk to. You guys leave whenever you want to. Mom and Dad can leave when they want to do something with their friends, you do too." My god, he is so lonely. Its breaks my heart, I love him so much.
I had Thursday and Friday off because I thought I was going to Idaho. Thursday night I went to Brewfest with Beth, Serena, Nan, Gennie and her husband, Keith. Everyone agrees Keith is too good for Gennie. Gennie is usually the most negative shrew you will ever meet... that night, she was MUCH BETTER. I had a GREAT TIME. Drinking real beer makes me drunk like I'm stoned. Happy and floaty. Surprised to see my uncle Geoff was playing the bagpipes at the Brewfest, that was cool, made me feel all proud and silly.
I broke out my art supplies for the first time in a year. Made some weird thing for my apartment and painted a little. I hope to continue.