Pretty Shitty
The day begins.
DAD: *sticking his head in the doorway* The bad news is that there was a terrible ice storm.
MY HOPES: *get up*
ANGELIC CHORUS IN MY HEAD: Hhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaalll---
DAD: The good news is that it's nowhere near here!
ANGELIC CHORUS IN MY HEAD: ---eeeeeehh...?
ME: Son of a bitch.
Not a good way to start the day after yesterday.. I informed my dad over breakfast that getting my hopes up like that is very hazardous to one's health.
I was pretty vague in my post yesterday, so I guess I'd better explain that before I get into today..
Pretty much my depression decided it was time to crank things up. A tumult of rage, despair, and everything in between ensued. The emotions were thick and choking, and I became argumentative and quite snarly. Finally, it came to be too much and I just shut up, shut out, and shut down. Severed the ties between myself and my emotions and drifted for a while, letting my concept of myself fade into the background. Quiet, simple existence, just simmering in hollow melancholy. My mom tried to pry what was wrong out of me, but of course I had no idea what had triggered the emotional onslaught. This only frustrated both of us. At this point there was a tinge of fear to the depression as well. Things haven't been this bad in so very, very long. I haven't had to shut down in a long time. It came back so easily, throwing a barrier up between the world and myself, stewing in an almost catatonic state. I ended the day finally breaking down and crying to my mom - about how much I hate living here, about how nobody here gives a flying fuck about me, etc. I got the same assurance as always: Things will be better when I go to college, where people will be more mature and share more of my interests. That's all well and good, but that doesn't solve anything right now. I need things to be fixed now. It's irrational and impossible, but it's what I need.
Today sucked also, but not as much. Nothing really worth commenting on about today. Oh, but one of my history teachers did give me a packet about AP Geography and told me I would be a good candidate for it, and that he had to turn people down for it and so he wanted to make sure that he got some people who he knows will work well in it. Pretty nice that teachers at least notice me. But geography? Ew. I hate history, all history, with a passion. I don't think I'd be able to stand it. Besides, I'm already planning on taking two other AP classes - English and Psychology. I don't want to overload myself too much.. But if it counts for college credit...? I don't know. I do know that I will most likely have to take a full year of US History next year, because I found out that it's required for graduation.. So that's three full-year classes I have established. That leaves only three slots open for classes I can chill in. And I know it would benefit me to take a math class next year, because I opted not to this year, as I have all the math credits I need to graduate.. And that means that if I don't take a math course next year, I'll be really rusty math-wise when I hit college. I was kind of hoping my senior year would be way more laid back.. But college.. I don't know. In my confused tumult of emotion, I've been bandying about the idea of following in my brother's footsteps and just not going to college.. It would save the family money, and me stress. But it would limit my opportunities. I would be really, really depending on getting lucky with my writing. Right now what I'm thinking of doing with my life is becoming a librarian, while I write on the side, until I get my big break in publishing. But I think even librarians have to have some sort of degree..
Ugh, this is useless. I'm not getting anywhere, chasing my tail about this. Moving on.
For the first time in a long time, I wore the shirt that I bought especially for Edward's and my first date. I've only really not been wearing it because there's a white paint stain on the back of it [and it's a black shirt, like most I wear], likely from Art Club last year, and it irritates me. But it's pretty cold here still, so I knew I'd be wearing a jacket all day. So I decided to wear it for the variety. Maybe it was because of this, but Edward was on my mind. That did nothing to alleviate my depression, and I got so irritated/depressed/tired that I decided not to go to see The Vagina Monologues in support of V-Day. It lost its appeal under the muck of depression.
I'm almost done reading Ship of Destiny, and really should start Water for Elephants soon if I want to have it read in time for the next Book Club meeting.. But I'm not sure if I even want to continue going to Book Club. So far all their book choices have sucked, and nobody even notices I'm there anyway. The one place where I thought I had the best chance of finding friends.
So.. yeah. I guess this has been my disorganized rant about the past two days.
The only good thing about yesterday: There has been a mass protest of Scientology all over the world in over 100 locations. I think the last count was that 10,000 people participated. The best part? It was all organized by internet folks - like the awesome people over at Anonymous. They've been hacking into Scientology databases and posting their "top secret" documents up for everyone to see online for quite a time now. For more on this awesome event, go to
cleolinda's journal entry about it. The very best part, though? This macro of some protesters.
DAD: *sticking his head in the doorway* The bad news is that there was a terrible ice storm.
MY HOPES: *get up*
ANGELIC CHORUS IN MY HEAD: Hhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaalll---
DAD: The good news is that it's nowhere near here!
ANGELIC CHORUS IN MY HEAD: ---eeeeeehh...?
ME: Son of a bitch.
Not a good way to start the day after yesterday.. I informed my dad over breakfast that getting my hopes up like that is very hazardous to one's health.
I was pretty vague in my post yesterday, so I guess I'd better explain that before I get into today..
Pretty much my depression decided it was time to crank things up. A tumult of rage, despair, and everything in between ensued. The emotions were thick and choking, and I became argumentative and quite snarly. Finally, it came to be too much and I just shut up, shut out, and shut down. Severed the ties between myself and my emotions and drifted for a while, letting my concept of myself fade into the background. Quiet, simple existence, just simmering in hollow melancholy. My mom tried to pry what was wrong out of me, but of course I had no idea what had triggered the emotional onslaught. This only frustrated both of us. At this point there was a tinge of fear to the depression as well. Things haven't been this bad in so very, very long. I haven't had to shut down in a long time. It came back so easily, throwing a barrier up between the world and myself, stewing in an almost catatonic state. I ended the day finally breaking down and crying to my mom - about how much I hate living here, about how nobody here gives a flying fuck about me, etc. I got the same assurance as always: Things will be better when I go to college, where people will be more mature and share more of my interests. That's all well and good, but that doesn't solve anything right now. I need things to be fixed now. It's irrational and impossible, but it's what I need.
Today sucked also, but not as much. Nothing really worth commenting on about today. Oh, but one of my history teachers did give me a packet about AP Geography and told me I would be a good candidate for it, and that he had to turn people down for it and so he wanted to make sure that he got some people who he knows will work well in it. Pretty nice that teachers at least notice me. But geography? Ew. I hate history, all history, with a passion. I don't think I'd be able to stand it. Besides, I'm already planning on taking two other AP classes - English and Psychology. I don't want to overload myself too much.. But if it counts for college credit...? I don't know. I do know that I will most likely have to take a full year of US History next year, because I found out that it's required for graduation.. So that's three full-year classes I have established. That leaves only three slots open for classes I can chill in. And I know it would benefit me to take a math class next year, because I opted not to this year, as I have all the math credits I need to graduate.. And that means that if I don't take a math course next year, I'll be really rusty math-wise when I hit college. I was kind of hoping my senior year would be way more laid back.. But college.. I don't know. In my confused tumult of emotion, I've been bandying about the idea of following in my brother's footsteps and just not going to college.. It would save the family money, and me stress. But it would limit my opportunities. I would be really, really depending on getting lucky with my writing. Right now what I'm thinking of doing with my life is becoming a librarian, while I write on the side, until I get my big break in publishing. But I think even librarians have to have some sort of degree..
Ugh, this is useless. I'm not getting anywhere, chasing my tail about this. Moving on.
For the first time in a long time, I wore the shirt that I bought especially for Edward's and my first date. I've only really not been wearing it because there's a white paint stain on the back of it [and it's a black shirt, like most I wear], likely from Art Club last year, and it irritates me. But it's pretty cold here still, so I knew I'd be wearing a jacket all day. So I decided to wear it for the variety. Maybe it was because of this, but Edward was on my mind. That did nothing to alleviate my depression, and I got so irritated/depressed/tired that I decided not to go to see The Vagina Monologues in support of V-Day. It lost its appeal under the muck of depression.
I'm almost done reading Ship of Destiny, and really should start Water for Elephants soon if I want to have it read in time for the next Book Club meeting.. But I'm not sure if I even want to continue going to Book Club. So far all their book choices have sucked, and nobody even notices I'm there anyway. The one place where I thought I had the best chance of finding friends.
So.. yeah. I guess this has been my disorganized rant about the past two days.
The only good thing about yesterday: There has been a mass protest of Scientology all over the world in over 100 locations. I think the last count was that 10,000 people participated. The best part? It was all organized by internet folks - like the awesome people over at Anonymous. They've been hacking into Scientology databases and posting their "top secret" documents up for everyone to see online for quite a time now. For more on this awesome event, go to
cleolinda's journal entry about it. The very best part, though? This macro of some protesters.
