things are dark today
Today I feel lost and everything feels dark. I hate feeling this way. I wish I knew how to make this feelings go away. Somedays I can push these feelings a side and move on . I seen My Dad last night, he and my step mom brought some gifts for the kids. It was hard to see them knowing how they feel about me, I don't understand why I am not good enough for them. I love my Dad but I know that I will never have a relationship with him. I really miss my mom, this was her time of year. My heart aches to feel her love and her hugs. I wish she was still alive to tell me everything was going to be ok. I feel so lost anymore, its so hard to go on. I try so hard to deal with the dark feelings I have and the hate I feel inside me. I know that I will grow old alone and I try to prepare myself for that. Its hard to know how to deal with that. But I know that is the way it has to be. I will not allow myself to love another person for fear of hurting them with my darkness. I will not allow anyone in to feel the way I do. The people in this world all seem so happy and I just wish I could feel a third of that. I must have a lot to learn in this life that I didn't learn in the past one. I search everyday to figure that out. I wish I could take back the pain I has caused other people. There are things I wish I could say to make others understand the darkness in my heart, but there are not words to describe it. So all I can do is never allow anyone to get that close again. I do not know how long I have left in this world to feel this lonelyness but I will try to keep going. For we do not have the knowledge to know why we are here and for how long. I feel the pain of others and I do not know how to deal with it or how to take it away. I think it is a punishment of some kind. Maybe someday when I have pasted on things will get brighter, but for now it is very dark. Learning to live in darkness is a very hard thing to do.