(no subject)
i stayed in all day today. whether i was truly sick, or sick because i made myelf that way, i guess i'll never know. for some reason that i'll never understand i put my sweet 16 tape into the vcr and watched some of my candle ceremony, and there you were. we were so young, but you could feel and see the love between us. the speech for you was goofy, it was all of our jokes that we made up because we were 15 and 16 years old, but to us, it was love. we had a rough ending, but being able to literally look back at particular blips of our relationship, i wouldn't trade it for the world. and then i called you up, and they dj started playing slide, and i died, or wanted to at least. how could i have possibly let us slip between the cracks? how could i let us be the stereotypical relationship that thinks they're going to make it through college, meanwhile everyone around us knows we're not going to? i thought we could prove them wrong, i guess you could say we almost did. i know you don't want me as your girlfriend, and truthfully, i guess i don't blame you. but i miss you more than you'll ever know. i took you for granted, as a boyfriend, and as a best friend. so much of me is missing, because you have it. when i felt like i had nothing left in the world, i was still secure, because i had you. i thought i could change things this break, but i ran out of time, and ideas, just like i knew i would. who would have thought i would be scared to call the person who used to walk into my house in the morning and crawl into the other side of my bed and fall asleep? now that i know you're home, my bed is so lonely, and so fucking empty. i'm so fucking empty. i can't change what happened, but i wish i could. people say they would "give anything" to go back in time,but when i say it, i really mean it. i would be willing to go through hell and back to see you again. i would give up anything i had, my most prized posession, to go back in time, and be able to realize what i had. i hate learning the hard way, because everytime i went through something difficult i always had you to fall back on, always. whether i was right or wrong, you were always backing me up. when i felt like this in the past, you always helped me realize how good i had it, even when things never seemed to be going right. you met me after my cousin's funeral, even though we were only dating about a week, or maybe we weren't even dating, and you walked with me around the block a couple of times. you met me on landau and just let me cry hysterically in your arms until i was okay enough to go back home. you were there for me before every single math b test, because i was always a nervous wreck. you wrote me notes telling me it was such a small part of such a big day, and you were always there cheering me up when i always got the test back and always got a bad grade. i remember the first time you told me your screename was tim4life. "tim the number four life," behind the bank on tulip avenue. and i wanted to talk to you so badly i went online on my phone even though it costed so much money. i remember in school we both had 5 minute passes, except i would still leave certain classes even when mine was over just to see you. i remember the day you had your surgery, and what a wreck i was, and i don't even think i was your girlfriend. i remember the day you got your license. watching you turn the corner of the yellow hallway with the biggest smile on your face, wearing the black northface that i bought you. i remember the day of my road test. you were at marist, but you were there for me every second of the way. you had faith in me when i didn't. you really became a part of me, and now half of me is missing, and i feel that physically and emotionally.
i just can't live with myself anymore.
i'm sorry i didn't let you break up with me when you were a senior.
i just can't live with myself anymore.
i'm sorry i didn't let you break up with me when you were a senior.