Right now, can't find a way to get across the hate when I see you...
Today was the day of the past. It seemed like every conversation I took part in today revolved around something that has happened…something that I’ve tried very hard to bury. Somehow it always seems to resurface.
First was family. Kate and I engaged in a rather strenuous conversation about our families. It just sort of popped up during third hour. How strange. It actually arose some anger deep inside of me. Anger I thought I had gotten past…apparently not because I still felt like bawling my eyes out afterward. What I wouldn’t give for a "normal" family…maybe compared to others mine is “normal”…from the outside we look it, but we’re not. And I suppose what bothers me the most out of all of it is my grandmother. I can’t ever remember feeling any love toward that woman…
I’m not sure I ever will.
But I didn’t write this entry to tell you about my family. I didn’t write this entry to tell you about anything really. This is more for me. I don’t understand where all these feelings are coming from…why they won’t just...go away.
I was at my friend’s house tonight. We were listening to a tape that her ex boyfriend and my ex friend made for her. It was basically a tape of him saying everything that came to his mind about his feelings for her. Although it was rather boring, it was also quite amusing. Funny to think that stupid bastard still wanted to be around after all the shit he put us through.
He said some things about me that really bothered me. He said that I “helped” him. Yeah…after he had manipulated me into it…made me feel guilty for not wanting to help him. He said that I was always “touching” him. -rolls my eyes- Whatever…you wish, fucker. He had this obsession with thinking that I liked him. Okay…yeah in the beginning maybe, but once he was with my friend that all changed. I only wanted to be his friend, and the fucker used me like every other guy before him.
Remembering all the nights I sat on the phone with him…all the times I let him come over…every time I hugged him, talked to him, told him I cared about him. Ugh…it makes my stomach turn. Or how bout the fact that he single handedly fucked over my relationship with Allison the first time around…that he had to know every single detail about her, and everything we talked about.
I was so stupid.
I hate him with such an undying passion. It comes from the deepest part of my soul…I loathe and despise him. The thought of him makes me cringe. The sight of him makes me physically ill. I hate him. There is no one else that has ever made me feel such anger…such utter animosity.
He’s tried so many things to hurt me. I think the funniest thing about it is there is no real reason for it. He was jealous maybe? After we both lost her, he wasn’t the one who got her back…I was.
He’ll always hate me for that.
But I think my greatest revenge was not an intended revenge. Nor did I even think of it as that until recently. In his eyes that’s probably what it was, but to me…I was just getting my friend back.
He wanted Allison and I to be apart…he didn’t like that we were close and she was coming to me instead of him. So he tore us apart because he knew that he could…and he knew that it would hurt.
Well, Rob…look at us now. She knows me inside and out…she’s my sister; my best friend. You thought you could tear us apart? You only made us stronger. You only made us realize how much we needed each other to get through things. And now we are inseparable. You helped us do that. You helped us grow; become stronger. You helped us be as close as we are today.
Thank you.
I hope you feel stupid.
I hope you are crushed.
Because you were stupid enough to lose not one, but two wonderful people that truly cared about you.
I hope you toss and turn in the darkness of the night
I hope it sits in the back of your mind
Because you deserve the torture after what you put us through
I hope it haunts you.
I hope you never forget.
Because you don't deserve the satisfaction.
I hope it hurts to see her happy without you.
I hope it kills you to see us together
Because it's what you tried so hard to prevent.
Feel free to put your foot in your mouth at any time.
And I hope you fucking choke on it.