(no subject)
my life is dictated by an image of a closed envelope. at work, i am constantly searching for this envelope in the form of an outlook icon indicating new mail from a sexy supervisor. at home, i am constantly searching for this icon on my phone as an indication of a text message from potentially a boy that brings flutters to my stomach. it brings me great distress to be obsessed with this icon 24/7. i also don't understand why i cannot like a normal, nice guy that feels the same about me. instead i search for the married, the unaccesible, the emotionally traumatized, i am drawn to the ones that ignore me, that use me and if for a second i am attracted to a keeper, as soon as i get close enough i want nothing to do with them and run far, far into the other direction. it is painful to finally attain something, after longing, desiring and dreaming up wonderful expectations, and upon achievment, your dreams are shattered with the harsh truth of reality. nobody can live up to the expectations i set for them, nobody. and this is why i keep them far, don't try to bring them close, and attach myself to the ones who will keep me far. i guess freud would blame my father for this one.