(no subject)
I'm thinkin about how half-assed i've lived my life.. realizing that what i truly lack is the ability to follow through. I spent my high school career pretty jaded. Keeping casual friendships that benefited me, kept people around who encouraged me and caused me to feel loved. Now too lazy or not caring enough to stay in touch with them. I play music in my room.. i do "the church thing" knowing that what i really want to do is live out Christ.. but then comes the inability to follow through. I feel like i haven't really lived. I've fallen into the habit of gossip and just hatred.... the point of this entry is this... i'm extremely dissatisfied with the way i've lived my life thus far. I don't buy it when people say it's too late to change, that "we are who we are and nothing can change that". i want to stop relying on relationships as a means to feel supported or encouraged, but turn them into an opportunity to give love to people. I feel like i have this huge heart that wants to love and just be honest and real and alive, but i hold it back or allow things to get in the way of that... aal;kwdjfawejf... i love life, i want to show it, i want to be in ittttttt. effing A lol