brain nonfunctioning
Somewhere between considering realism in unicorn!crack!fic and plotting out cuddy_fest space pirates!au!fic and rewatching The Labyrinth of Gedref for the five hundredth time to perfect my knowledge of unicorn lore in Merlin (for the record, my favourite scene in the episode is not the 'I WILL DIE FOR YOU' of TRUE DESTINY but the one where Morgana asks for food and Arthur and Merlin smirk, because obviously they're going to feed her the rat stew now), my brain short-circuited and is currently stuck in crack!AU!mode. I cannot function normally anymore. I can't write, I can't think.
For instance, it feels perfectly normal that House 6.03 should call for the AU where House and Wilson are famous television chefs, possibly currently hosting something like Top Chef, where the Ducklings and D2 are competitors (SPOILER ALERT: AMBER WINS). Cuddy, of course, is the harangued executive producer, struggling to keep the show alive against all odds, because Edward Vogler, the Evil Network Boss, wants to cancel the show in favour of a reality show featuring Speidi.
It feels perfectly normal to read this (very highly recommended) BSG fusion AU (if you're familiar with both 'verses) and think how Uther/Arthur/Morgana = = Bill/Lee/Kara and then imagine the AU where Galactica crew find Earth-and Camelot. And Uther is all 'MAAAGIC! I KEEL YOU!', before Roslin takes matters into her hands ('You're being unreasonable, Your Majesty. Now why don't we have a… rational discussion?'). Arthur, after initial wariness, is very pleased to meet one Mr. Lee Adama.
Lee: (after a few glasses of wine) Sometimes I fear my father is disappointed in me.
Arthur: So do I!
Lee: Also he believes in TOUGH LOVE, which is hard.
Arthur: I know!
Lee: And I have manpain.
Arthur: I KNOW! And this one time I nearly drowned in a lake, and-
Lee: So did I! Although mine was more of a metaphorical lake.
Arthur: Do you also sometimes suspect that your father loves your sort-of sister more than he loves you?
Lee: (chokes) She's not my sister.
Meanwhile, Morgana is teaching Kara how to fight with sticks and swords. Gwen is helping her wear chainmail, and Merlin is just… there, being very supportive and enthusiastic and running errands for Kara, much to Arthur's chagrin.
Arthur: Hey! That's MY manservant! I say, why has your sister stolen my manservant?
Lee: She's not- You're a bit of a prat, aren't you?
And, and, the Quidditch fusion AU, where Morgana Le Fay is Seeker for the Holyhead Harpies (even though her name or her surname does not begin with a 'G', and no, her middle name doesn't either, and NO SHE IS NOT CHANGING HER NAME). Her rivalry with Arthur Pendragon (who also happens to be her stepbrother)-currently Beater and Captain of the Montrose Magpies-is legendary, ranging back from their Hogwarts days (Arthur took great pleasure in aiming every Bludger at Morgana's head; however, Slytherin usually won). The Harpies, however, lost their British and Irish League as well as their European League matches to the Magpies the previous season, much to Morgana's dismay (which was further increased when the Quidditch Today only printed a tiny, five-page interview of hers and DID AN ENTIRE PHOTOSHOOT WITH ARTHUR). Meanwhile, Morgana may or may not be harbouring longstanding… feelings for Guinevere Smith, the Daily Prophet's Quidditch correspondent (their unlikely friendship did not endear Morgana to some of her more prejudiced Pureblood housemates, but frankly, she did not-does not-give a damn), and Arthur may or may not have struck up a sort of friendship with Merlin (not the heir of Merlin, no really, that's not funny), Gaius'-the Magpies' team physician and his father's old friend-boy genius assistant, whose hobby is designing the perfect broom. Will the Harpies avenge their losses? Will Morgana be able to profess her complete, undying love for Gwen? Will Arthur get over his Daddy Issues (Uther Pendragon, former captain of the Magpies; ten straight wins in the British and Irish League, plus two European titles; England's star Seeker; current President of the national selection board; owner of 80 per cent Magpies shares)? Will Merlin design the perfect broom?
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Morgana Le Fay's lacklustre performance added to her team's woes. A shadow of her former self, La Fey ultimately fell for Sidhe's feint and failed to capture the Snitch, leading to the Harpies' worst defeat in recent years, not to mention their second straight loss in the league. If the Harpies continue to perform-
Morgana drops the paper on the ground. It doesn't help. She's read it already, enough times to know all the words by heart, enough that every alphabet burns.
A slight tap on the window pane. 'Hey, Los,' Morgana greets the small brown owl and takes the rolled up letter off its leg. The owl perches on Morgana's shoulder and nips softly at her ear.
We need to talk. Please, reads the familiar neat scrawl. Los nips at her ear again, a little harder this time. Morgana feels a little choked.
'Ow,' she tells the owl after the third, insistent nip, sharp enough to sting. 'That's my ear, you little monster.'
The owl glowers, surprisingly menacing for something its size.
'Go home,' Morgana tells the owl, wiping at the not-tears at the corner of one eye. The owl hoots, looking very stubborn.
'Go on, go home,' Morgana says again, giving it a little push with her hand. And this time it does, shooting disapproving glares on its way out.
Morgana folds up the letter and slips it alongside with the two others she couldn't not read (You were supposed to be here an hour ago. Morgana, are you upset?, says the first letter; This is my job. You know that, reads the second).
'I know it's your job,' Morgana tells the empty room. 'I'm not upset.' Perhaps just a little maudlin. Overemotional. Talking to herself. But not upset, why should she be? She is capable of handling constructive criticism, no matter what scandalous lies Arthur may choose to spread.
Sophia's blurry photo winks at her from the ground. BY GUINEVERE SMITH, mock the words on the page.
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See what I mean?
Help.
For instance, it feels perfectly normal that House 6.03 should call for the AU where House and Wilson are famous television chefs, possibly currently hosting something like Top Chef, where the Ducklings and D2 are competitors (SPOILER ALERT: AMBER WINS). Cuddy, of course, is the harangued executive producer, struggling to keep the show alive against all odds, because Edward Vogler, the Evil Network Boss, wants to cancel the show in favour of a reality show featuring Speidi.
It feels perfectly normal to read this (very highly recommended) BSG fusion AU (if you're familiar with both 'verses) and think how Uther/Arthur/Morgana = = Bill/Lee/Kara and then imagine the AU where Galactica crew find Earth-and Camelot. And Uther is all 'MAAAGIC! I KEEL YOU!', before Roslin takes matters into her hands ('You're being unreasonable, Your Majesty. Now why don't we have a… rational discussion?'). Arthur, after initial wariness, is very pleased to meet one Mr. Lee Adama.
Lee: (after a few glasses of wine) Sometimes I fear my father is disappointed in me.
Arthur: So do I!
Lee: Also he believes in TOUGH LOVE, which is hard.
Arthur: I know!
Lee: And I have manpain.
Arthur: I KNOW! And this one time I nearly drowned in a lake, and-
Lee: So did I! Although mine was more of a metaphorical lake.
Arthur: Do you also sometimes suspect that your father loves your sort-of sister more than he loves you?
Lee: (chokes) She's not my sister.
Meanwhile, Morgana is teaching Kara how to fight with sticks and swords. Gwen is helping her wear chainmail, and Merlin is just… there, being very supportive and enthusiastic and running errands for Kara, much to Arthur's chagrin.
Arthur: Hey! That's MY manservant! I say, why has your sister stolen my manservant?
Lee: She's not- You're a bit of a prat, aren't you?
And, and, the Quidditch fusion AU, where Morgana Le Fay is Seeker for the Holyhead Harpies (even though her name or her surname does not begin with a 'G', and no, her middle name doesn't either, and NO SHE IS NOT CHANGING HER NAME). Her rivalry with Arthur Pendragon (who also happens to be her stepbrother)-currently Beater and Captain of the Montrose Magpies-is legendary, ranging back from their Hogwarts days (Arthur took great pleasure in aiming every Bludger at Morgana's head; however, Slytherin usually won). The Harpies, however, lost their British and Irish League as well as their European League matches to the Magpies the previous season, much to Morgana's dismay (which was further increased when the Quidditch Today only printed a tiny, five-page interview of hers and DID AN ENTIRE PHOTOSHOOT WITH ARTHUR). Meanwhile, Morgana may or may not be harbouring longstanding… feelings for Guinevere Smith, the Daily Prophet's Quidditch correspondent (their unlikely friendship did not endear Morgana to some of her more prejudiced Pureblood housemates, but frankly, she did not-does not-give a damn), and Arthur may or may not have struck up a sort of friendship with Merlin (not the heir of Merlin, no really, that's not funny), Gaius'-the Magpies' team physician and his father's old friend-boy genius assistant, whose hobby is designing the perfect broom. Will the Harpies avenge their losses? Will Morgana be able to profess her complete, undying love for Gwen? Will Arthur get over his Daddy Issues (Uther Pendragon, former captain of the Magpies; ten straight wins in the British and Irish League, plus two European titles; England's star Seeker; current President of the national selection board; owner of 80 per cent Magpies shares)? Will Merlin design the perfect broom?
+
Morgana Le Fay's lacklustre performance added to her team's woes. A shadow of her former self, La Fey ultimately fell for Sidhe's feint and failed to capture the Snitch, leading to the Harpies' worst defeat in recent years, not to mention their second straight loss in the league. If the Harpies continue to perform-
Morgana drops the paper on the ground. It doesn't help. She's read it already, enough times to know all the words by heart, enough that every alphabet burns.
A slight tap on the window pane. 'Hey, Los,' Morgana greets the small brown owl and takes the rolled up letter off its leg. The owl perches on Morgana's shoulder and nips softly at her ear.
We need to talk. Please, reads the familiar neat scrawl. Los nips at her ear again, a little harder this time. Morgana feels a little choked.
'Ow,' she tells the owl after the third, insistent nip, sharp enough to sting. 'That's my ear, you little monster.'
The owl glowers, surprisingly menacing for something its size.
'Go home,' Morgana tells the owl, wiping at the not-tears at the corner of one eye. The owl hoots, looking very stubborn.
'Go on, go home,' Morgana says again, giving it a little push with her hand. And this time it does, shooting disapproving glares on its way out.
Morgana folds up the letter and slips it alongside with the two others she couldn't not read (You were supposed to be here an hour ago. Morgana, are you upset?, says the first letter; This is my job. You know that, reads the second).
'I know it's your job,' Morgana tells the empty room. 'I'm not upset.' Perhaps just a little maudlin. Overemotional. Talking to herself. But not upset, why should she be? She is capable of handling constructive criticism, no matter what scandalous lies Arthur may choose to spread.
Sophia's blurry photo winks at her from the ground. BY GUINEVERE SMITH, mock the words on the page.
+
See what I mean?
Help.