Frustration, Finances and Fernado
Click to viewABBA's "Fernando" has been playing a lot at work lately and now I find myself listening to it all the time. (Well, at least 50/50 with Steeleye Span's "King Henry". Holy frick, I freaking love that song ugh.) For some reason, which I have not been able to figure out, "Fernando" always makes me think of summer. It's not a song I was raised with it (in fact I only consciously heard it last year, and it had no real seasonal presence) and there's nothing connected to summer that I associate it with, but whenever I hear it I can't help but think of green grass, and blue sky and bare feet and sunburn.
It is beginning to seem like Spring here. We have had some warm, lovely, sunny days, and now we are into the coolness, and the gray and the drizzle that make me think of Misthelswaite Manor, days that swing between depressing and inspiring depending on your mood and musical choices.
For my birthday my family's now-absent friends (the ones who recently moved back to Washington) sent me a $25 giftcard to Amazon.com, and after debating for awhile, Anthony and I decided to go in together to get the full Ouran Host Club set, and ordered it tonight. It will be released tomorrow, so we'll have to wait awhile for it to show up, but I can't wait for it to get here. The show is so entertaining, and so silly, that I find it impossible not to be happy and giggly the rest of the after watching it.
Well, today was one of those long, rather depressing days where nothing of any import ever seems to happen. It was a day filled by an argument with my mother and Anthony at lunch, being alone while most the family was out or playing video games with each other, having Anthony continue being kind of a jerk every time I was around, and my alternating between sitting at the computer aimlessly looking at pictures hoping something interesting would happen, doing chores just so I could have done something of worth by the end of the day, and lying on my bed trying to fend off feelings of total bleakness regarding my finances and future.
Lately I am DESPERATELY wishing I had a friend, a real-life friend who I could go out with, invite to parties, see movies with etc. This feeling comes and goes regularly with me, I am sure you have heard me mention it before, but right now it is very deep, and urgent. And by friend I've come to realize someone reasonably nice and a decent conversationalist, with a good sense, and enjoyment, of humor, with close enough interests and hobbies to my own, and who liked books and parties and dressing up, who I would choose to hang out with not because they are the only half-interesting person around, but because I really enjoy being with them. For some reason, this seems to be really hard to come by for me, and my friendlessness is particularly depressing for me because right now I am bored, tired of my family members, and despite my new job, pretty much penniless and not really seeing any hope of this ever changing (lets not get into the hows-and-whys of this last part, it's already too frustrating).
In other news, I have been after a job at the library for over six months now. I worked at the library in Worthington when I was 15-17, and it was the best job experience I've ever had. I've been interested in working at a library ever since, but the local one has only been hiring once, and never contacted me when I applied. Now the same system I worked at before have been hiring for multiple branches on and off for the last year, and during the last three months, have had more and more positions open up. I have applied three times in the last year. I have called one of the women I worked with before, and unable to get her, left a message, but have recieved no reply. The last time I applied I turned in two applications, and asked to speak with the woman in charge of circulation, introducing myself, telling her about my previous experience working there, and telling her how much I would love to work for them again. Then about a week and a half ago I sent her an email, repeating my previous statements and asking where they stood in the application process. I have literally bombarded the library with my eagerness to join them, which is supposedly the key to getting hired. But I have not heard a peep out of them other than the automatic "your application has been processed" e-mail.
Since I worked for them before I have become much more confident and easy with people, and my conversational skills have improved tremendously. I read more than I used to, and, having really discovered the joys of non-fiction during my first spell at the library, am now an avid reader of all sorts of history, art, fashion and biographies. I still know my way through a library, and am still familiar with the Dewey Decimal System (and find myself listing things alphabetically for fun) and am active at both their branches. I have tons of customer service experience, I have handled phones and money, I have worked with crowds, and regularly did organization, alphabetization, and filing at my jobs, and I've even taken a job hunting class where they taught me how to fill out a "perfect" application, which I now have. So my question is, if I was good enough for them when I was 15 and about as socially awkward as a kid could get, and they are supposedly so understaffed they can't arrange a shelf check, and they've had a larger and larger amount of open positions for months, WHY THE CRAP WOULDN'T THEY WANT ME NOW?
Urgh. I want this job so much. If I could get the circulation aide position I'd be making $8.50 an hour and the circulation assistant pays $11.50 (just thinking about that much money makes me faint with joy) and I love the library, I love books, and I loved my old job. I am eager, and hugely qualified (and I rarely describe myself this way), why won't they just hire me already?! *weeps*
Sorry for the depressing entry. I hope tomorrow is a more enjoyable day than today was.
EDIT: Also, is it bad of me to be tired of the recent "body love" trend online this last month? I mean I know it's a good idea, and a lot of people need to hear it, and would be influenced posatively by the responses of others. But the bottom line is I don't love my body, and if it stays the way it is now, I don't want to. My body is NOT beautiful, it is too big, and too fat, and it keeps me from finding cute clothes, it makes it hard to cosplay, and it affects me socially. I don't believe it's ugly because society tells me to. I have no intention of being Blake Lively or Tailor Swift, I don't even really find them attractive. I dislike my body because it is not what I think is beautiful, and until it is changed to something I do find beautiful, I cannot love it. Someday I hope to find it beautiful, and I'm trying to achieve this now, which is one reason I find the theme irritating. When I'm on a diet and trying to fight the incurable munchies I've had all week, and my mother keeps handing out ice cream and cinnamon rolls every night, it does not help to have a little voice in my head going "It's OK. Love your body the way it is." If I had taken that approach with my inner-beauty I'd be a dried up old hag of a soul by now.