Horizon
I am glad that 2009 is over. It was a year characterized by frustration, abuse, illness, and feeling like a failure. 2010 is shaping up to be a much better year. The mood is better, the future seems brighter. Everything is calmer, pleasanter. Last year I felt like a giant ball of stress and self-loathing almost the whole time. That is gone now. I have fallen back in love with conventions. I have set myself goals and actually been able to reach them. I have just been hired at Jo-Ann's fabrics and will hopefully start work there if the weather ever improves. Even though I am absolutely penniless, I have hope of money soon and so am not freaking out. I am seriously working at losing weight. And I am writing. Actually writing. Not a lot, but enough that I am starting to feel my former desperation fading. It is so good, after so long, to feel that I actually can come up with words again, even if they are not perfect. I am trying to let the words tumble out unchecked, and not judge them too harshly. I am sure polish will come with time...
I have submitted some poems and my story Moonflowers to a literary/art newsletter at a local college. I don't know yet whether they'll be published or not, but I have high hopes. I have a few longer poems I want to submit as well, but need to edit first, and another poem that I am almost done with, but can't seem to finish. Even incomplete it's one of my best works. As I have evolved with my poetry I find my poems resemble less sentences that could actually have come out of my mouth, and are becoming more and more carefully thought out constructs of rhyme and meaning and pleasureable sounds, multi-layered artistic essays on a theme, built to match and harmonize and oppose all at once. This one is the first one I've ever written in King Jame's English, just because I thought the moderness of "you" and "your" detracted from its gravity. It is about age, and its ravages, and writing it has helped me calm a little, as age-- the loss of beauty, the loss of strength-- is the thing I fear most in the world. I hope that I will be able to finish it in time.