(no subject)
love makes you want to be a better person. but why does it have to be that way? when i'm alone and by my window perch smoking half nude in my jeans i have no desire to be a better person. i have no desire either than to be forever that still and silent. to be that untouched and unhurt. i'm somehow no longer in fear of being left alone. all good things come to an end and in the end i still have the ability to get myself in university studying mythology or linguistics, go down to the library read some voltaire or lermontov, sit in the childrens corner at borders stealing free glimpses of nylon, wear leopard print, wear eyeliner, wear a gentle cloak of bvlgari so i smell everlastingly sweet, draw unicorns on cotton tanks, draw jellyfish, polish toenails, cut my hair off, dream of sonia rykiel wizard of oz heels in sparkling pink, improve my vocabulary, make and sell craft, look at the sky and hope one day it turns the perfect shade of ginger pink, look in the mirror and feel whole and feel beautiful, pray, sink in the comfort of having a creator and death and after-death will be beautiful, that there are stars, fixed or solid, glowing or dying in rocket sparks, swim alone in the sea one day in spain.
love lost is good. beacuse the next time you lose, you don't lose anything at all. because in between waiting, you've had all those above in mind already. so my dearest vietcong catwalk model baby: if you do decide that one day you have had enough of me, i will not lament too long. because the world is waiting for me. and i think, deep inside me, that the best friends i will have are those i have not met before, or those that i will say only a simple hi to, or a shy smile, or brief lust-fuelled eye contact, because then you're free to make your own adventures psychologically. and not ever be bruised. people bore me, and it leaves an empty pit in my stomach thinking i will never find a match that can sustain my thirst for living.
but for now, don't leave. please ever don't leave when we can do all those things together. keep breathing and be in the knowledge that you're the last person that i know can ever touch me like that. how can i allow myself to be exposed in this pathetically vulnerable manner more than once? i am now, not because i am wreckless but because just looking at you can make me wilt.
love lost is good. beacuse the next time you lose, you don't lose anything at all. because in between waiting, you've had all those above in mind already. so my dearest vietcong catwalk model baby: if you do decide that one day you have had enough of me, i will not lament too long. because the world is waiting for me. and i think, deep inside me, that the best friends i will have are those i have not met before, or those that i will say only a simple hi to, or a shy smile, or brief lust-fuelled eye contact, because then you're free to make your own adventures psychologically. and not ever be bruised. people bore me, and it leaves an empty pit in my stomach thinking i will never find a match that can sustain my thirst for living.
but for now, don't leave. please ever don't leave when we can do all those things together. keep breathing and be in the knowledge that you're the last person that i know can ever touch me like that. how can i allow myself to be exposed in this pathetically vulnerable manner more than once? i am now, not because i am wreckless but because just looking at you can make me wilt.