(no subject)
I feel bad for not being in work today. But I cried the whole of last night till my entire face swelled up and I look like a mongoloid version of Devon Aoki. Yes imagine that. My mother wanted to borrow my bug eyed glasses today but I gave some lame excuse cos I can't possibly go out with these beyond oriental eyes. I look like a right genetic mutant yes sir. It just feels like I'm repeating everything twice. Thrice even. Who knows? It just feels like I need to stop being so nice to people and love everyone so selflessly because sure as hell I ain't getting anything much back. The people that I truly felt were candidate soulmates have all disappeared and the ones I want to just sit and listen don't count my feelings important enough to just do so. I just want to put in a good 27 hours of work the rest of the week being in a good mood or at least decent non-cryable one and get 30 registrants so they'll maybe shut up and give me another raise. Which is not likely.
I don't think I'll let anyone slow me down anymore. Its all about me now. Not my current lover, not my past lover, not my so called friends who've continuously let me down in ways so obvious that they consider subtle. The only person who's absence I can attribute as completely understandable is Nadine. Then again Nadine must be the only person who has never let me down. If I want to believe that I should never feel that people owe me anything; that in fact they owe me nothing - that they are quite free to proceed through our relationships and friendships in any manner that want, without any obligations and responsibility, including the right to not be there when you want them, to disappear when they feel like it, to not have you as a priority, to not be selfless, then what is a friend? What is a friend? I have had enough of all of you.
I don't think I'll let anyone slow me down anymore. Its all about me now. Not my current lover, not my past lover, not my so called friends who've continuously let me down in ways so obvious that they consider subtle. The only person who's absence I can attribute as completely understandable is Nadine. Then again Nadine must be the only person who has never let me down. If I want to believe that I should never feel that people owe me anything; that in fact they owe me nothing - that they are quite free to proceed through our relationships and friendships in any manner that want, without any obligations and responsibility, including the right to not be there when you want them, to disappear when they feel like it, to not have you as a priority, to not be selfless, then what is a friend? What is a friend? I have had enough of all of you.