"You better stop and look around. Here it comes"
My eyelids were already heavy and twitchy after waking up at 8 am to go to the oral surgeon's. I drove along the road to find a chain link fence around the gas station by my house. Great. I forgot they closed this one down. A jittery panic raced across my chest when I checked the clock, realizing that I'd have to wait on refueling until after piano lessons.
Sitting on the plush, green couch in my teacher's living room, I hurridly looked over the theory book I was supposed to have read over the past week. The next few minutes ticked by, simplistic piano melody echoing above a little girl's voice in the other room, as I tried to teach myself what Second Dominants were. "We'll see you next week" "Bye!" I looked up. "Hello, Katrina, how's it goin'?" "Alright"
We walked into the lesson room, filled with two uprights, some chairs, and several shelves jam packed full of sheet music. "Let's try the invention first." A nerve inside me quivered. I hadn't practiced at all this past week. I don't know what it was, but the music came out of my fingertips in a slow plod that made even my own ears blush. How am I ever going to play...let alone memorize this for an audition to get into my major? Oh no, my piano teacher adopted a stern tone that she rarely ever used, being the kind soul that she was. I nodded, only letting a slight nervous smile release.
"I'd love to help you with your compositions, if you need any help." A pang of guilt again. I hadn't even started on that. I'm too busy doing- what AM I doing? There's the one sonata that's based loosely on the life of Marie Antoinette, but- Oh, the contemporary piece, I can play that. I had to have that one memorized by next week? "Katrina, I know this is your dream, but-" Yes, yes, practice and memorize the three pieces for the audition, I know. I'd never known a more stressful piano lesson in my entire life. College better not be like this.
I slid into my car, dumping my books into the passenger seat. There'd better be something good on the radio. My heart was too busy racing, but at least the end of "On the Run" managed to distract me until I reached the gas station. Great. All the pumps full. I awkwardly waited in the driveway, a bit of my car's back end in the turn lane. I gave up and tried to manage my way across to the parking spots on the other side of the tiny, four-pump station. I don't know what it was, but my heart starting beating a bit faster. I hate seeming to not know what I'm doing in public. I am NOT the incompetent blonde chick! I sat for a good minute or two in that parking spot before realizing I could just back into the pump on the wrong side of my car. Ugh. Flustered just barely covers it.
As I drove away, one last stare at the bright, neon orange sun at just *so* in the sky brought to mind a sort of unspoken mantra of contentment that didn't work. Even when I got to the house where the church college group was meeting, the dark cloud over my mind marked failure kept looming. Social context, I got this. Blathering about something I know about at least makes me seem strong. My friend didn't seem to grasp the utter hopelessness of my situation anyways. During the speaking, my mind went in and out, weaving between distractions, listening, and heavy eyelids. I played with my soda cup, half smiling as I downed it like a Hemingway fisherman would his drought.
After the chat, which arose only a few interesting topics surrounded by points slightly reminiscent of frosting, I exploded in words to my dad, who was there as well. People only seem to have reassuring words and don't seem to see that failure is a perfectly logical outcome. I decided to leave, inexplicably feeling a bit more content. At least my heart rate wasn't a billion bps anymore. Again, I slid into my car, Rambling On and celebrating the beauty of dark. The streetlights seemed to project several thousand things, but nervousness and failure weren't any of them. I aced the familiar turns like a race car driver, squinting as the cars going the opposite way blinded me on the dark road.
I've GOT to work on everything for my music major tomorrow. THIS IS COMPLETELY NECESSARY. Of course, Katrina, your day may end with a happy ending, but it certainly didn't start that way.
Scary thing is, I'm not at all nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out. I'd much rather have them out several times than do these bloody auditions. Not even warm Earl Grey tea can solve this stress...and that's saying something.
I was trying to piece together why I can't handle something as real as an audition. Have I honestly been dwelling in dreams, nightmares, and childhood all this time? My imagination may be stronger than I thought.
Katrina
Ps- My birthday is fast arriving and I don't want anything to happen. A sort of picture of realism, instead. Birthdays are just another day. In fact, two weeks from now may be more exciting than my actual birthday, or even two weeks before now. If I set my sights high, they're bound to be dashed.
Pps- Yes, this is my soundtrack to my meltdowns. Groovy, no?
Ppps- Devendra Banhart's new music video. Discuss.
Sitting on the plush, green couch in my teacher's living room, I hurridly looked over the theory book I was supposed to have read over the past week. The next few minutes ticked by, simplistic piano melody echoing above a little girl's voice in the other room, as I tried to teach myself what Second Dominants were. "We'll see you next week" "Bye!" I looked up. "Hello, Katrina, how's it goin'?" "Alright"
We walked into the lesson room, filled with two uprights, some chairs, and several shelves jam packed full of sheet music. "Let's try the invention first." A nerve inside me quivered. I hadn't practiced at all this past week. I don't know what it was, but the music came out of my fingertips in a slow plod that made even my own ears blush. How am I ever going to play...let alone memorize this for an audition to get into my major? Oh no, my piano teacher adopted a stern tone that she rarely ever used, being the kind soul that she was. I nodded, only letting a slight nervous smile release.
"I'd love to help you with your compositions, if you need any help." A pang of guilt again. I hadn't even started on that. I'm too busy doing- what AM I doing? There's the one sonata that's based loosely on the life of Marie Antoinette, but- Oh, the contemporary piece, I can play that. I had to have that one memorized by next week? "Katrina, I know this is your dream, but-" Yes, yes, practice and memorize the three pieces for the audition, I know. I'd never known a more stressful piano lesson in my entire life. College better not be like this.
I slid into my car, dumping my books into the passenger seat. There'd better be something good on the radio. My heart was too busy racing, but at least the end of "On the Run" managed to distract me until I reached the gas station. Great. All the pumps full. I awkwardly waited in the driveway, a bit of my car's back end in the turn lane. I gave up and tried to manage my way across to the parking spots on the other side of the tiny, four-pump station. I don't know what it was, but my heart starting beating a bit faster. I hate seeming to not know what I'm doing in public. I am NOT the incompetent blonde chick! I sat for a good minute or two in that parking spot before realizing I could just back into the pump on the wrong side of my car. Ugh. Flustered just barely covers it.
As I drove away, one last stare at the bright, neon orange sun at just *so* in the sky brought to mind a sort of unspoken mantra of contentment that didn't work. Even when I got to the house where the church college group was meeting, the dark cloud over my mind marked failure kept looming. Social context, I got this. Blathering about something I know about at least makes me seem strong. My friend didn't seem to grasp the utter hopelessness of my situation anyways. During the speaking, my mind went in and out, weaving between distractions, listening, and heavy eyelids. I played with my soda cup, half smiling as I downed it like a Hemingway fisherman would his drought.
After the chat, which arose only a few interesting topics surrounded by points slightly reminiscent of frosting, I exploded in words to my dad, who was there as well. People only seem to have reassuring words and don't seem to see that failure is a perfectly logical outcome. I decided to leave, inexplicably feeling a bit more content. At least my heart rate wasn't a billion bps anymore. Again, I slid into my car, Rambling On and celebrating the beauty of dark. The streetlights seemed to project several thousand things, but nervousness and failure weren't any of them. I aced the familiar turns like a race car driver, squinting as the cars going the opposite way blinded me on the dark road.
I've GOT to work on everything for my music major tomorrow. THIS IS COMPLETELY NECESSARY. Of course, Katrina, your day may end with a happy ending, but it certainly didn't start that way.
Scary thing is, I'm not at all nervous about getting my wisdom teeth out. I'd much rather have them out several times than do these bloody auditions. Not even warm Earl Grey tea can solve this stress...and that's saying something.
I was trying to piece together why I can't handle something as real as an audition. Have I honestly been dwelling in dreams, nightmares, and childhood all this time? My imagination may be stronger than I thought.
Katrina
Ps- My birthday is fast arriving and I don't want anything to happen. A sort of picture of realism, instead. Birthdays are just another day. In fact, two weeks from now may be more exciting than my actual birthday, or even two weeks before now. If I set my sights high, they're bound to be dashed.
Pps- Yes, this is my soundtrack to my meltdowns. Groovy, no?
Ppps- Devendra Banhart's new music video. Discuss.