Jerkoffs just don't get the hint.
Ew. I recently posted a new "Letters to an Asexual" video (Number 8, if you're interested), and despite most of my ramble having to do with "people hitting on me sucks, but people telling me I should like it sucks more," some douche nozzle in the comments still pretty much said exactly that.
So, yeah. I devoted twelve minutes to debunking "you should APPRECIATE the COMPLIMENT of being CHOSEN by . . . some random dude in the grocery store . . . how UNGRATEFUL of you to not feel FLATTERED!!!" . . .
Only to get this guy basically telling me the guy had no choice but to compliment my looks if he wanted to "get to know me," since it was after all all he knew about me. And of course a boring ramble about how clearly I find being COMPLIMENTED "abbrasive" (yeah, that's how he spelled it), and yeah, the "MOST PEOPLE would be FLATTERED" schtick.
I also got similar sentiments from a guy friend on Facebook, who jumped in with the pre-approved script with such scary accuracy that he even said "that would make my day!" BEFORE I posted a link to this cartoon!
Seriously. I just don't know what to do. I don't care if that sort of thing flatters YOU. I don't care if that sort of thing is what those who dish out this behavior would like to receive. I am entitled to my feelings on the subject, and I'm not saying it's wrong of this guy to approach me that way only because I'm not attracted back. I'm saying it's wrong for HIM to expect "you're attractive" to be enough to justify asking me out, and I'm saying it's wrong for other people to dictate to me what that behavior OUGHT TO make me feel.
By reinforcing the belief that women (or anyone, but more often women) should appreciate being propositioned even when they're just minding their business, or that we should appreciate being told our bodies are attractive even if we weren't trying to show them off, people who say these things are sending damaging messages. They are saying we have certain responsibilities as "the pursued," that we should not only tolerate but LIKE the attention we get by being "the pursued" even if we didn't choose the qualities that identify us as such, and that we have some kind of obligation to fairly give any "shoppers" a chance to try us if they were drawn in by our packaging (or, ya know, at LEAST let the guy off easy/smile at him/FEEL a certain way, even though we did NOT in any way shape or form put ourselves on the browse-able shelves).
We should just happily accept that we are ALWAYS on display, ALWAYS at risk of being singled out for propositions, NEVER insulated from it unless we hide ourselves completely or happen to possess an unattractive feature or two. (And of course being unattractive in some way has its own form of attention which is equally unsolicited, but most people understand why those folks don't like it.) As an attractive woman by society's definition, my job is to accept my place and smile my way through it . . . and not only that, but derive pleasure from the experience.
(Not to mention a lot of the heterosexual guys who have said this to me would recoil in disgust, be horrified, possibly threaten or initiate violence against someone if a guy of the homosexual persuasion hit on them. Somehow, some of them see THIS situation as DIFFERENT, even though it is exactly the same--regardless of THEIR feelings toward the person offering the compliment, they feel it should be obvious that it is inappropriate, and they feel weirded out, put-upon, squicked, deeply offended, harassed, etc. Obviously not all straight guys will feel this way, but I have seen it expressed before by guys who nevertheless DO believe WOMEN should appreciate being singled out and propositioned based on their attractiveness, even if said women cannot or will not reciprocate the interest.)
No. It is not a crime to find me attractive, even if it starts with what you like about my body. No. Being initially interested in me because you "shallowly" like my body and are evolutionarily programmed to pursue what is sexually attractive to you is not something I hold against you. But YES. I have a right to expect more positive interaction to have transpired between us before you dump a date request on me. And YES. I do think it's presumptuous to make romantic intention clear to me before you have tried to find out what we have in common, ascertained that I am single/attracted to people like you/on the market, and maybe (gee, what a concept), said "hey, what's your name?"
People who need nothing more than "I like her butt and boobies" (or, to be fair, maybe "I like her overall aesthetic package") before they start thinking romance/sex as a serious possibility--and ACT on it--are forming preconceived notions of what we will do together before they even know who I am. It is clear that in this case I am a what, not a who, and a person who wants a date with a what is not attractive to me even as a friend. If anyone who looks a certain way qualifies for a date with you, tell me this: exactly how special is your interest? And tell me this: why is it I'm "supposed" to be flattered, again, if what I've done to qualify for this attention is look a certain way?
Fail to understand my disappointment, if you must--think to yourself that it would "make your day" if people treated YOU like that, or that you personally DO find it flattering, or that you think it's silly to be offended/perceive such attention as an imposition. But do not tell me I am obligated to react with positive feelings when being "the pursued" saddles me with attention I do not want in forms I think are offensive and damaging.
I am not telling you how to feel. I am, however, telling you that how you act in response to your feelings may be perceived as overstepping your bounds, making a stranger feel gross, or seeming pathetic. If the possibility of getting a date out of a stranger by giving her what you THINK of as a compliment is worth this risk to you, go for it . . . and keep reinforcing that belief that I'm ungrateful for not gracefully accepting and smiling over attention I did not request and do not like.
After all, you're the entitled one in this situation; my behavior and feelings should uphold the status quo to keep your privilege in place. If I resist based on my own experiences and feelings, which do not match what YOU have decided is the norm, then you might actually have to change how you execute your self-serving behavior.
I'm aware that you think I owe you something. But if you think you can bill me and I'll return a check with a smiley face in the memo field, you are sorely mistaken.
So, yeah. I devoted twelve minutes to debunking "you should APPRECIATE the COMPLIMENT of being CHOSEN by . . . some random dude in the grocery store . . . how UNGRATEFUL of you to not feel FLATTERED!!!" . . .
Only to get this guy basically telling me the guy had no choice but to compliment my looks if he wanted to "get to know me," since it was after all all he knew about me. And of course a boring ramble about how clearly I find being COMPLIMENTED "abbrasive" (yeah, that's how he spelled it), and yeah, the "MOST PEOPLE would be FLATTERED" schtick.
I also got similar sentiments from a guy friend on Facebook, who jumped in with the pre-approved script with such scary accuracy that he even said "that would make my day!" BEFORE I posted a link to this cartoon!
Seriously. I just don't know what to do. I don't care if that sort of thing flatters YOU. I don't care if that sort of thing is what those who dish out this behavior would like to receive. I am entitled to my feelings on the subject, and I'm not saying it's wrong of this guy to approach me that way only because I'm not attracted back. I'm saying it's wrong for HIM to expect "you're attractive" to be enough to justify asking me out, and I'm saying it's wrong for other people to dictate to me what that behavior OUGHT TO make me feel.
By reinforcing the belief that women (or anyone, but more often women) should appreciate being propositioned even when they're just minding their business, or that we should appreciate being told our bodies are attractive even if we weren't trying to show them off, people who say these things are sending damaging messages. They are saying we have certain responsibilities as "the pursued," that we should not only tolerate but LIKE the attention we get by being "the pursued" even if we didn't choose the qualities that identify us as such, and that we have some kind of obligation to fairly give any "shoppers" a chance to try us if they were drawn in by our packaging (or, ya know, at LEAST let the guy off easy/smile at him/FEEL a certain way, even though we did NOT in any way shape or form put ourselves on the browse-able shelves).
We should just happily accept that we are ALWAYS on display, ALWAYS at risk of being singled out for propositions, NEVER insulated from it unless we hide ourselves completely or happen to possess an unattractive feature or two. (And of course being unattractive in some way has its own form of attention which is equally unsolicited, but most people understand why those folks don't like it.) As an attractive woman by society's definition, my job is to accept my place and smile my way through it . . . and not only that, but derive pleasure from the experience.
(Not to mention a lot of the heterosexual guys who have said this to me would recoil in disgust, be horrified, possibly threaten or initiate violence against someone if a guy of the homosexual persuasion hit on them. Somehow, some of them see THIS situation as DIFFERENT, even though it is exactly the same--regardless of THEIR feelings toward the person offering the compliment, they feel it should be obvious that it is inappropriate, and they feel weirded out, put-upon, squicked, deeply offended, harassed, etc. Obviously not all straight guys will feel this way, but I have seen it expressed before by guys who nevertheless DO believe WOMEN should appreciate being singled out and propositioned based on their attractiveness, even if said women cannot or will not reciprocate the interest.)
No. It is not a crime to find me attractive, even if it starts with what you like about my body. No. Being initially interested in me because you "shallowly" like my body and are evolutionarily programmed to pursue what is sexually attractive to you is not something I hold against you. But YES. I have a right to expect more positive interaction to have transpired between us before you dump a date request on me. And YES. I do think it's presumptuous to make romantic intention clear to me before you have tried to find out what we have in common, ascertained that I am single/attracted to people like you/on the market, and maybe (gee, what a concept), said "hey, what's your name?"
People who need nothing more than "I like her butt and boobies" (or, to be fair, maybe "I like her overall aesthetic package") before they start thinking romance/sex as a serious possibility--and ACT on it--are forming preconceived notions of what we will do together before they even know who I am. It is clear that in this case I am a what, not a who, and a person who wants a date with a what is not attractive to me even as a friend. If anyone who looks a certain way qualifies for a date with you, tell me this: exactly how special is your interest? And tell me this: why is it I'm "supposed" to be flattered, again, if what I've done to qualify for this attention is look a certain way?
Fail to understand my disappointment, if you must--think to yourself that it would "make your day" if people treated YOU like that, or that you personally DO find it flattering, or that you think it's silly to be offended/perceive such attention as an imposition. But do not tell me I am obligated to react with positive feelings when being "the pursued" saddles me with attention I do not want in forms I think are offensive and damaging.
I am not telling you how to feel. I am, however, telling you that how you act in response to your feelings may be perceived as overstepping your bounds, making a stranger feel gross, or seeming pathetic. If the possibility of getting a date out of a stranger by giving her what you THINK of as a compliment is worth this risk to you, go for it . . . and keep reinforcing that belief that I'm ungrateful for not gracefully accepting and smiling over attention I did not request and do not like.
After all, you're the entitled one in this situation; my behavior and feelings should uphold the status quo to keep your privilege in place. If I resist based on my own experiences and feelings, which do not match what YOU have decided is the norm, then you might actually have to change how you execute your self-serving behavior.
I'm aware that you think I owe you something. But if you think you can bill me and I'll return a check with a smiley face in the memo field, you are sorely mistaken.