End of Fall Break
So we have fall break at the college. It is literally 2 days. However! I badly needed those 2 days to catch up on my work. I have graded a lot and made several tests in moodle and just caught up on a bunch of stuff that has been piling up. It's not a complete lack of effort on my part, though. There is just SO MUCH to do all the time, and some of it just takes time! Like going through emails daily. It just takes time to read through and then rectify some of them. I do take time to mess around a little. Like I looked at facebook for a few minutes and I took a brief walk and now I am doing this. That being said, I eat while I work, and I am taking a half day (vacation time) even though I will be working more than a half day. So. Yeah it just takes time. Even if the effort level is not that high.
What's been going on? I don't even know the last time I wrote in here because I didn't check. I just wanted to write a little. I've started my classes. They are not so difficult, but there is a LOT of reading and work each week. That has taken some adjustment. I think I am okay. Like I have a project due in a week and a half (a group project and the other person hasn't done any part of it yet... Why.) And a first draft of a big paper due that same day. I have been making time to work on both each night, but it is tough. And then there is the regular work for the week which takes about 2 - 3 hours. It's reading handbook chapters and journal articles... It is just a lengthy process. It's not been like... impossible difficult though. So I guess that is good news.
My schedule has been hard on me (and the fam) this semester. I am basically not home 3 nights a week. A 4th night I am home, but in the other room doing an online class. I have been so mad at myself for being unavailable, I really try to take on anything I can at home and I stress myself out. 2 nights I am not home because I have to teach a dumb night class. I swear I am the only person at this school who teaches mornings 3 days and nights 2 days. Like I don't understand why my schedule is as spread apart as it is. Next semester will be worse actually. I have a night class AGAIN and then I have to be on campus for both of my classes. I hate that I will be gone so much. I miss my home and the kids. Oh and on top of that, I also have an afternoon class on Tuesday Thursday so I will have even less time at home. Cool. Less chance to see the kids or be with them. It really has made me question if I want to stay working here. And question if I should pause or slow down this degree. I would prefer to not do that, but I need to do what's best for everyone else and not be so selfish.
I was thinking about it today, and I haven't bought myself like anything in a while. That's fine! BUT. I also have the same like no amount of money going on even though I am not getting myself anything. Like no pins, no games, no new clothes, no junky fun items, no yarn, no books... Nothing. And I have like no money. I have been trying to take on more of the bills because Doug has been talking about struggling with money. I get it. But then I don't. Like he pays our babysitter and his car and car insurance, the gas, water, electric. I get the mortgage, my car and insurance, the phones, both kids' health insurance, the cc bill, the internet, the groceries, extra shit like the oven that broke... Maybe it just evens out and neither of us have money. I guess it's good that I'm busy or I'd be trying to spend my money on dumb shit and I need it to cover basic bills and stuff.
Veronica seems to like OLPH. She is getting a cold :( It's that time of year. She is doing well and really seems to be retaining all the stuff that's taught. She is just a little more immature than the other kids because she is younger. I know that will bother some kids, but she will be okay. Maybe we will move and things will iron out if that becomes a problem. She's a good girl. I worry about her all the time of course.
Barrett is good. He hasn't been sleeping through the night most nights. I don't know why. It has been really hard lately because not only is he waking up, then he won't be put back in his crib. I am tired of sleeping on the couch with him and having him roll all over me and smack me upside the head. If Veronica wouldn't wake up from it, I would just have him cry it out honestly. I'm so tired that I can't keep doing it. But it wakes her up and she needs to go to school. So I have to get him. Or Doug. But if Doug gets him like 2 nights in a row he's cooked. So I just have to be the one to get him constantly really. I guess it's a way that I can make up for not being home as much. I hope.
Doug is okay. We don't talk much. It's not an anger or animosity thing. I rarely see him at home. Then any time I speak it's overrun by the kids. And I don't see them so I want to pay attention to them. I miss talking to him, but I don't know if he notices. I try to do things to make things easier for him, but I don't think it helps. He says I can lean on him, but I can't. I need to be the one stepping up and taking charge and doing things. They are all supposed to count on me, so what I am doing if I need to lean on anyone? Not enough. Not doing my job.
I'm grateful to be so busy most of the time. It keeps me from dealing with whatever emotions I have. I think by the time school is done, I will have an easier time with all of that because the kids will be bigger. If Barrett would sleep, I swear that would solve like 70% of my problems. I'm just tired all the time and confused.
I'm teaching human anatomy 1 this year and that has been interesting. I like it enough. The students are very nice. I'm annoyed at the lack of support I feel, but that's just par for the course in my working experience, I think. Do people get supported at work? Do people genuinely check in on others? Is anyone getting trained on their basic stuff or is everyone thrown in?
Literally nothing exciting has happened or is happening in the near future. My dad is coming in 2 weeks, and that's cool. I am doing another 5k in 2 weeks so that will be alright. Nothing to look forward to. Just living life and trying to enjoy small moments, like the fair that is in town again.